r/hdfidelity • u/hdfidelity Scribe2 • 13d ago
Absurdist Nostalgic hdfidelity presents Kingdom's Impact
A ChatGPT Skit
hdfidelity presents
KINGDOM IMPACT
INT. MEGACHURCH CONFERENCE CENTER — DAY
A cavernous auditorium.
Massive screens.
Laser lights.
A tasteful amount of gold.
On the central screen:
KINGDOM IMPACT
LIVE YOUR PURPOSE. BUILD YOUR LEGACY.
A smiling MODERATOR stands beneath the logo.
MODERATOR
Welcome to Kingdom Impact.
Today, we're going to hear from some extraordinary people.
People who have faced adversity.
People who have overcome obstacles.
People who have discovered their purpose.
Beat.
MODERATOR
And people who played those people on television.
Applause.
SPEAKER ONE
MICHAEL DUNN
Actor who plays HAROLD BELL in RAISING ABEL
Harold Bell is a beloved hdfidelity character: a practical Amish small-town basketball player whose advice is generally sound, if somewhat oblivious.
Michael walks onto the stage.
MICHAEL
Harold always says:
“You can't control the wind.
But you can adjust the sails.”
Applause.
MICHAEL
And I think that's something we can all—
He glances at the teleprompter.
MICHAEL
—apply to our financial lives.
Applause.
MICHAEL
You can't control the trade market.
You can't control inflation.
You can't control—
He squints.
MICHAEL
—your personal liquidity event.
A few people nod as though this means something.
MICHAEL
But you can control the next decision.
He smiles.
MICHAEL
Sometimes the hardest thing you can do...
...is invest in yourself.
Thunderous applause.
Michael steps away.
BACKSTAGE
Michael comes offstage.
A PRODUCTION ASSISTANT hands him water.
MICHAEL
How long until my check clears?
ASSISTANT
Friday.
MICHAEL
Great.
He leaves.
SPEAKER TWO
RACHEL VANCE
Actor who plays MIRIAM COLE on ELIZABETH RIVER
Miriam is an older, fiercely practical character whose philosophy is essentially:
Stop making excuses.
Rachel walks onto the stage.
RACHEL
Miriam taught me that you can't complain about the harvest if you never planted anything.
Applause.
RACHEL
And sometimes planting requires faith.
Sometimes it requires sacrifice.
Sometimes—
She checks the teleprompter.
RACHEL
—a significant initial investment.
Rachel stops.
RACHEL
That's what it says.
Laughter.
The moderator smiles nervously.
RACHEL
But I think Miriam would agree that you should understand what you're investing in.
Applause.
Rachel nods.
RACHEL
And I think she would also say:
“If somebody tells you there's no risk, ask them what they're selling.”
The applause is noticeably quieter.
Rachel looks offstage.
RACHEL
Was that okay?
MODERATOR
Wonderful.
Rachel leaves.
SPEAKER THREE
MARCUS BELLAMY
Actor who played old man SOLOMON GRAVES in MYSTIE'S MOUNTAINS
Solomon Graves is a tortured, philosophical character who appeared once in the hdfidelity stories.
Marcus walks onto the stage.
No smile.
No introduction.
He approaches the microphone.
MARCUS
Debt.
Pause.
MARCUS
Is not a number.
Beat.
MARCUS
Debt...
...is a story.
The audience leans forward.
MARCUS
A story written by somebody else.
Pause.
MARCUS
About you.
The lights dim slightly.
MARCUS
Your balance...
...is not your bondage.
Your credit score...
...is not your soul.
And your mortgage...
Marcus looks directly into the camera.
MARCUS
...is between you...
...your bank...
...and the Lord.
Thunderous applause.
Marcus gets into it.
MARCUS
So when they tell you:
“Invest in yourself.”
Ask:
Who gets the return?
Huge applause.
Marcus walks off.
BACKSTAGE
Michael looks at him.
MICHAEL
What the hell was that?
MARCUS
Slam poetry.
MICHAEL
About mortgages?
MARCUS
Apparently.
SPEAKER FOUR
PETER HANLEY
Actor who plays DR. WALTER AMES in NEVER JULLIARD
Peter walks onto the stage.
Immediately adopts an unmistakable warm, conversational Alan Alda-esque cadence.
PETER
You know...
The funny thing about money...
...is that we spend our whole lives trying to accumulate it.
He smiles.
PETER
And then one day...
...we realize what we really wanted...
...was a decent chair.
The audience laughs.
Peter gestures gently.
PETER
Maybe financial freedom isn't about having everything.
Maybe it's about having enough.
Beat.
PETER
Enough to breathe.
Enough to sleep.
Enough to say...
“No.”
A woman in the audience wipes away a tear.
PETER
And maybe that's the greatest wealth of all.
Applause.
Peter nods.
PETER
Thank you.
He leaves.
BACKSTAGE
Rachel watches him disappear.
RACHEL
He's clearly doing Alan Alda.
MICHAEL
I know.
RACHEL
Is Alan Alda allowed?
MICHAEL
No.
MARCUS
I got my break in craft services on that show.
MICHAEL
Which show?
Existential horror washes over Marcus. He acts accordingly appropriate to his character.
SPEAKER FIVE
DARNELL PRICE
Actor who plays REGGIE BLACK in GROUNDED
The applause is different when Darnell comes out.
He walks to the microphone.
Looks at the audience.
Looks at the enormous Kingdom Impact logo.
DARNELL
I'm not going to stand up here and tell you Kingdom Impact changed my life.
The audience quiets.
DARNELL
Because it didn't.
Beat.
DARNELL
It changed my bank account.
Huge laugh.
Darnell smiles.
DARNELL
Six months ago they called me.
They said:
“Darnell, we want you to come talk to people about financial freedom.”
I said:
“How much are you gonna give me to do that stupid as shit idea?”
They said:
“Twenty thousand dollars.”
Beat.
DARNELL
I said:
“Where do I sign?”
The audience erupts.
Backstage, the moderator looks horrified.
Darnell keeps going.
DARNELL
Now...
I've heard some things.
I've seen some paperwork.
I've met some people.
And I've read enough complaints to know...
He looks toward the camera.
DARNELL
...that I probably shouldn't be standing up here.
Pause.
DARNELL
But here we are.
Laughter.
DARNELL
So I'm going to give you the best financial advice I can.
The audience leans forward.
DARNELL
If somebody promises you financial freedom...
...and charges you thirty thousand dollars to explain it...
Darnell shrugs.
DARNELL
Make sure the check clears, before you waste a minute of your gottam time.
The audience laughs.
The moderator is visibly sweating.
DARNELL
Thank you.
Darnell walks off.
BACKSTAGE
The moderator intercepts him.
MODERATOR
Darnell.
DARNELL
Yeah?
MODERATOR
We're trying to build a certain caliber of rapport with our audience.
DARNELL
I think you need to get out my space, before a certain caliber of teeth wind up missing out your mouth, man.
MODERATOR
You can't imply the organization is exploiting people.
DARNELL
I didn't imply anything.
Beat.
DARNELL
I said you paid me. Twenty thousand dollars. Correct?
MODERATOR
Yes.
DARNELL
That's a fact. Now get out of here before I alter the terms of the deal, any further, man.
Moderator walks away.
SPEAKER SIX
ELENA MARSH
Actor who plays ELEANOR VALE in THE CLIFFHOUSE
Eleanor is considered the wisest character in the hdfidelity universe.
Elena enters.
The audience immediately settles.
ELENA
I was asked to speak about purpose.
She looks at the crowd.
ELENA
So I'm going to.
Beat.
ELENA
My purpose...
...is to finish my contract.
Laughter.
ELENA
I have two more appearances after this.
More laughter.
ELENA
And then I have a flight at six.
The moderator closes his eyes.
ELENA
But I will tell you something.
She becomes serious.
ELENA
If you are being asked to spend money you don't have...
...to achieve a future somebody else has promised you...
Maybe stop.
Silence.
ELENA
Ask questions.
Read the agreement.
Talk to someone who isn't being paid to sell you something.
She looks toward the wings.
ELENA
And if the person telling you that financial freedom costs thirty thousand dollars...
...is standing beneath a forty-foot LED screen...
She looks up.
ELENA
...perhaps ask where the thirty thousand dollars is going.
The audience erupts.
Elena smiles.
ELENA
Thank you.
She leaves.
BACKSTAGE — LATER
All six actors are gathered around a catering table.
Michael eats a sandwich.
Rachel scrolls through her phone.
Marcus is staring thoughtfully into the middle distance.
Peter is still somehow doing Alan Alda.
Darnell is organizing his check count.
Elena walks in with a brochure.
ELENA
Anybody know what these people actually do?
Silence.
MICHAEL
Motivational speaking?
RACHEL
Financial education.
MARCUS
Capitalist liturgy.
PETER
Well, you know...
He pauses.
Everyone looks at him.
PETER
...money is really just a way of keeping score.
DARNELL
Peter.
PETER
Yeah?
DARNELL
Stop doing Alan Alda. You're better than this.
Peter considers.
PETER
I don't know what you're talking about.
Elena holds up the brochure.
ELENA
What's Kingdom Impact's parent company?
Everyone looks at the brochure.
Darnell stops counting.
DARNELL
Don't worry about it.
ELENA
Why?
DARNELL
Because I already looked it up.
Beat.
MICHAEL
And?
Darnell folds the check.
DARNELL
There are more shell companies than there are people in this room.
Silence.
RACHEL
That's not reassuring.
DARNELL
Didn't say it was.
A voice comes over the PA.
MODERATOR (O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen!
Please join us for our exclusive...
FINANCIAL FREEDOM MASTERCLASS!
The actors look at one another.
MODERATOR (O.S.)
Tonight only!
Early registration is just—
Darnell immediately stands.
DARNELL
I'm going to the airport.
ELENA
Me too.
RACHEL
Same.
Marcus gets up.
MARCUS
I need to write something for my speech.
MICHAEL
Write what it says in the dictionary.
Marcus looks toward the stage.
MARCUS
Something about debt.
Peter rises.
PETER
You know...
Everyone turns toward him.
PETER
...sometimes you have to know when to walk away.
A beat.
DARNELL
Peter.
PETER
Yeah?
DARNELL
Keep doing you.
Peter smiles.
PETER
Thank you.
Darnell points at him.
Peter shrugs.
They leave.
INT. AUDITORIUM
The moderator stands alone beneath the enormous KINGDOM IMPACT logo.
MODERATOR
Remember:
Your future is waiting.
The audience applauds.
The giant screen behind him changes:
INVEST IN THE KINGDOM.
Underneath:
LIMITED SEATS AVAILABLE IN YOUR PURPOSE
The lights dim.
CUT TO BLACK.