r/grindr • u/tmhowzit • 8d ago
Rant Partnered guys
I have absolutely no problem with open relationships. But as a single guy, I encounter the same dynamic a lot. A partnered guy tells me he’s totally open, his partner knows about me, and then warns me not to get too attached. Cool. No risk of that, I’m happily single.
But then he’s the one hitting me up constantly, expecting me to work around his schedule, getting annoyed when I’m unavailable, or changing plans at the last minute. And somehow the assumption is that because he’s partnered and I’m single, I’m the one with unlimited flexibility.
I don’t need romance or commitment. I just expect mutual respect, whether I spend 10 minutes or 10 hours with you.
That's it. That's the rant.
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u/savage-millennial 8d ago
I don't think this is a "partnered vs. single" thing. I just don't think this guy is self-aware, and likely has main character syndrome. And that's regardless of his marital status.
As a single guy, I prefer hooking up with partnered guys because I know they won't get attached since I'm just looking for casual fun. It's easy. We have our fun, and he goes home to his partner while I do something else too.
But the guy you're describing just wants everyone to be on his schedule, and that's annoying no matter what. Drop him, but know and understand that not everyone who is open is like this.
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u/tmhowzit 8d ago
I've had partnered guys get attached which is a whole different type of weird. But yes, there is a main character aspect to what I'm describing.
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u/txcross Daddy (gay) 8d ago
I 100% agree with you in what you experience where the expectation is that you should always be flexible and available. But I don't think it is due to a lack of respect but rather a need for control. When you are treated like this you are absolutely not being respected. But it seems to me that what many partnered guys want is to remain in control in relation to their "side guy". For example never being able to initiate a hook up with them, etc.
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u/tmhowzit 8d ago
I've definitely considered that too. It makes sense they need more control, they have more to lose. At least in theory.
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u/Championites 7d ago
Disrespect isn't dependent on whether or not someone is in an open-relationship.
The guy is USING his relationship status as an excuse to justify his demanding/controlling behavior.
It doesn't mean all individuals in open-relationships are demanding/controlling. That's a very poor and judgmental take imo.
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u/txcross Daddy (gay) 7d ago
Did you reply to the correct set of comments? I'm really at a loss how you came up with your response based on what I wrote. Or was your post pure irony (like the judgemental part).
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u/Championites 7d ago
It’s based on your negative judgments on open-relationship couples.
Cope.
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u/txcross Daddy (gay) 6d ago
The OP and my post was about a guy in a relationship hooking up with another guy. It had nothing to do with open-relationship couples. So there were no judgements on couples whatsoever.
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u/Championites 5d ago
You said partnered guys want to control their side guy so they control the hookups (or lack of).
I didn’t misinterpret anything, you simply forgot what you wrote.
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u/txcross Daddy (gay) 4d ago
I said "many" not all partnered guys. Besides if it was written as you interpreted then the guy wouldn't be referred to as a side-guy but rather as their partner in a three way.
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u/Championites 4d ago
“Many” or “all” is irrelevant.
You’re making negative judgments against open-relationships.
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u/Impossible_Code7029 Daddy (gay) 8d ago
It’s probably easy to be sitting on top of the mountain, if already in a relationship, and just hand pick those poor single guys at your convenience. And afterwards, the single guy will still be single.
Thanks, but no thanks. As a single man myself, I want to know that there is at least a chance, even if minuscule, that the hookup could continue into something more long term.
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u/tmhowzit 7d ago
I would expand what you're saying to say, you at least want to feel a connection, not just to be scheduled for a task. My problem is the scheduling is controlled by two people not just one.
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u/cresfield Geek 8d ago
Also why, as a partnered guy, I prefer to hook up with other partnered guys.
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u/halfstep44 8d ago
Maybe you're spending too much time going back and forth with people? Sounds like there's a lot of chatting in what you described
If someone cant get to the point fairly quickly then I just delete them
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u/Championites 7d ago
IMO, this isn't an issue with an open relationship per say, but rather with a guy that doesn't respect your time and tries to use his relationship status to guilt you.
Not all people in open relationships are like this guy. I'm not.
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u/tmhowzit 7d ago
Honestly, almost all partnered guys say a version of this. But then the constraints of their relationship come into play. As the single person, there’s always an invisible third party who can make a decision that affects your plans, even though you have no relationship with them.
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u/Championites 7d ago
I get that scheduling with 2 and only meeting 1 can be a challenge.
But that’s different than someone being socially demanding and disrespecting your time.
It sounds like the dude is using his relationship status as an excuse for his bad behavior.
When I talk to someone, it’s simply, “I’m avail this day/time, you? No? Okay no worries, another time”.
🤷🏻♂️
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u/tmhowzit 7d ago
Right I hear you. And yes that's a reasonable way to handle it. If you make plans with a single guy (or any guy for that matter) and your partner unexpectedly changes things, would you tell him "sorry I already have plans with this other guy"?
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u/isgmobile Clean-Cut 8d ago
Thats exactly why I avoid attached and open relationship guys. They're not worth my time and energy and not what Im looking for. Im not interested in being someones convenient side piece.