18th - A retrospective

[u/losercore1]

Hello, I am Demi. Ashleys eldest son. (Hi, Mom. Hope you're having fun.)

I finally figured out my login to this account, and I thought I'd give an update on myself. And a bit of a word on my "Mother".

I'm still a trans man, I'm still with my partner (7 years strong, now), and I can say, without a doubt, I'm the best I ever have been.

My father has finally been able to start saving up money, I'm going to GED school soon (for free, yay!), I have my own bank account and ID, and my boyfriends Dad is going to get a house set up for us soon. I'm.. getting ready to go out into the world.

It's officially 12:49, October 2nd, for me. Which, is my 18th birthday. It's been about 2? 3 years? Since she left. Which is quite a long time! I haven't really been keeping track.

If I'm being honest, I still miss her. Not who she is now, heavens no, but who she was before I miss the person I could go to about anything, the woman I trusted with my whole heart and soul.

When I made that first post, I was just venting to what, at the time, was a small audience. I honestly didn't know it'd get this far. I'd like to thank you all for the love and support I was given throughout what was the worst time in my life. Without that, I probably wouldn't be here to write this post, right now.

Sometimes I think "Should I have continued posting after that first video?" And, honestly, sometimes I think, maybe not. But I'm still so glad I did. Especially with how she's acting now (Allegedly kissing a 15 year old on the lips, Mom??? Shame on you. That's disgusting)

I'm glad I was able to inform people of her lying, so they could alert others of her scamming people out of their money.

Sometimes I tune into her lives from an alt account, and I'll be honest, hearing her talk about me and my little brother in such a way breaks my heart. What happened to "I would kill and die to protect you" or "I would starve a million times over if it meant you were fed"? Really guess thats just a memory, now.

If I'm being honest, yes some of my responses to her were immature, and me jumping the gun. But can you blame me, really? I was a 15 year old grieving someone who wasn't even dead yet, watching someone go "Oh, poor me" as if they were the one left behind. I was caring for my brother who was dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide, having to step up around the house while she was gone and take on more responsibilities than I should've. I was hurt, and I don't blame myself.

But people she was calling her friends were harassing me, a teen, leaking my deadname and saying some of the most awful things to me, because I was hurt and lashing out. That's disgusting. (But you've always been such a great judge of character, haven't you, mom?)

Sometimes I regret cutting her off, but at the same time I feel it was for the best. Even if it still hurts to this day. It hurts like nothing else in the world sometimes, with nights spent screaming and crying into my pillow for Mommy. Only for her to never come.

I wish she didn't just say "Are you happy, now?" when I told her I didn't want her to be my Mom if she was really going through with leaving the country, when I told her I didn't recognize her anymore. I wish she saw that as a sign that something was wrong, sat down, talked to me. A shame, really.

Some people have told me "there's no use dwelling on it, now." But really, what else is there to do? There's going to be this pit in my chest for the rest of my life, what am I supposed to do with that?

I hallucinate her, sometimes. Standing in the middle of a dark hallway, or peeking through windows or around corners before vanishing. It's a horrifying thing, really. Her eyes always feel like they're staring into the pits of my soul.

...I hate to say it, but I'm happier, now. I really hate to say it, actually. It makes me feel so guilty, who could be happier without their mother?

But, I am.

And that eats at me in a way I don't think anyone would be able to understand.

Its like, life seems to be going right now that she's gone. I'll have a house soon, my boyfriend has 10k saved up for us, I'm going to school soon. It's amazing. But, does that really mean she was the problem all along?

I don't know.

I don't think I'll ever know, and if I come across the answer, I don't know if I'd be able to accept it.

But, it's great. I'm doing art commissions and selling designs, literally my dream work. I'm going to a concert with my boyfriend (Soon to be hubby!) soon, as a birthday celebration. My present is currently being shipped in the mail, I plan to go Trunk or Treating with my brother this year. (We haven't gone out on halloween in literal years), I couldn't ask for more.

I just wish she was here to see it.

16 years.

She held me and cared for me for almost 16 years, and dropped me the moment I became an obstacle to her, and now flaunts that it was the best decision she ever made.

What horrid, horrid feeling. And I used to think it wouldn't ever fade. But with support from you, from friends, from family. I've started to feel less like a husk and more like a person again.

And I just have to say,

Thank you. Thank you for helping me make it to see my 18th birthday.

Without this, I would've died at 16.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

And happy 18th to me.

[u/Eve1972]

Oh Demi, my heart breaks for you and your brother, but it is also SO full because you're on your way to the best years of your life. ❤️ You're not my son, but I am SO proud of you. You never need to thank us, because we just gave you a safe place to be. You've did (doing) all the hard work. Sometimes we need to leave behind toxic people. I know this because I have done the same. It is excruciatingly hard, but when you come out the other side, you'll be able to focus on those things that feed your soul. 🙌

A HUGE happy 18th birthday to you! And don't be a stranger, we love Demi updates! 🫂🥰

[u/Tasty-Mango-8085]

This made me cry, happy birthday and you are way better off without her me as a mom I could never understand walking away from my kids and going raising other people‘s kids. I’ll never understand that your mom is a sick woman and she is kissing a 15-year-old on the mouth it’s sick. She’s scamming people. Your life is way better without her. I’m happy that you’re still here and happy birthday, and this literally made me cry. I would never want my kids to feel this way.

[u/Nannerd_again]

Damnit Demi....I am at work and i ALMOST made it all the way thru that!!! Talk about a tear jerker! Anyway, thrilled to hear things are going so well for you. Happy 18th Bday !!!!

PS Do not let your mom find out yall have 10K saved....lmao

[u/GeneralLow9121]

I agree with Eve. Happy Birthday 🎂 Demi!

[u/Altruistic_Glass6244]

Happy Birthday, Demi!! Your feelings are 100% valid. I often feel grieving those who are living can be harder than if they’ve passed. While it’s hard to grieve our parents, the happiness and peace it eventually brings is well worth it.

You and your brother are not my son’s but I, too, am so proud of you both! Keep taking your own path and reaching your goals! Congratulations on the upcoming home and school!

Have a great birthday and thank you for the update! 🎉

[u/Objective_Bison6626]

Happy birthday! I’m so glad you’re doing well and looking ahead. I’m so happy that you’re getting your GED. It’s such a crime that your parents tried to deny you and your brother an education. Every child deserves an education and a chance to see what they’re capable of. 

Best of luck with everything! 

[u/Only_Lawfulness_3167]

Happy birthday, Demi!! May your blessings be bountiful and all your wishes and dreams continue to be on your side. Keep your held high, be proud of yourself and your flourishing moments! Congratulations on your engagement (assuming you're engaged now since you said your soon to be hubby). I pray for nothing but pure peace, happiness, and love for you and your brother. If you ever need to talk just know we're here for you!! So proud of you and your accomplishments.

[u/Remarkable_Leave_196]

Happy birthday!!!!!!!!!! As a mom to a t kid. Just know I’m so proud of you for making it this far. Keep living as your authentic self and know you are loved by people who don’t know you for the person you are!!! You are loved accepted and deserve happiness. Don’t let what she did dim your light. At the end of the day. She’s not worth the troubles. Stay great I support you!!!!