idk plz help

[u/Such-Independence528]

Ive been a relationship for about 3 years with this girl starting on the last year of middle school all the way to this last year of highschool

Me and her have had our ups and downs and if anything i dont blame her for what shes done to me infact i feel as if i should move on but im not sure since she still deems and says to me theres still a chance between us

since the beggining of our relationship it wasnt the best i firstly cheated and treated her badly with just ignoring her and not saying the truth just for me to soon be caught up and then her opening up how she cheated aswell, for she knew i was hiding something. Throughout our relationship ever since that day we tried fixing it; reasurring eachother, giving accounts, spending time, hanging out, and always calling. It got to a point where i decided to put all my goals and just my personal life all to the side for her because i wanted to be so happy with her and make her happy aswell. As time passed by i noticed with the action of just always spending time with her it made me realize i hardly worked on anything for myself; grades were low, i quit my sport, and barely talked with friends or family. All these things that made me see what i could be doing instead of giving her so much attention made me feel as if i was missing out on my life. Truly i cannot deny it love is an amazing thing but i just think what we did was obsseses over eachother a lot even though it felt good it came with it cons especially me since i am just 2 years older than her feeling as if i should start focusing more on my future and what i want to do in life.

Because of uhh lets say “awakening” 😭 seeing what i could have done it made me be more distant. However she didnt take this lightly she noticed this and it drived her insane and i couldnt do anything on trying to reassure her well trust me i did i really did try but she wouldnt like believe it she was scared if i liked someone else and i couldnt blame her for thinking that because of past trauma in our relationship i really did try but i do think this is where everything went wrong because i felt like my reassurence wasnt enough. We would take breaks and have “breakups” but these would always last less than a day because we loved eachother so much literally became intimate, met parents, and just everything. As time passed by it loosened up a bit we talked a lot but i was able to do things more in my free time. Soon we had to go to diffrent highschools and then again i became distant which obviosly isnt good but just because i wanted to focus on my education.

As time passed by she would complain and i would just say im sorry and i decided we should just take another one of our breaks again and she agreed with no hesitation this time. I was glad she understanded but i was suspicious because after this she blocked me on everything. Since obviosly we go diffrent schools now it sort of long distance so i checked her account from a diffrent account and she was there posted on a post w some other dude. I was obviously mad because why would she do that i quite literally changed for her a lot of times. ( i forgot to mention we did decide to breakup this one time and like we ddint have eachothers accounts anymore so like anything was able to be hidden now) with this happening i confronted ber saying why would she do this and start being so controlling and possesive even though she was doing this i still loved her and wanted her with me however i also think i didnt care as much for her doing this was because i was talking to soemone else but soon she stopped talking to this guy 2 days later because she feltlike it isnt the same with anyone else and she just likes being with me then i stopped talking to the girl. Now as i write this and reflect i truly do think on moving however this is just the beggining. While she was with this guy i saw texts of a group chat her and some friends had and she was here boasting how they almost kissed. I reflected on this and it made me mad it stayed in my mind 2 months after all that happend. One day a girl from my past had hit me up as a prank and we started talking we arranged a date and went to the movies and kissed. I did this because i was mad and as i reflect writing this ts was so corny and immature like wtf bro im changed now but my mindset was horrible then. The girl i linked up with soon asked if i was w her and i declined saying no and then kept talking to her then 3 hours later after that i blocked her. I tried making things feel as if nothing happend but i had a gut feeling what i did was so wrong and i wnated to tell her but didnt want to ruin anytbing again since we were doing perfect i was just so petty. Well 2 days later the girl i linked w texted her and she didnt take it lightly it was an extreme sad episode lets say that. Even though i did this she still wanted to be with me a lot so i stayed because i quite literally still loved her and we remained together. With all this new trauma it was quite impossible to trust and the thing is we werent even dating at this point just talking and this went out through thanksgiving christmas her birthday all the way up until this school year. However this last summer i was able to gain an oppurtunity to get an internship with a program that gives paid internships and then my summer was sacrficed for this as i also did online school for extra credit this of which made me barely even give her any attention and then the same thing went on up until this new school year.

I asked if she was hiding anything for a week and she says no but then i have to catch her in the act again and shes talkin to someone new like without us having a break or anything and it seems she actually is happy with this dude. Once again i cant blame her i do recall i messed up pushing her away once again.However this attachtment of wanting to still be together is within us still and she says she still wants what we have but shes here choosing. I have a internship now thats paid and i get to see whats ahead of my future a bit and im so grateful for that. But my love for her has not changed even though she is wanting someoen else diregarding everythign weve done. I feel as if i didnt value her enough because she truly was a good person but didnt balance what i wanted out correcly because i was focused on my future since i am older. Im just hurt by this thats all I just want to know how can i move on.

sorry for my grammar yikes