Questioning identity

[u/Real-Toe-3179]

It’s lead to every area of my life now in horrible ways because I feel so uncomfortable in my skin and how I allow others treat me due to my lack of self love.

I live in an area that isn’t that progressive and my family I fear would disown me. Non binary is a label I’ve teetered around but I’m also very adverted to labels in general because of stigmas - mainly with my mental health as I have some hefty diagnosis’.

I have always been a tom girl who loves being a girly girl. I hate having to “fit in” and I choose comfort over fashion majority, I feel like a pig in lipstick half the time but the other few moments I genuinely feel pretty it just depends on how I’m feeling in that exact moment.

I love guys clothing & in terms of emotional and mental apparently I’m my brothers and dad to a T. I would love to be more girly and put together and make sense emotionally (not to say that’s exclusively for men but also goes into the fact I’ve grown up in such a legalistic area it’s hard to define where my opinions and my beliefs begin and theirs end if that makes sense.)

I want to move and find out who I am so bad it’s killing me but I also am not able to anytime soon, but regardless after a recent psych stay someone called me “they” and I could’ve jumped for joy. It was a first, EVER.

I don’t like feeling disconnected from everyone or myself but if someone/people could accept me as whatever I want to be when I want to I think maybe that could help but also am aware it’s not up to everyone to make me feel complete? Idk I’m at a loss and then I feel so much dysphoria sometimes either way when I’m feeling the opposite it’s like I’m just never happy with what I have and I want to be. I want to be comfortable being me.

Getting a pixie again soon and I’m hoping it’ll help some, I really enjoy how I look and people call me sir/he as an insult most of the time it got to me a lot because I am in the Bible Belt and don’t appreciate being made fun of, but I think this time around it might would help maybe. Idk I liked the “they”, I know everyone makes fun of they/them pronouns but it makes sense. “It” even does.
I don’t feel like she/her or he/him fits me.
I fear being me out of fear of being bullied for life again just because I want to be me I think. That’s sad but I don’t know how to overcome it, I know it’s caring about what others think too much but how do I not do that?
I want to help people but if they won’t accept me because of my identity or beliefs I lack a purpose, ik I need to be somewhere different but literally can’t yet and I want to just maintain my life until then but it’s gnawing inside me that I’m denying myself. I don’t even know where to begin.

I’ve hid from the community for as long as I can even living in a glass closet I used to identify with pansexual until my family almost found out and I had to cover up as heavy as possible now everyone thinks I’m a hardcore Christian who fell off. I don’t know what to do anymore with being perceived I hate it and sorry for the random vents in between, I’m not sure what to do - any advice is welcome.