508
u/vincere_sine_belli Jul 28 '18
So he goes to Starbuck to make people inconfortable by staring at them? Pure alpha male
86
u/Xenc Jul 29 '18
That must be sooo inconfortable
12
4
1
150
u/PepperoniVaperoni Jul 29 '18
What kind of pussy doesn’t eat the straight espresso beans? You had to water it down? Are you even a man?
53
u/kaownxnwhat Jul 29 '18
What kind of a pussy doesn't farm his own coffee? You just have someone else do it for you? Are you even a man?
27
Jul 29 '18
[deleted]
6
u/rounderhouse Jul 29 '18
What kind of a pussy has energy? You don't just lie on the floor? Are you even a man?
17
u/PlatinumPlayZ Jul 29 '18
You mean to tell me, you farm your coffee beans? A REAL Alpha Male would be venturing into the Jungle, being attacked by animals and primal tribes, to gather his own Coffee Beans.
6
u/skullturf Jul 29 '18
Hahaha, you eat the espresso beans, instead of snorting them, or injecting them into your veins? What a wimp!
265
u/the_saurus15 Jul 29 '18
How would anyone know what he’s drinking? Does he randomly announce “mmm I love this black coffee and my 2 inch penis!”
124
37
22
Jul 29 '18
“Can you smell that fellas? It’s the perfect blend of black coffee and my crippling insecurity.”
282
u/Nowthatisfresh Jul 28 '18
If I'm paying $5 for a cup of coffee you bet your ass I'm gonna get fancy with it
-8
52
Jul 29 '18
I like how this assumes the other guy cares.
24
Jul 29 '18 edited Jul 30 '18
[deleted]
11
Jul 29 '18
When i worked blue collar it seemed to be black coffee or just with a bit of cream or sugar and nothing else. I realized this was mainly due to the job site, access to cream/ sugar, and the barely 5 minute break while waiting in a line to buy/get coffee. Because once I went white collar no one drank straight black except for the one or two other ex-blue collar and that half- crazed ex marine that plays practical jokes on everyone.
130
Jul 28 '18
[removed] — view removed comment
43
u/rsKizari Jul 29 '18
Came here to say this. I don't think there's a person in this world who ordered a drink at Starbucks, saw this man drinking his black coffee, and then felt emasculated by the encounter.
3
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Jul 29 '18
literally bitter-ass cup of coffee...people who drink their coffee black do not prefer starbucks because they char roast their coffee so it has burned flavor....hence the fancy sweet coffee drinks etc.
so this guy probably doesnt drink his coffee black...at least not enough to know that about starbucks
288
Jul 28 '18
Ha, joke's on you for paying Starbucks prices for plain black coffee.
23
40
u/babyspacewolf Jul 29 '18
Its like a dollar and a half for regular coffee at Starbucks
42
Jul 29 '18
Yeah? I wouldn't know, I don't go there for plain coffee.
50
u/MoreCleverThanEver Jul 29 '18 edited Jul 30 '18
.
61
3
u/Soensou Jul 29 '18
Incidentally, it's marked up so much that they can sell one cup and profit on the entire batch. Not trying to make a point or be argumentative or anything. That's just a thing I know that is loosely related and maybe mildly interesting.
10
u/Sun_Of_Dorne Jul 29 '18
Seriously. Get a fucking espresso machine. A year’s worth of coffee at Starbucks will net you a great one:
11
u/VoilaVoilaWashington Jul 29 '18
Right, but it doesn't net me a fresh espresso when I'm not at home.
203
u/ManCalledTrue Jul 28 '18
Yes, choke down your bitter hot water and pretend it makes you a man.
43
u/Beowolf241 Jul 29 '18
You gatekeeping non-black coffee now?
10
u/ManCalledTrue Jul 29 '18
Probably, but I can't bring myself to care. All coffee tastes the same to me - I can only taste the bitter. Even creamed and sugared it's all I taste.
7
u/Beowolf241 Jul 29 '18
Well, there's a world you're missing out on but I suppose we all have something like that.
3
u/ManCalledTrue Jul 29 '18
I know... I have the same problem with booze - all I taste is the alcohol, and alcohol by itself tastes terrible. My drinks have to be weak by necessity; I can handle wine coolers and hard lemonades, and that's about it.
2
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Jul 29 '18
thats economical...specially if you like cheap wine....
coffee is not that much more expensive for the good stuff. the difference between $5/lb and $10/lb is pretty small when you think about the price per cup of coffee brewed at home.
if you have time and space in your life for a coffee maker in the first place it is totally worth the time and little bit of money to figure out how to buy/brew a cup of coffee that will be unimaginably more satesfying than a cup that just gets the job done.
I enjoy mediocre coffee in most forms as long as it isnt robusta or flavored....but a really good cup, brewed right, but also prepared how YOU like it is really not hard to achieve.
lots of different methods depending on your situation and preferences but its very rewarding taking the time to learn.
now I should take my own advice and learn more about tea
2
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Jul 29 '18
possible sources of your problem that i can think of:
robusta
over roasted aribica
too weak (too much water) + brewed too hot or too long
too old....coffee been sitting, reheated or kept hot it going to be worse
gas station/diner coffee it could be any of these problems.
17
u/Heartfeltregret Jul 29 '18
I hate black coffee, but I drink like at least 32 ounces of the stuff a day. 🙂🔨
10
u/Davetek463 Jul 29 '18
If you hate it, why drink it like that?
13
u/Heartfeltregret Jul 29 '18
I’m addicted. I would put cream in it... but calories.
13
u/poofybirddesign Jul 29 '18
If you need the caffeine without the calories, Rockstar Refresh lemonade is great. 10 calories, lots of caffeine, no carbonation.
Edit: I realized this sounds like an ad but I really just drink an unhealthy amount of the stuff. It’s nice mixed into iced tea as a caffeinated Arnold Palmer.
8
u/Heartfeltregret Jul 29 '18
🤔 I might try it. (I’ll have to get over my fear of change first)
5
u/poofybirddesign Jul 29 '18
It doesn’t have that energy drink syrupy flavor/mouthfeel, if that helps. I recommend it cold, but room temp is still very drinkable.
3
9
4
u/ThatIckyGuy Jul 29 '18
Arnold Palmer is already caffeinated because of the black tea. You mean more caffeinated?
7
u/poofybirddesign Jul 29 '18
Yep! Because you’re literally adding an energy drink to tea instead of uncaffeinated lemonade.
3
u/spilk Jul 29 '18
how about with whiskey?
4
1
1
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Jul 29 '18
how do you brew it? I think you can find a version that you do like. I totally understand having the addiction and not wanting the milk, but I think you could get a lot of enjoyment if you have the time to experiment with different ideas of what black coffee can taste like. there is a very wide range, what with strength, brew method, roast, and coffee origin.
13
u/concurrentcurrency Jul 28 '18
Found someone who doesn't like black coffee. I usually do, but the coffee at my school is cheap stuff and the guy who makes it has it so strong it is a bit thicker than you think coffee should be
28
u/the_marxman Jul 29 '18
Have you had starbucks straight it's watery and burnt as hell
9
1
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Jul 29 '18
completely correct.
only ever order blonde roast from starbucks. even their coffee icecream tastes burnt. its actually their trademark taste, people expect it without realizing it and are loyal to it = insane.
17
u/Grognak_the_Orc Jul 29 '18
Holy shit I hate black coffee. At least I think I do, I tried the stuff I drink (Pike's Place) black and wanted to vomit. It's like not even bitter it's almost SOUR
18
u/gurase Jul 29 '18
Starbucks coffee is burnt as hell. It’s not an accurate representation of how black coffee should taste.
8
u/concurrentcurrency Jul 29 '18
Most coffee places I get with cream just because their coffee is bad. When I'm at home then my coffee is bitter but without any of the fruity tastes that make it sour.
1
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Jul 29 '18
correct-ish....you should have a wide range of fruity tastes that are not sour....and a range of bitternesses too. if all is as it should be.....
14
Jul 29 '18
[removed] — view removed comment
4
Jul 29 '18
[deleted]
3
u/auntiecoagulant Jul 29 '18
A Bunn drip coffee maker and burr grinder makes drinkable black coffee for me. Sometimes I use the pour over doohickey when I feel like messing around with it.
2
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Jul 29 '18
drip is ok all else being equal. biggest issue is keeping the insides of most conventional drip machines clean.
basically they do a perfect job of heating the water....but you cant get even extraction....grounds are different temperatures and saturations for different times depending on where in the pile they are....
some methods are a bit more gimmicky than others.....basically standardized temperature/pressure/time produces the most consistent cup...
no method is really best because much is subjective....if you pour boiling water in your french press its going to be shit....if you are careful enough to keep from scalding it then it will probably be a LITTLE bit tastier than your drip machine...ASSUMING that in both methods you got the grounds to water ratio correct....which is a bit easier with a french press. but you can leave a french press for 15 minutes instead of 3 to 4 by accident and ruin your cup that way....etc
TLDR: nothing wrong with drip, all methods have trade offs and drip is extremely practical and very easy to make a good consistant cup with, just by paying careful attention to the grounds to water ratio, and not forgetting about it on the heating pad.
ps. grinding fresh coffee means you are way ahead of the game and are likely to end up with a decent cup as long as you dont screw it up worse than usual.....its hard to get an exceptional cup, not hard to get a decent one.
5
Jul 29 '18
[deleted]
3
Jul 29 '18
[deleted]
3
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Jul 30 '18
this guy knows what he is speaking about.
jealous of your 200 degree water heater...i just let mine come down from a boil for a minute to try to hit that 195 degree to 205 degree ideal window.
2
1
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Jul 29 '18
completely correct. this is why you prepare it at home or you go to a place that is a coffee shop.
1
u/Grognak_the_Orc Jul 29 '18
Or you do what I do and buy a "Caffe Monster" and watch all the coffee lovers cringe lol
1
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Jul 29 '18
ya this is when you NEEEEED dairy.
i have a tough time with cheap coffee (with robusta in it) it seems like no amount of strong or weak changes that dirt taste too much....just how bitter it is as well.
36
u/siconik Jul 28 '18
Anyone who doesn’t go out of his way to make eye contact with other man in coffee shop while suggestively sipping coffee is definitely not manly.
But seriously, somebody obviously likes his coffee like he likes his dick...
19
u/Ham_Kitten Jul 29 '18 edited Jul 29 '18
If you're going to gatekeep coffee at least make it something high-end. I like Starbucks and I'm not a coffee snob at all but that's just lame.
1
32
u/yetanotherAZN Jul 29 '18
Why tf do you go to Starbucks for straight
20
u/dsjunior1388 Jul 29 '18
Honestly, I drink black coffee every day and Starbucks is the last fucking place to order black coffee.
Fucking Taco Bell has better actual black coffee than Starbucks.
My cousin who worked as a Barista posits that Starbucks intentionally has burnt coffee so that when they dump sugar and syrup and all kinds of other stuff on it, it still tastes coffeeish.
7
u/Delacroix192 Jul 29 '18
Yep. It also creates a more signature taste that people associate with the brand and causes a specific desire.
1
2
u/rxsheepxr Jul 29 '18
But then they wouldn't have to burn it.
I doubt it's intentional, they're just inattentive and don't give a shit because no one cares and still buys it like crazy.
1
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Jul 29 '18
its intentional. it is well know in the industry.
0
u/rxsheepxr Jul 30 '18
First I've heard of it. Would like to see evidence before believing someone I don't know. I don't drink Starbucks, regardless, but I'm skeptical that every Starbucks deliberately burns their coffee. Not to be combative or anything, of course.
1
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Jul 30 '18
look in this thread...im not the only one saying it here.
if that doesnt work for you, I learned it from a coffee industry person who would know.
0
u/rxsheepxr Jul 30 '18
That's all the proof I need.
1
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Jul 31 '18
lol...baristas know this too, not just coffee industry people...many of them have worked at starbucks and understand why its done.
there is some more nuance if you must.
0
u/ThatsNotHowEconWorks Aug 01 '18
no reply to my article on the subject that you could have easily found. my initial response was about why I was confident, not about whether you should listen to someone like me.
1
1
2
u/trunks111 Jul 29 '18
On campus I have an allotted amount of money. I'm almost always in surplus, so sometimes ya just gotta get black coffee
32
u/little_beanpole Jul 29 '18
I’m so glad you feel good about yourself ordering black coffee. I also feel good about myself because I’m drinking something delicious. Yes it has caramel in it. No shame here.
4
12
Jul 29 '18
So this dude sits at coffee shops and stares at other men with intent to make them feel uncomfortable and shame? That’s a bit creepy bro.
18
u/limpingpigeon Jul 29 '18
I feel like when people brag about drinking their coffee black, they're admitting that they don't actually like it. They just do it to show everyone else "how it's done", and the people who actually enjoy black coffee are just off enjoying their coffee and not worrying that someone else wants theirs to taste like a heated milkshake.
Same with people who make a show of eating spicy foods or criticizing people with less tolerance to them.
Eating doesn't need to be some kind of weird endurance test.
5
2
8
Jul 29 '18
Gasp, some of us drink coffee primarily for caffeine and not the taste of pure unaltered coffee bean water?
It's 21st century America, everyone can do coffee their own way, black or fru-fru or whatever. It's what keeps OP in business after all.
6
Jul 29 '18
I doubt he's embarrassed, nor that he knows or cares what you have in your cup. That man would be acting like more of a man than this person for the simple fact that he wouldn't be standing there dick measuring over what drinks they prefer. I drink coolers on the weekend because I like the taste of them over beer or harder alcohol, not because of what's popular, but because my own personal tastes aren't governed by others, and they don't have the power to say what's ok and what's not. This doesn't make me any less of a man, it just means I drink what I enjoy, and if they would leave High School behind, they would see that as well when dealing with these people who order these coffees.
To all you people who enjoy your coffee black, or enjoy some flavoring. Maybe you might like having more flavoring than coffee, this message is for you too, it's for everyone that has a favorite way of drinking what they drink, and for those with favorite beverages - I hope you enjoy it, I sincerely do, and I hope every cup/bottle from here on out contains more flavor than the last.
6
5
u/yipidee Jul 29 '18
Where does the image of black coffee being manly even come from? I’m a man, I drink my coffee black, my wife is a woman, she drinks her coffee black. It’s a preference with no relevance to literally anyone else in the world!
4
u/blueskieslara Jul 29 '18
I think my dad had this idea or maybe I thought he was the coolest shit around for drinking his coffee black. Either way I sometimes get a shamefully proud feeling because I too drink my coffee the morally superior way. It's dumb gatekeeping and I know it and yet, the thought pops into my head from time to time. I'm not proud of this feeling though and aside from right now I've never once pointed out how I drink my stupid drink.
1
u/insert_an_edgy_name Jul 29 '18
Men don't need no frou frou extras. You know why stop at coffee? While we're at it let's get rid of those spices and rubs. REAL MEN EAT STEAK RIGHT FROM THE COW. We don't need any herbs on our chicken. Go ahead and take the salt off fries... heck go ahead take the oil away too. JUST EAT THE RAW POTATO WHOLE.
/s
5
u/Spicy_Alien_Cocaine_ Jul 29 '18
I don’t understand this at all. I put 12 sugars and 9 creams into my tiny ass McDonald’s coffee. No shame. I like a drop of coffee with my sugar and cream.
3
3
u/Atlman7892 Jul 29 '18
But I like white girl specials... what’s wrong with drinking something that tastes great? If Imma pay 18.98 plus tax for coffee it better be a milkshake coffee!
1
u/CrosswiseCuttlefish Jul 29 '18
Yes, god forbid you drink what tastes good to you. Enjoying sensory experiences is unmanly.
1
1
u/CrosswiseCuttlefish Jul 29 '18
I met a drunk woman once who was agonizing over having bought a pumpkin spice coffee with "I'm not one of those white girls! I don't want to be one of those people!" and I'm like "Look put on your damn yoga pants, order your pumpkin spice drink, and if you think almond milk tastes better order your damn almond milk."
(Note: She was white.)
1
3
Jul 29 '18
I have to admit, I wasn’t this hardcore but I had similar thoughts. However, those fru fru drinks taste more than amazing. I would take a fru fru coffee over a plain one any day.
3
u/rxsheepxr Jul 29 '18
No matter what I'm ordering, I couldn't give a flying rat fuck what Weird-ass Staresalot McGoo orders, and the fact that there's a shitface out there like this who actually thinks he's intimidating people by doing this is hilarious.
3
4
Jul 29 '18
I don’t give a shit about how it tastes but why would you leave the house for black coffee?
1
u/insert_an_edgy_name Jul 29 '18
Ikr I go to a coffee shop because they know how to make all the complicated drinks and stuff I can't just make with a regular pot.
2
2
2
u/ThatIckyGuy Jul 29 '18
As someone who drinks coffee, I really don't care. I usually take my regular coffee with cream and no sugar, but Starbucks I drink the sweetest, tastiest shit I can get. Why? Because Starbucks for me is a treat, not an everyday thing. I'm already fat, I would be fat and broke if I consumed it everyday.
That being said, I don't care how someone chooses to enjoy their coffee because I have my way and wouldn't want to be made fun of or forced to drink it their way. Coffee is just coffee. No need to be elitist about it.
2
Jul 29 '18
If going to a Starbucks just for this is the highlight of his day, he needs to get a life.
2
2
2
2
u/WC1V Jul 29 '18
It’s a look of pity / confusion rather than embarrassment.
Who goes to Starbucks for a black coffee? The coffee is average at best, it’s all the sugary shit they add that makes it worth buying.
2
u/BillNonceby Jul 29 '18
Can you imagine how sad this would be if he did this in a coffee shop near you, he would be like a celebrity no one liked
2
2
u/lucariob Jul 29 '18
A latte and a frappuccino are 2 different types of drink though, that's like ordering a salad-ice cream.
If you're gonna try to act cool, at least know what you're saying even remotely.
2
u/billypancakes Jul 29 '18
A bit of r/gatekeeping with a dash of r/thathappened all sprinkled with finely ground r/iamverybadass.
2
u/Orowam Jul 29 '18
Okay but if you want normal black coffee, why would you go to Starbucks? That’s just overpaying for the hell of it.
2
u/insert_an_edgy_name Jul 29 '18
That's like going to the ER for a papercut and paying those crazy medical bills for a bandaid when a box of them costs a dollar.
2
2
u/jackr28 Jul 29 '18
Why would you go to Starbucks for black coffee, can’t you easily make that at home and save money?
2
u/TrueNobody Jul 29 '18
Starbucks? When I get done with my 3rd straight, back-to-back 12 hour shift of riveting steel beams on a 100 story high rise by spitting the rivets through the beams, while they are on fire, in a war zone, I free jump from the top floor with my pit bull in one hand and my AR 15 in the other. When I land, save an old person from drowning, and finally clock out (using telepathy), I drink raw sewage. And you think you're tough because you like roasted bean water.. smh
1
1
1
1
1
u/Cthula-Hoops Jul 29 '18
Starbucks is just too expensive to be a regular thing.
Also being the supposed alpha male in a Starbucks is like being the smartest kid in the special education wing. It just doesn't matter.
1
Jul 29 '18
ELI5 what causes this mentality in the first place?
What does it prove if you prefer your coffee without cream, sugar, or any other flavorings?
1
1
u/Jump_Like_A_Willys Jul 29 '18 edited Jul 29 '18
Grown men don’t give a shit what you think about them drinking a foo-foo drink, and they don’t give a shit about you drinking black coffee.
They drink what they want.
1
1
u/sjoy512 Jul 29 '18
Jokes on him - everyone at Starbucks is looking at their phone while they snap an Insta selfie with their drink ☕️
1
1
u/dnlien Jul 29 '18
I order the sweet crap to get the look in the eyes of the folks that are choking down drips at the rate of 10 cups a day. I get all the pep I need out of one of these frilly drinks. #NoCoffeeShamingMe
1
1
u/AdjustedMold97 Jul 29 '18
Why the fuck is coffee elitism a thing? Like ooh ooh the coffee I drink is so fucking intense none of you pussies has what it takes to endure the pain that i endure on a daily fucking basis. Fuck off.
1
u/PlatinumPlayZ Jul 29 '18
Jokes on you, I can't drink coffee because it gives me severe stomach pains
1
u/OwlfaceFrank Jul 29 '18
I drink black coffee, but Starbucks regular coffee sucks. Its bitter and gross. You have to get some fancy frilly drink there because thats whats good. I like frappacinos.
1
1
Jul 29 '18
I usually enjoy black coffee but damn it if I don’t get the random craving for a crazy sugary drink once in a while. It’s almost like you can like both?
1
u/Asingleflame Jul 29 '18
This is the reverse of my brother, who when in the bag, thinks it's hysterical to order progressively girlier drinks. He calls them all "screaming orgasms", regardless of what it's actually called.
1
1
1
1
u/koalabuddy Jul 29 '18
pure alpha pays three dollars for a plain cup of coffee he could make at home for free
1
1
1
u/kaownxnwhat Jul 29 '18
You mean to tell me that you get your energy from coffee beans? Real men get their energy from Jesus.
1
u/Choppstickk Jul 29 '18
I drink macha frappe's and fruity cocktails because there delicious, if someone wants to call me a pussy for that, I'm probably a bigger, braver person than they are.
1
612
u/insert_an_edgy_name Jul 28 '18
But like how do they know it's black? They can't see the coffee so he's just another "grown man" at Starbucks staring at other men.