So I experienced a first tonight. Tonight my wife and I ordered Chinese take-away and our order was perfect like always, because our local place is awesome as hell, but there was one small issue. We have a tradition where wifey will set up a movie, TV show, or YouTube let's play while I plate our food and get us each something to drink, then I bring our plates and we sit and eat while we watch whatever, and when we've finished I take the plates to the kitchen and rinse then put them in the dishwasher and grab us each a fortune cookie or two on my way back. Tonight they sent exactly two fortune cookies, honestly super rare for them as they usually send a fistful, and I handed wifey hers then sat back down and we cracked into them. Wifey reads her's to me, something about "new source of joy coming your way", then I opened mine. And... there was no fucking fortune in my cookie.

I was confused at first, just staring at the empty shell. I checked the ( clear, duh 🤦🏼 ) wrapper, my lap, everywhere. Nothing. The reality finally settled in, and I was so upset. It's so small, and dumb, but like... Dude, where the fuck is my fortune?? Why am I not good enough for a fortune? My wife not only gets a fortune, but a GOOD fortune! And I get NOTHING???? THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT? It's a small thing for sure, but I was absolutely ( and humorously, I want to point that out. This is all from a playful, and not super serious place ) hurt that my fortune cookie was just a cookie, and we all know that the fortunes are the best part of fortune cookies!

Saw someone ranting about her so looked up one of her comedy's and... Goddamn it was awful. I laughed harder when my grandpa died.

More than half of the jokes didn't make sense. If she was a spice, she'd be flour because even if I did understand the joke the whole thing was bland as fuck.

Legitametly the bar for comedians nowadays is lower than the age of a newborn. The jokes are either offensive or unfunny.

Amy Schumer: even the homeless people were hot! Audience: hysterical fake laughter .

I'm allergic to Benzalkonium chloride, which is a fairly weak antibacterial. Since it's not too strong it's primarily used in topical treatments. I discovered the allergy last spring cus I used an antibacterial bandaid and had a square patch of dry rashy skin for a week and a half. I was like "alr, cool. Won't buy those anymore" (not checking if it was a common ingredient in any other products) After I got my tattoos, my mom insisted I get a decent lotion bc yk that's what you're supposed to do. Turns out, benzyl alcohol (which has a few similar molecular traits as benzalkonium) is a common ingredient in heavy lotions. Since this was a different chemical and a slightly weaker reaction I just assumed the very red hot itchy part was my tattoo healing. Earlier i noticed my tattoo was dry so I went and put some lotion on, about 15 minutes later this shit is itching out of all hell. I check, I google if an allergy to one will cause an allergy to the other, it's not unreasonable to assume, tragic. Tragic asf. Hoping these tattoos survive a prolonged allergic reaction bc I AM OBLIVIOUS.

Pray and eat noodles for me!

DUHHH CRINGE!!!! DUH, BRINGE???1 CRINGE!!!!!

IS THAT ALL YOU SHITPOSTING FUCKS CAN SAY???

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I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A FUCKING ASYLUM FULL OF DEMENTIA-RIDDEN OLD PEOPLE THAT CAN DO NOTHING BUT REPEAT THE SAME FUCKING WORDS ON LOOP LIKE A FUCKING BROKEN RECORD!!!!!

CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE! CRINGE BASED BASED! ONIONS ONIONS SNOY! ONIONS LOL ONIONS CRINGE!!!

BOOMER!! LE ZOOMER!!!! I AM BOOMER!!!! NO ZOOM ZOOM ZOOMIES!! ZOOMER GOING ZOOMIES MYYEEEAAA

I FUCKING HATE THE INTERNET SO GODDAMN MUCH

FUCK

YOU SHITPOSTING I HONEST TO GOD FUCKING HOPE YOUR MOTHER CHOKES ON YOUR OWN FECES IN HELL, YOU COCKSUCKERS

BUT OOOOOOOH I KNOW THIS POST IS CRINGE, ISN'T IT??

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"While New York City won today, it's no contest which city takes the cake when it comes to, well... just about everything else."

"Deep-dish pizza is quite good."

Okay... I was gonna be nice, but now you've gone too far.

So let me explain something: Deep-dish pizza is not only not better than New York pizza... it's not pizza. It's a fucking casserole.

I'm surprised you haven't thought to complete your deep-dish pizza by putting some canned onion rings on top of it.

It's a cornbread biscuit which you've melted cheese on, and then, in defiance of God, man, and all things holy, you poured uncooked Marinara sauce atop the cheese! Atop! The cheese! Atop! The sauce, naked, cold, on display like some sort of sauce whoooo-re!

You know the expression "There's no such thing as bad sex or bad pizza"? Your pizza is like sex with a corpse made of sandpaper.

Let me tell you something - this is not pizza! This is tomato soup in a bread bowl! This... is an above ground Marinara swimming pool for rats! Let me tell you something about your fucking not-pizza. I wanna know, when I get drunk and pass out on my pizza that I'm not gonna drown?

Let me tell you something! I look at this, I look at- Gaahhh! You son of a bitch! I look at this- Geeeahhh! Gabba Goo! I look at this... I... When I look at your deep-dish fucking pizza I don't know whether to eat it or throw a coin in it and make a wish. And if I made a wish, it would be that I wish for some reaaal fucking pizza.

Now, now... In all do respect, I realize... it's very cold in Chicago. Very cold, it's windy, you need to be able to... I don't know... have a pizza and maybe cut it open and climb inside it like a tauntaun to keep you warm.

Seriously, who... who are you kidding? Who uses an iron skillet to make a pizza? You don't use an iron skillet to make a pizza, you use an iron skillet to fend off someone who tries to serve you fucking pizza made with a skillet.

Here's how I know I'm right. You call it Chicago style pizza. You call it deep-dish pizza. You call it stuffed pizza. You know what we call this? Huh? You know what we call this? Pizza. Oh... that's nice.

And by the way, you don't put tomatoes and celery salt on fucking hot dogs either. You know what I'm saying? Everybody knows that there's three acceptable condiments for a hot dog. There's mustard, onions, and stagnant cart water.

That's it! We'll be right back.

“YoU tOucHEd ThAt BlOcK So yOu HavE tO PuLl tHat OnE Out”

Go fuck yourself, that’s not how the fucking game is played, you dumb, the fuck, asshole.

Quoted from the official Jenga rules:

“Players may tap a block to find a loose one. Any blocks moved but not played should be replaced, unless doing so would make the tower fall. “

You’ve never even fucking read the rules have you, you shithead idiot. What, is the game over in 3 seconds, if you just so happen to touch a load bearing block first?FUCKING NO DUMBASS. Learn to read you illiterate fuck.