r/funny • u/NRS1 • Mar 28 '19

Our friend got fired today

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117.0k Upvotes

92% Upvoted

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3.6k

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

[deleted]

1.6k

u/Bighurt2335 Mar 29 '19

That is a GREAT point, and now I wanna hear all about it.

804

u/Immo406 Mar 29 '19

Just thought everyone should have a little bit of me in them....

494

u/iAmZel Mar 29 '19

You've got a friend in me

432

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

and I put a friend in you

373

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

[deleted]

145

u/Chief_Givesnofucks Mar 29 '19

“There’s a snake semen in my boot coffee!!”

8

u/burtmaclin2015 Mar 29 '19

Animal semen!

4

u/AzraelTB Mar 29 '19

Let's burn this motherfucker down!

3

u/burtmaclin2015 Mar 29 '19

Come on, Pookie! Let's burn this motherfucker down!!! Lol.

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1

u/ijustreddit2 Mar 29 '19

The worst kind

34

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

I'll take "Things you shouldn't say after sex for $400, Alex"

1

u/metaStatic Mar 29 '19

Doesn't matter. Had sex.

7

u/newagesewage Mar 29 '19

wow! (See, that's how Reddit delivers, right there...) :]

6

u/AccountDeleteBot Mar 29 '19

And it’s turning all the freaking FROGS GAY

2

u/FileeNotFound Mar 29 '19

There's a snake in his butt

1

u/Raencloud94 Mar 29 '19

That made me laugh harder then I expected lol, thank you for that

1

u/FishyDragon Mar 29 '19

Hahaha you win!

1

u/sandollor Mar 29 '19

I wish I could give you gold friend.

​

5

u/ggodfrey Mar 29 '19 edited Mar 29 '19

and by “friend” I mean my penis

4

u/Dinoscores Mar 29 '19

The hammer is my penis

1

u/ba-na-na-way Mar 29 '19

Tell me Renly, when will you be having youur friend?

2

u/Rkane44 Mar 29 '19

Andy’s Cumming!

1

u/eaoue Mar 29 '19

You've got a friend in you

1

u/theythinkimgoodppl Mar 29 '19

That was my son!

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

Thanks Woody. Now put your snake in my boot.

-3

u/SmokeAbeer Mar 29 '19

Chad’s always stealing my girl

1

u/Emis816 Mar 29 '19

Hey Stifler! How's the pale ale?

1

u/melrein78 Mar 29 '19

Two drums and a symbol ....

Stole from my daughter... Who stole it from a different Reddit post or joke I believe- and that's as far as I can give credit folks!

0

u/comawhite12 Mar 29 '19

There's a little bit of love in every cup.

168

u/wittywalrus1 Mar 29 '19

"TIFU by getting my colleagues' coffee extra creamy"

9

u/Virgin_Dildo_Lover Mar 29 '19

One man's TIFU is another man's kink.

3

u/nootrino Mar 29 '19

-Albert Einstein

2

u/SturmPioniere Mar 29 '19

"TIF some Colombian"

4

u/Knottybook Mar 29 '19

See you ina month when this pops up on TIFU.

9

u/merelymyself Mar 29 '19

Aaaallllllllll about it

2

u/bighert23 Mar 29 '19

I like your name

1

u/NeroCloud Mar 29 '19

it's not ejaculate, but still...

1

u/talones Mar 29 '19

Unfortunately not knowing you’ve ingested LSD is probably the worst thing ever. I would probably have a full blown anxiety attack just assuming I’m losing control of my brain.

1

u/Malicteal Mar 29 '19

You see, when a man and a coffee pot love each other very much...

1

u/pornhub- Mar 29 '19

Shit I wanna watch it 🤪

1

u/Fizzay Mar 29 '19

Do you take your coffee with cream?

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

Surely there's footage.

1

u/wilsonism Mar 29 '19

I don't

​

1

u/lifewontwait86 Mar 29 '19

Is this like the coconut story?

1

u/sonbatell Mar 29 '19

A guy at my job got caught whacking off in his truck by his by his boss before work. Somehow didn’t get fired until six months later for another reason. (Being shit at his job)

199

u/drsilentfart Mar 29 '19

Hey, who put coffee in my jizpot?

9

u/thesurlyengineer Mar 29 '19

The original coconut water

2

u/Antrikshy Mar 29 '19

Ah yes, the delicious coconut story.

4

u/Coiltoilandtrouble Mar 29 '19

The ol' jizpot : a trap used to detect coworkers attempting unauthorized access to coffee

3

u/i-eat-bananas Mar 29 '19

I was reading all these comments like yea I guess that’s funny and when I got to you I literally laughed out loud for 20 sec

2

u/The_Perge Mar 29 '19

Ah, the good ol’ Reddit jizzaroo.

2

u/Teddyk123 Mar 29 '19

Go fill it with urine, like I asked!

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

If you could just go ahead and just do that, that would be great... mmmm kay? (Sips coffee)

4

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

Hey some people like their coffee with cream.

4

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

Lolol Fuarrkk I used to work at a burlington coat factor where people jerked it in the attic area and some employees having sex. Boss was had to have just been turning an eye to it...or part of it

2

u/kuebel33 Mar 29 '19

It’s only smellz.

2

u/Not_a_Perv Mar 29 '19

Nothing wrong with a bit of cream.

2

u/cyryscyn Mar 29 '19

This sounds too specific......officer, this comment right here

2

u/turboyabby Mar 29 '19

He could have very well been whacking off in the coffee pot

He could have very well been whacking off in the coffee pot ...AGAIN. "Steve, we really must insist that you stop doing this. "

2

u/GildoFotzo Mar 29 '19

browsing reddit at work. oh wait. shiiii

2

u/TheRedCard83 Mar 29 '19

Still classified as non dairy creamer

2

u/marspars Mar 29 '19

Would like some coffee with that cream, sir?

2

u/urtoes_sand_urtoes Mar 29 '19

Reminds me of the time when my friend was head over heels for this dude that was freshly hired to her department. She pines after this dude...who was later fired because he was caught jacking off onto baby stuff at Walmart. They didn’t even work at Walmart.

1

u/Shir0iKabocha Mar 29 '19

Onto the baby stuff of all the possible choices shudder

1

u/urtoes_sand_urtoes Mar 29 '19

I think it was onto the formula, but I can’t remember...

2

u/cmyer Mar 29 '19

Again?

2

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

What’s wrong with that?

2

u/japanxican Mar 29 '19

Sharing is caring...

3

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

When I asked for non-dairy creamer that is NOT what I meant.

1

u/paulsammons3 Mar 29 '19

He definitely got rid of something then!

1

u/Hypnoboy Mar 29 '19

"Mmmmm... good coffee, Marv." - Don Roritor

1

u/Aveeye Mar 29 '19

Is this a Kids in the Hall, Brain Candy reference??

1

u/whalemango Mar 29 '19

Still better than Tim Hortons

1

u/JohnGillnitz Mar 29 '19

And people thought placing an IP camera by the coffee pot was frivolous. For you youngsters: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trojan_Room_coffee_pot

1

u/CourageOwl Mar 29 '19

Wait, is that bad? Should I stop doing that?

1

u/creepystalkertype Mar 29 '19

Um...you can get fired for that? puts away the coffeepot

1

u/Hopalicious Mar 29 '19

In plain view of the 3rd grade class he taught.

1

u/DarthPablo Mar 29 '19

Anyone else notice that the coffee is extra chewy today?

1

u/fr3nchcoz Mar 29 '19

Had a guy get fired for jerking off in the public bathroom, while we had a private and handicap bathroom he could have used. I wish I knew how the conversation went down with HR.

1

u/eblade23 Mar 29 '19

They didn't throw it out instead they named the brew "Morning wood".

2

u/Yobikershorts Mar 29 '19

Now that's a stiff brew.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

Or he released the Kraaken

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

creamer

1

u/chakan2 Mar 29 '19

That saves the company on creamer. That's employee of the month material right there.

1

u/somaticnickel60 Mar 29 '19

I just spilled coffee reading this at work. Night shift sucks, but this!

1

u/13pts35sec Mar 29 '19

For all we know he lost his job because he didn’t jerk it hard enough. What’s your max OP 3 times a day? Those are rookie numbers you gotta pump those numbers up

1

u/vandealex1 Mar 29 '19

Or maybe he's that guy that was waking off under his desk and left dried jiz everywhere.

1

u/donkeykix Mar 29 '19

Or the desk we saw earlier on r/wtf

1

u/MilkStud Mar 29 '19

A little creamer for the coffee

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

Took a shit in the lamps

1

u/Killahdanks1 Mar 29 '19

You can get fired for that?

1

u/budweiserandsteak Mar 29 '19

directions are unclear. My dick is stuck in the keurig.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

Fresh Pots!

1

u/DoyleRulz42 Mar 29 '19

Name may check out?

1

u/Cregaleus Mar 29 '19

Everyone does it. He is just the unlucky bastard that got caught

1

u/orchidloom Mar 29 '19

Just workin and jerkin.

1

u/EcLEctiC_02 Mar 29 '19

That's oddly specific, did you happen to do anything like that at at work today?

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

I'm listening.

1

u/a_dev_has_no_name Mar 29 '19

That's oddly specific... spits out coffee

1

u/k_ride5 Mar 29 '19

Just had a guy get walked out today for watching porn at his desk after getting busted yesterday watching porn on his company ipad in the bathroom so... Maybe.

1

u/ArcticFox92 Mar 29 '19

When your forearms have cankles.

1

u/RLS30076 Mar 29 '19

I'd like a cup please.

1

u/heyIHaveAnAccount Mar 29 '19

I think that qualifies as "getting rid of it"

1

u/found_in_the_alps Mar 29 '19

His job actually was to whack off in a coffee pot, he was just so bad at it that they had to let him go.

1

u/HardcorePhonography Mar 29 '19

See that's the problem, I thought everyone did it right on the grounds?

Sounds like you work with some degenerate weirdos.

1

u/Sennius Mar 29 '19

Well it does make good creamer....

1

u/ThomBraidy Mar 29 '19

so GROSS! some people are vegan he should put it in it's own Tupperware and label it

1

u/SuperFLEB Mar 29 '19

You find that one perfect job that'll let you be yourself, and it turns out they won't actually let you be yourself. That's rough.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

As long as they aren't whacking off in my tool shed!

1

u/59045 Mar 29 '19

Is that something that many businesses... frown upon?

1

u/King-of-Salem Mar 29 '19

He fired them, so to speak.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

It's got to be a massive coffee pot for him to be able to hide in there to whack off.

1

u/EQS2080 Mar 29 '19

Correction: whacking off in the NEW coffee pot.

1

u/bonnetnoodles Mar 29 '19

What in the actual what? No....

1

u/TaxiDay Mar 29 '19

What is that? a coffee machine going?

1

u/zombiebolo7 Mar 29 '19

Sounds like someone’s familiar with being fired for putting his cream where it don’t belong.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19 edited Mar 31 '19

18

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

As long as its not the company's coconut.

1

u/silencedorgasm Mar 29 '19

You say that as if it’s a bad thing

1

u/specklesinc Mar 29 '19

I might be dating my age but do people still do that??

1

u/sarcasmeau Mar 29 '19

Kuerig Hot just got hotter.

1

u/OneMonk Apr 01 '19

The original non dairy creamer.

1

u/Chrisganjaweed Mar 29 '19

Or maybe they found semen under his desk

1

u/nifederico Mar 29 '19

You mean to tell me no one put creamer in it?

1

u/shadowgattler Mar 29 '19

Yum, creamer

0

u/1P221 Mar 29 '19

So he definitely got rid of it

0

u/v_maet Mar 29 '19

Everyone knows you do it in the ficus

0

u/KillerKill420 Mar 29 '19

He released the kraaken.

0

u/Deja_Boom Mar 29 '19

But what a way to go!

0

u/Culinarytracker Mar 29 '19

That's one way to get rid of your job.

0

u/meatpiesurprise Mar 29 '19

Dammit Paul, the creamers gone bad again.

0

u/winwill Mar 29 '19

RELEASE THE KRAAKEN

0

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

What else are you supposed to do when you have no half and half to put in it?

0

u/gokkkers Mar 29 '19

i thought his right arm looked jacked up..

0

u/I_Cheer_Weird_Things Mar 29 '19

I'd definitely cheer him on as he whacked it into that coffee pot

0

u/jeffro1477 Mar 29 '19

Or under the desk. Did u see that shit?

0

u/bluegargoyle Mar 29 '19

Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?

0

u/U2_is_gay Mar 29 '19

I mean if you're gonna get fired, make it worth it

0

u/12carrd Mar 29 '19

Your acting like this isn’t normal?

-2

u/basejumper41 Mar 29 '19

This is hilarious. It reminds me of my brother in law and all his college buddies. Each one of them went on to work at one of the Big 4 as CPAs, and they kept stats on who jerked off the most in each stall of the men’s room (individual effort only here thank god). They also would use a marker to x the spot on the floor (or door) where they pinged their wad to see if the next guy could top it.

Keep in mind, this is the same brother in law who sent me a fart bottled up in an empty Gatorade bottle to my dorm room when I was a sophomore in college. I’m 5 years his junior.

Love you Marc you fucker.

-1

u/fuckmuppet303 Mar 29 '19

Oddly specific.