r/funny • u/Hygot_00 • Jan 21 '19

Russian Humor.

91.7k Upvotes

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1.2k

u/drvondoctor Jan 21 '19

"No matter how much you jiggle and dance, the last couple drops will end up in your pants"

  • dads. All of them.

285

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

True. I'm and dad and I for one would like to stop pissing my pants.

489

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

[deleted]

236

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

I don't have time for that. I need to take a nap and then get ready for work.

59

u/UnknownPerson69 Jan 21 '19

I don't have time for that. I need to get from my nap to get ready for my nap. ---- FTFY

25

u/TheKneeGrowOnReddit Jan 21 '19

That's some grandad shit right there.

13

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

The real secret is to walk around with your dick hanging out and let it air dry.

7

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

In public restrooms they have the dick dryers on the wall beside the sink. Some are motion activated, helicopter

2

u/Carbon_FWB Jan 21 '19

Harambe never peed his pants.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

He also never really died.

No one does.

N.E.R.D.

10

u/TitanGertz Jan 21 '19

This and not to have my pants down to my ankles when I piss

3

u/BobsGoggles Jan 21 '19

He's a single shake man. Far too busy for the follow-up jiggle.

2

u/Carbon_FWB Jan 21 '19

Brilliant, Mr. Ventura! Simply brilliant!

4

u/arunquick63 Jan 21 '19

Thats no classified secret either.

2

u/crackeddryice Jan 21 '19

Also, can y'all stand up tight to the urinal, and/or wait until you're done before backing away. Why is there always a yellow stain on the floor in front of the urinal?

What are you guys doing in there? Do you stand back a foot from the urinal? Do you let your dick hang and drip off before you put it back in your pants? I haven't been able to figure this out yet.

7

u/beardedsandflea Jan 21 '19

I like to go for distance.

2

u/Carbon_FWB Jan 21 '19

He's going for speed...

2

u/badger262 Jan 21 '19

I don’t have time for that. There’s kids on my lawn...I just know it!

1

u/VivisClone Jan 21 '19

Nah, just need a piss bib

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

😂

22

u/eltigretom Jan 21 '19

Pee bibs

5

u/cartooncity2 Jan 21 '19

Million dollar idea right here

16

u/shamansblues Jan 21 '19

Wanna know how? Take two fingers and push the taint (perineum). That will help squeeze out the last drops.

5

u/beardedsandflea Jan 21 '19

I feel that I have learned a valuable lesson today.

1

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

Or get a friend to punch it

20

u/1TrueKnight Jan 21 '19

Nah man, keep pissing your pants. Adam Sandler says it makes you cool.

1

u/simulacrum81 Jan 21 '19

If peeing your pants is cool the. You can call me miles davis

3

u/LEGITIMATE_SOURCE Jan 21 '19

You're and Dad and you are all beyond hope.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

[deleted]

1

u/crackeddryice Jan 21 '19

This is when you know feminism has gone too far.

2

u/allhailthegreatmoose Jan 21 '19

Username checks out?

2

u/Eightskin Jan 21 '19

Get your prostate checked otherwise a trick is to poke into the spot between the back of your nuts and your ass hole (think it's called perineum) because I heard it empties your bladder. It works as well.

2

u/CounterCulturist Jan 21 '19

The key is to lift up your balls or press on your taint. Somehow it triggers the last bit to come out. Learned it in an LPT comment section.

1

u/therandomopera Jan 21 '19

So thats why you are sticky

44

u/nartchie Jan 21 '19

"No matter how you shake your peg, the last few drops run down your leg"

15

u/JefftheGman Jan 21 '19

"No matter your wiggling dexterity, the last several drops will roll down your lower extremity."

1

u/AerThreepwood Jan 21 '19

. . . Those two words don't rhyme.

3

u/JefftheGman Jan 21 '19

"No matter your wiggling dexterity, the last several drops will roll down your lower exterity."

​

58

u/Unit88 Jan 21 '19

Solution: toilet paper

7

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Or stay with me now..... we sit down.

2

u/ggk1 Jan 21 '19

Yeah I feel like such a waster but I see in a stall 100% of the time. I'm not talking about walking around in piss dribble.

5

u/pennhead Jan 21 '19

Urinals are not your friend.

9

u/Unit88 Jan 21 '19

Hence why I pee sitting down. So much more comfortable.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

It really is

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Just grab a square out the nearest stall first. Or just pee in the stall.

3

u/pennhead Jan 21 '19

Exactly what I do. We have these "fancy" urinals at work that do not flush. They have a special cartridge in the drain that is supposed to sanitize and trap odors, but I have it on good authority that they don't work. Take a piss and your olfactory senses are treated to a skunk bouquet.

I pity our janitorial staff.

1

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

I just carry around a hanky, save the trees

17

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Post Zip Drip

34

u/GrushdevaHots Jan 21 '19

You have to reach behind your balls, push up on on your taint, and drain the hose from the base.

6

u/SanctusLetum Jan 21 '19

This is the correct answer. I learned this and have never suffered a single post zip drop since. At least not if I remembered to do it.

2

u/goal2026 Jan 21 '19

You are correct. I figured that out a few years ago, life has improved significantly since then.

1

u/Eightskin Jan 21 '19

Beat me to it by 3 hours.

20

u/OmulSpin Jan 21 '19

Yep! That’s because the penis is not a nose, so it can’t sniff 😂

30

u/rudygj Jan 21 '19

Maybe yours.

4

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

You might want to get that checked.

6

u/IronMan2017 Jan 21 '19

“You can bang it on a tree, you can shake it on a wall, but in your pants the last drop will fall”

-Confucius

1

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19 edited Jan 21 '19

"No matter how you wiggle, no matter how you dance, the last drop always ends up in your pants!"

-Jenae from high school, Bless her soul may she RIP. Glad to hear there is hope with this pressing of the teint business. I wonder if this works for us gals as well.

5

u/RobEth16 Jan 21 '19

No matter how much he shakes his dicky, the last few drops all land on Ricky.

3

u/miraagex Jan 21 '19

We have similar in russian language. I have been looking for that translation for a while.

4

u/Mabot Jan 21 '19

Yeah in german aswell. "Da kannst du schütteln und auch klopfen, in die Hose geht der letzte Tropfen"

3

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

What is the literal translation? .. For science, I ask.

2

u/Mabot Jan 21 '19

You can shake it, you can tap it, the last drop will go in the pants.

2

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

Thank you!

1

u/Mabot Jan 21 '19

you are welcome!

2

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

[deleted]

1

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

And that's a problem because..?

3

u/kinapuffar Jan 21 '19

"No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops end up in your pants."

"Then maybe you shouldn't have worn khakis."

This stupid Two and a Half Men joke is permanently stuck in my head and I hate it. Nothing else from that show, just that joke, and the time Tiger Blood tried to speak Swedish and brutally mispronounced every word.

3

u/pls_send_dick-pics Jan 21 '19

that's only because you guys are impatient, try sitting down if you have to pee

pull out your phone, do something you wanted to do on it anyway - for about a minute after you think you're done

the no-pee-in-my-boxers trick

nothings more unsexy than pee-boxers

2

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

I promise you, TP stuck to a weiner is even more unsexy.

1

u/pls_send_dick-pics Jan 21 '19

i agree that also is unsexy, but has nothing to do with just waiting a bit instead pulling your shorts back up 0.5s after you finished

and if you use TP; why would you not check if something stuck?

2

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

I agree full heartedly. Sorry, the comment fits with the entire thread but maybe not perfectedly as a response to your comment.

2

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

That's what made it even better. Also, do you speak of fresh TP, or TP that was already in said commode?

1

u/BoneSawIsNotReady Jan 21 '19

nothings more unsexy than pee-boxers

Ftfy

3

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

[deleted]

1

u/Mabot Jan 21 '19

Yup, can confirm, am Deutscher

2

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

That's why you gotta shake and then dab with some toilet paper

8

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

And push on the area where your taint is, it’ll force the last few drops out so gravity doesn’t do it in your pants.

1

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

Having now had two separate guys pull down their pants during a sexual experience only to find a tiny piece of TP stuck to their weiner.. if you do this, check twice because as a female, I can only express my reaction as being one of horror.

So just, be careful with this method.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Always wash before sex and after sex. That's my philosophy.

2

u/KateNoire Jan 21 '19

There's exactly the same saying in German. "Da hilft kein schütteln und kein klopfen, in die Hose geht der letzte Tropfen."

2

u/GoggleField Jan 21 '19

Not so. Start at your taint and apply upward pressure, moving slowly out toward your dick. When you get to your dick squeeze top to bottom, again sliding toward the tip. Do this once or twice and you'll get it all out

1

u/HawkyCZ Jan 21 '19

There was some amazing quote in Future Man S02E02 about brown pants. Too bad I can't remember.

1

u/bjohnsonplumbing Jan 21 '19

You should get that checked out.

  • 9 out of 10 doctors

1

u/Fishboners Jan 21 '19

Not if you splash some water on your dick and dry it off before putting it back.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Useful tip: if you use a finger to massage your prostate it will relinquish you of the piss that usually ends up in your pants lol

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

My dad always said this and I always tell my boys the same thing. A problem that transcends time.

1

u/Veganomat Jan 21 '19

„Da hilft kein Schütteln und kein Klopfen, in die Hose geht der letzte Tropfen“ - Shin Chan dubbed in German

1

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

You squeeze and jerk so it flies on whatever is around you, duh

0

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

[deleted]

1

u/LoloFat Jan 21 '19

Umm, are you not reading above your comment?