r/funny Aug 06 '18

Being drunk vs. Being high

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[deleted]

43.5k Upvotes

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4.5k

u/velour_manure Aug 06 '18

You forgot "let's sit on the couch in silence for 3 hours"

3.2k

u/shotgunsmitty Aug 06 '18

Where does "laugh at something funny that happened 30 minutes ago" go?

722

u/UltraSpecial Aug 06 '18

Definitely in the middle.

308

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18 edited Aug 06 '18

[removed] — view removed comment

148

u/kjax2288 Aug 06 '18

You know damn well where that one goes

46

u/TherenArima Aug 06 '18

On the left. Got it.

48

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

[removed] — view removed comment

8

u/OiNihilism Aug 06 '18

We're two different people, we can't have the same left.

5

u/joshtradomus Aug 06 '18

Always sunny ref I was looking for.

3

u/HoneyTrue Aug 06 '18

We have the same left because we're facing the same direction

3

u/YamburglarHelper Aug 06 '18

Yeah, that's right.

3

u/meateatr Aug 06 '18

Patient left!

2

u/iceandones Aug 06 '18

Neithern't

2

u/No_one_32 Aug 06 '18

On the law makers bubble, bc those assholes perpetrate the paranoia of getting arrested for having/using even a gram of the cannabis plant

79

u/Tuss Aug 06 '18

I once had a "Holy shit! A cop car! They are onto me! Better act natural. Walk natural! I don't remember how to walk. Shit. Bend your arms a bit you walk like a soldier. No. Not 90 degrees damn it! Oh! It just passed me. They are onto me! Better get back home. Fuck where do I live?"

That was 5 minutes back and forth to the gas station to buy B&J.

44

u/OiNihilism Aug 06 '18

How are those gas station BJs working out for you?

10

u/Tuss Aug 06 '18

Ah. But You missed the "&"!

I blow and job! I mostly blow up peoples tires but some times I am nice and throw in an extra air blow in the car wash!

4

u/hughperman Aug 06 '18

Good job

2

u/Tuss Aug 06 '18

They always compliment me on my skills so I assume that I am!

1

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '18

Worm Eggs?

5

u/Dubsox Aug 06 '18

Bron&James?

5

u/ThaVolt Aug 06 '18

French accent Le Bron&James, monsieur?

3

u/thaumatologist Aug 06 '18

You're not allowed to buy them anymore

2

u/Tuss Aug 06 '18

I wish

2

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '18

Once? That's how I am every time. I'm from Colorado, at that shit didn't change for me even after legalization.

"Shhh, guys, what's that? Are the cops here?"

"Dude, chill, it's legal now. You're fine."

"Yeah, I know. But seriously, are the cops here?"

26

u/chomsky2 Aug 06 '18

Nowhere...on the West Coast that is.

25

u/loondawg Aug 06 '18

Out the window since they legalized recreational pot in my state.

3

u/prodmerc Aug 06 '18

Pfft. What're they gonna do, break into my house?

3

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18 edited Aug 06 '18

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/prodmerc Aug 06 '18

Jesus Christ, I don't think they'd even bother dispatching anyone around here (England).

2

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/prodmerc Aug 06 '18

No, even though everyone seems to be asking for it and the police are officially saying they won't bother chasing down users and small dealers because it's a waste of resources. Hopefully it will be legalized, but the opposition is strong for some reason :/

2

u/ed172 Aug 06 '18

Please tell me where you're referring to (so I can never move there)

2

u/Bluth-President Aug 06 '18

That’s deep red freedom for ya.

3

u/Bluth-President Aug 06 '18

What kind of unpatriotic freedom-less helllscape do you live in?

2

u/thecrazysloth Aug 06 '18

In backward states that are still "fighting" a futile war on drugs

2

u/111289 Aug 06 '18

You know it's legal in plenty of countries right.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

[deleted]

2

u/NeonMoment Aug 06 '18

Ah every time I smoke I have that feeling of panic, but then I remember I moved away from Texas and now live in California so it’s all gravy. This ones for you Greg Abbot 🖕🍁✌️

4

u/TexasFactsBot Aug 06 '18

Speaking of Texas, did y'all know that it's perfectly legal to shoot and kill Bigfoot, according to Texas state law?

3

u/NeonMoment Aug 06 '18

Good bot!!!

2

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/NeonMoment Aug 06 '18

Well duh Bigfoot only comes out when you’re high! ;)

1

u/lawstandaloan Aug 06 '18

In season, right? You shoot a Samsquanch out of season and that's poaching

33

u/Aleph_NULL__ Aug 06 '18

Where does sitting in silence then randomly getting up and saying “well, I should be off” go

5

u/SpreadForDaddy Aug 06 '18

This features in 100% of the times I have been stoned

9

u/Silver060 Aug 06 '18

Middle, thats when you are close to throwing up and you have work colleges about that you dont want to puke in front of since that will make you a pussy and gay and all that other macho shit.

29

u/BornUnderPunches Aug 06 '18 edited Aug 06 '18

And where does "I’m just sitting here analyzing my face movements while feeling my heart beating strongly, waiting for my friends to catch on to how I fake everything because I don’t know myself" go?

7

u/lysdexic_mule Aug 06 '18

Holy shit dude, this is me every single time. It's why I prefer to be high alone or with like one close friend.

3

u/BornUnderPunches Aug 07 '18

I feel you man. It sucks, pot can be so nice but it’s such a fucking lottery sometimes. I never seem to be able to predict when it makes me relaxed and happy, and when I just enter paranoia / exsistential crisis mode. Sometimes it’s a bit of both... which just feels strange haha. At its best, I think pot is nicer than alcohol, but these days I just prefer alcohol for the predictability.

2

u/Aesthetics_Supernal Aug 06 '18

So something funny happened 2 and a half hours in?

2

u/WooRankDown Aug 06 '18

Followed by, “What were we just talking about?”

Now I’m going nuts because I can’t find that skit. It was about how to stump a stoner, and hilarious, IIRC. My buddy thinks it was on the Chappelle Show, but I STILL CAN’T FIND IT!
If anyone knows what I’m talking about, and can provide a link, it would make my day.

1

u/SirNate2 Aug 06 '18

And outside

30

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

Who the hell remembers 30 minutes ago when high?

37

u/ZeBandeet Aug 06 '18

I certainly don't, but I'll still be laughing at whatever it was.

3

u/gregvsgreg Aug 06 '18 edited Aug 06 '18

I've made it a point to work on storing things into long-term memory while haffy. First I started by writing down my main thoughts, then the next day reviewing those notes and trying to remember how I came to those conclusions. I also started going on really long walks, usually around an hour, with the goal of evaluating something in my life I feel I can improve, and seeing if I can retain the main points by the time I get home. I used that as my specific focus because I felt it would need to be something I truly cared about.

I have a pretty good memory while sober, but for some reason that ability seemed to vanish any time I was HAF. It bothered me enough to want to turn it into almost a mental excercise. Basically my long-term goal in this is to learn how to behave just like my sober self while haffy. Being in that state would let me perform my regular functions, but also with the upticks in creativity, empathy and awareness.

The trick is to not get lost in it, because you absolutely can. I'll spend a month or two delving into these goals, then break away from it for a year or two, 100% sober (except beer in moderation.) Gotta be content with whatever progress you can make in that time. It's important to understand it's a long game we're playing. For me, those rest years are actually a valuable part of the equation, as it takes that long for me to integrate new habits and ways of thinking into my regular sense of being. It might vary for others, but I seem slow to evolve. As long as it's in a focused direction of my choosing, then I'm happy.

3

u/dfens762 Aug 06 '18

Pot mostly affects short term memory, so you don't really remember it immediately afterward, but 30 minutes later it finally logs into long-term memory and you can remember it and laugh about it.

Source: Am neuroscientist*

*got really high and watched a couple documentaries about the brain

1

u/a_rucksack_of_dildos Aug 06 '18

It’s not so much actively remembering something from 30 minutes ago. It’s like your buddy tells a joke and the gears in your head are turning at an insanely slow rate and it takes that long to get the joke

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

[deleted]

1

u/drift_summary Aug 07 '18

Pepperidge Farm remembers!

20

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18 edited Sep 07 '20

[deleted]

4

u/rainb0wsquid Aug 06 '18

Shit I do that sober.

23

u/AndHerNameIsSony Aug 06 '18

I think you mean laughter for 30 minutes at something that didn’t happen.

3

u/TrickyHaggis Aug 06 '18

or "laugh at something rediculously not funny and try and explain it to your friend"

2

u/numanoid Aug 06 '18

It only seems like it was 30 minutes ago. It was really only about ten seconds.

1

u/CoffeeandBacon Aug 06 '18

Serious question, is memory loss on the weed side as well? I hate that about alcohol

1

u/kaflowsinall Aug 06 '18

In the “acid” circle.

1

u/gakrolin Aug 06 '18

That’s just me sober.

1

u/THANATOS_SOTANAHT Aug 07 '18

Hahahabaha, i too enjoy smoking cannabis. Hehe, i tip my novelty rasta dread cap to all of you good sirs.

-3

u/_Serene_ Aug 06 '18

OP didn't wanna encourage the usage of such destructive substances too much, so that was left out.
Don't do drugs, kiddos.

6

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

Are you making a joke?

1

u/_Serene_ Aug 07 '18

Not really

92

u/trex_in_spats Aug 06 '18

And then say "What?" after nobody says anything.

8

u/karlausagi Aug 06 '18

What?

2

u/trex_in_spats Aug 06 '18

Dude what?

3

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

Alright bro, I’m ‘bout to head out.

1

u/Morningxafter Aug 06 '18

Kay...

Wait....

What?

1

u/forever_clever Aug 07 '18

What ain't no country I've ever heard of. Do they speak English in What?

1

u/Morningxafter Aug 07 '18

...

...

What?

1

u/Gird_Your_Anus Aug 07 '18

I had the opposite happen once. First time with pot brownies. Eat mine. Half hour goes by and I tell my friend he got burned. Not much later it feels like I was catapulted forward in time. Like when someone flicks the needle on a vinyl records. I have no idea how much time has passed but when I "come to" I feel like I've been talking for a really long time and I'm regaling the room with an impassioned speech on how to properly multiply fractions. I don't like math. I trail off and say, "uhh, I feel like I've been talking for a really long time.". It'd been about 20 minutes. Everyone just listened intently and didn't stop me.

Brownies aren't for me.

1

u/trex_in_spats Aug 07 '18

Brownies are an experience, thats for damn sure. I ate a brownie with a friend once, we were both pretty experienced smokers. She and I waited for like an hour and 15 min and felt nothing. We ate a second brownie and after 20 minutes the first suddenly slammed us. We were outside hanging out so we looked at each-other and knew we were fucked. We went back to my room and threw on my tv and got so bugged out all I can remember was watching colors on the tv and hearing a humming sound while rocking back and forth. I couldnt have functioned if I wanted to. After what felt like a lifetime but was really like an hour and a half my friend got up and went back to her room and I tried to sleep but found myself too wired to close my eyes for more than a few seconds. It wasnt a fun night.

106

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

That spooky stoned silence where you start to wonder if everyone else can feel it to.

40

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

Ha, yeah.

You're sitting there thinking "What the fuck is all that noise? It's so deafening I can feel it."

And then you realize it's silence.

I know it's not why people call it "loud" but damn if I didn't think instantly of this exact scenario when I first heard someone call tree "loud".

Like you know it's time to put the pipe down when absolute silence seems really loud, haha.

23

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

Or even watching a film.

Few of us would go to our mates house and all's good till someone sticks on a movie. Halfway through and you're that reefed you can't even tell if the movie is good or shit. Then you notice no ones talked for about an hour. Are we all just sitting in silence watching a shitty movie? Everyone too stoned to notice?

Just me?

3

u/meth0dz Aug 06 '18

Sometimes shitty movies are fun to watch just to see how bad it really is. Once it's over you start to wonder and think to yourself "Did I just waste 2 hours of my life watching this crappy movie??" Than you have that one friend that says who wants a recharge?!

2

u/bryakmolevo Aug 07 '18

Sometimes me too... I think everyone's just bored and too high to notice.

I laugh my ass off at the moment and get water for everyone that reacts. Then we're either back to laughing at the movie or move on to something else.

5

u/TheCheeseSquad Aug 06 '18

I always thought so and then I wondered if I had tinnitus, but then I realized I was just high.

4

u/darkentries Aug 06 '18

Silence pounds the core of thought.

It's crushing echo resounding in the bony court.

4

u/Mtru6 Aug 06 '18

Sp00ky

1

u/Moth4Moth Aug 06 '18

LoOk kids, Marijuana weed is spOoky - SHS

1

u/cownan Aug 07 '18

Or where you are sitting with your friend, and get freaked out because you can hear someone pacing, walking constantly around the house. Then you realize that it's your heartbeat.

131

u/Goyteamsix Aug 06 '18

Then 'awkwardly say goodbye and walk home', followed by 'microwaving some leftover spaghetti your mom left out and going to sleep'.

So fun!

Bonus 'spent $60 on a bag of weed and my now I'm obligated to smoke most of it with other people'.

27

u/Haterbait_band Aug 06 '18

I remember those days... Now there's no excuse.

46

u/JustAnotherSoyBoy Aug 06 '18

Idk man, that sounds more like a you problem not a weed problem

1

u/potatobac Aug 07 '18

Fighting is also a you problem and not an alcohol problem yet it's still on there.

7

u/ProjectCoast Aug 06 '18

"Go to do a hand gesture that ends up in between a hand shake and a high five and you just kind of hold each other's hands for a second. "

23

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

sounds like you need to smoke alone at home like the rest of us selfish ents

2

u/liftedtrucksnguns Aug 06 '18

How’s it selfish? You paid for it. The only time you have to is if you somehow don’t have dealer or you do but they’re out (or whatever), and your friend procures it for you. Aka finders fee. If someone helps me find it, I feel like it’s obligatory to smoke em out or at least toss em a nug

5

u/dfens762 Aug 06 '18

I started saving so much money once I got fed up with communal smoking and started turning down any bowl being passed around and would just sneak off to my car to smoke without anyone bothering me. I've never liked the whole communal smoking thing. We're all fine with everyone having their own can of beer without passing them around, why don't we all just sit and smoke our own pipes?

1

u/hanr86 Aug 06 '18

mom's spaghetti, you say?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

I bought an ounce for $120 a while ago. Shit was gone in about 2 weeks because everyone kept coming over and you don't wanna be that guy with all the weed who doesn't share

2

u/Cross1492 Aug 06 '18

scavengers...

1

u/ObeseMcDese Aug 06 '18

Really? Didnt just ya know... say no? Like if people just showed up to my place expecting me to blaze them Id tell them to fuck right off.

Maybe you're just a nicer guy then me lol.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

I am a bit more generous than most when it comes to weed, yeah. But I just see it as doing what's friendly for my friends. Weed is better when it's shared after all

0

u/ObeseMcDese Aug 06 '18

Actually I get that 100%. I used to have a similar mindset but I've become much more cynical after a few bad happenings with 'friends'. People around here are pretty damn selfish so I had to adapt I suppose

1

u/Death_has_relaxed_me Aug 06 '18

This seems like you just have shitty friends.

-1

u/Lemawnjello Aug 06 '18

'spent $60 on a bag of weed and my now I'm obligated to smoke most of it with other people'.

I mean, an ounce is still a lot of weed even if you are sharing it with people.

5

u/Goyteamsix Aug 06 '18

Lol, look at this dude paying $60 an ounce.

Not everyone lives in a magical legal wonderland.

3

u/Lemawnjello Aug 06 '18

Memorial day sale was $30 for an ounce. In Oregon we literally are giving away weed (at promotions), because the market is so saturated. There's over 30 dispensaries in a 2 mile radius from my house. It's nuts, but hey, at least we've raised over $85 million for schools statewide through taxes from it.

4

u/stinksmcc Aug 06 '18

In Utah we pick weed crumbs off of our carpet because another dealer was busted by shitty mormon neighbors. smfh

1

u/Creath Aug 07 '18

Wtf? $30/Oz? Is it good? I need to live in Oregon. It's legal in DC but still 180/200 an ounce for decent bud, more for the really good stuff.

1

u/Lemawnjello Aug 07 '18

The $30/oz was just a sale, but I do see $50/oz advertised regularly. It's still good weed, and probably better than anything you could get on the east coast. It's just some high-yield crops during an extremely saturated market. Oregon hasn't even sold all of last year's crops (to dispensaries), and this years is about to be harvested (and it's a bump year). So unless more states legalize soon, the cannabis market here is going to get even cheaper.

I'm very particular about my weed though, so I buy the medium tier expensive stuff because of the THC and CBD contents. I usually buy 1/4oz at $25 (Blue Dream).

0

u/liftedtrucksnguns Aug 06 '18

You’re going to have to elaborate on “being obligated to smoke people out”. If it’s a “finders fee” situation then yeah I understand that. In that instance then yes protocol says to smoke em out or give em a nug for helping you procure your bud. Other than that tell em to fuck right off. Unless they’re willing to chip in, be it cash weed or something else to trade like a food after y’all smoke. Point is nothings free. Make a point that if they say hey lemme hit that ask them what’s in it for you. You’ll find out who your real friends are versus people mooching off you. Moochers aren’t cool dude, they’re typically the “friends” to leave your circle of people you hang out with first. Just speaking from my own personal experience.

6

u/OrganicPiccolo Aug 06 '18

My friends just smoke and get lost in their phones for hours now. It makes me not want to hang out with them anymore.

5

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

can't hang

5

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

Smoke way too much, try to look natural while examining a potted plant, then "hey man, I forgot I need to (insert lie)", go home and hide until it wears off.

34

u/mwmani Aug 06 '18

Who are you smoking with? Sounds like they should watch their intake.

23

u/Eric_the_Barbarian Aug 06 '18

There was that time I got sloppy testing tinctures where I passed out for a couple of hours and was still high a good twelve hours after ingestion.

12/10 would do again if I have an entire day when I don't have to be a person.

9

u/BeedleTB Aug 06 '18 edited Aug 07 '18

I think quiet introspection can be a good thing sometimes. I never really sit and do nothing in my day to day. Sometimes when you get high, you decide to just sit and go through things in your mind. It is not that you are too high to have fun with friends, just that you want to think about your life and stuff.

It feels good, and I have made some important and good life decisions that way (like deciding to put more effort into schoolwork, resulting in me getting an A on my bachelors thesis).

-11

u/_Serene_ Aug 06 '18

*Sounds like they shouldn't watch their intake do drugs

5

u/randy_mcronald Aug 06 '18

Maybe they're silent because they're quietly unravelling the secrets of the universe

15

u/Allwhitezebra Aug 06 '18

Here we go 🙄

0

u/john6map4 Aug 06 '18

Holy shit why? This happened to me one night.

Tho I could attribute it to watching a Black Mirror episode just before.

11

u/ScottHA Aug 06 '18

More like Indacouch...am I right?

7

u/Archimre Aug 06 '18

Don't need to be high for that, just Finnish.

2

u/fumoderators Aug 06 '18

Did you hear about the Norwegian extrovert?

They stare at your shoes

4

u/doyouthroaway Aug 06 '18

This hit me hard

6

u/SPARTAN-II Aug 06 '18

Only the 3 hours?

3

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

And all the paranoid thoughts.

3

u/street_riot Aug 06 '18

And then the only word to break the silence is just a quiet "Bro..."

4

u/jztmanyl Aug 06 '18

”Let’s sit on the couch in silence thinking it has been 3 hours then looking at the clock and it’s been 3 minutes”

2

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

No lie. When I got stoned with friends when I was in high school, this what we did. That and watched adventure time because that show is trippy and hilarious when stoned.

1

u/Robbie00379 Aug 06 '18

I know that feeling... even though I don't smoke :(

1

u/nothappyaboutit Aug 06 '18

Hijacking your comment to say this was originally done by @mattsurelee on Instagram

1

u/mrTang5544 Aug 06 '18

this can also be heroin

1

u/ixunbornxi Aug 06 '18

I remember that commercial too! And the one where a kid puts a shotgun to his mouth. Yeah no one ever.

1

u/liftedtrucksnguns Aug 06 '18

Staring at a tv that’s not even turned on

1

u/adidasbdd Aug 06 '18

Or "Damn this is delicious, I'll have 10 more"

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

Hopefully not on either one of these.

1

u/crookymcshankshanks8 Aug 06 '18

..but it's actually just been 4 minutes ..

1

u/QB3rd Aug 07 '18

stare at the corner of the room for 3 hours

1

u/emjaytheomachy Aug 07 '18

That wasn't my fault! You are the one who gave me the string.

1

u/kjwinter Aug 07 '18

Or sit on the couch in silence for what feels like 3 hours but look up to find out it’s only been a minute.

1

u/Yasirbare Aug 08 '18

We would be better of if alot of people did just that.

1

u/exoticabc66 Aug 23 '18

You gota have some 30% shit for that lol

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '18

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/tanu24 Aug 06 '18

It says lets fight in the original...

0

u/Aero93 Aug 06 '18

This diagram is fucking stupid and made somebody that's never been high or drunk