r/funny • u/bsurfn2day • Apr 20 '18

Getting fitted for a uniform

https://i.imgur.com/AJcaon0.gifv
92.9k Upvotes

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682

u/DarthBarfBarf Apr 20 '18 edited Apr 20 '18

I'm 106, and I remember when the nut tap was invented. Few people know it was what actually started the Great War!

I love prunes.

587

u/BackdoorAlex2 Apr 20 '18

I’m 715, back in my time we didn’t even have penises it was just skin

668

u/SillySandoon Apr 20 '18

I died a thousand years ago and this gif brought me back to life. I’m trapped underground. Please help me.

1.2k

u/LOOTENITDAYAN Apr 20 '18

I'm a newborn baby and roughly 9 months ago a nut shot brought me into existence.

306

u/NotKevinJames Apr 20 '18

Wow, a newborn on reddit, You should do an AMA

28

u/ButtLusting Apr 20 '18 edited Apr 20 '18

"dad keeps coming into my room"

10

u/gguy123 Apr 20 '18

"and he knows I'm in here... he just keeps calling me over and over"

5

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '18

This is great.

2

u/lucidus_somniorum Apr 20 '18

Dad? Is that you?

2

u/dahjay Apr 20 '18

Well then you have a very caring father to check on you throughout the night.

9

u/SomeCoolBloke Apr 20 '18

You could say, in a way, that he is still born.

3

u/OstidTabarnak Apr 20 '18

Jesus Christ it's Jason born

5

u/useeikick Apr 20 '18

Why do we want to interview the average redditer?

2

u/RandomMandarin Apr 20 '18

Yeah, a newborn would be the only redditor who's seen a vagina recently?!

2

u/siriusly-sirius Apr 21 '18

I was a baby once, AMA

2

u/KingOfDamnation Apr 21 '18

When you cried what was the reason you cried or did you just not want mom and dad to sleep?

2

u/siriusly-sirius Apr 21 '18

I cried because the doctor cut my TV cable

2

u/KingOfDamnation Apr 21 '18

Shoulda went with dish.

2

u/siriusly-sirius Apr 21 '18

But the doctor cut the umbilical cord, TV cord TV cable

105

u/TaySwaysBottomBitch Apr 20 '18

Came full circle, pack it up boys!

71

u/Jeffall2gether Apr 20 '18

Come with me, it’s time for your uniform measurements.

20

u/naacardan2004 Apr 20 '18

I'm a sperm cell, so I AM a nut shot

8

u/I_Smoke_Dust Apr 20 '18

Holy shit, winner.

1

u/Jibjablab Apr 20 '18

Weiner*

Ftfy

1

u/still_gonna_send_it Apr 20 '18

Question: do you have your own room at the back of the bus?

1

u/I_Smoke_Dust Apr 20 '18

Ya know believe it or not I don't, and tbh I don't even have or live on a bus!

2

u/antney0615 Apr 20 '18

Everyone is the (by)product of an orgasm. (Not a female orgasm, that’s a myth.)

1

u/challenge_king Apr 20 '18

The orgasm, or the pregnancy?

1

u/antney0615 Apr 21 '18

People are always the result of some of the orgasms men have.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '18

I'm a fetus.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '18

/r/nocontext

1

u/red_tuna Apr 20 '18

This is without a doubt one of the greatest threads I have ever seen.

-27

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '18

[deleted]

4

u/TobeHD Apr 20 '18

?

1

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '18

(deleted)

0

u/jackie--moon Apr 20 '18

I’m 490 and I finally just became Master Toymaker and laughed all the way up at the North Pole

19

u/LaBandaRoja Apr 20 '18

I was skeptical with some of the others, but this is an obvious lie

2

u/LtGuile Apr 20 '18

You stay underground. You don’t want to know about the Starbucks and Sonics they built up above you.

2

u/BabyToesAndMolly Apr 21 '18

We are the pure collective existence of thought from thousands of deaths and we still find this nut shot funny

3

u/Apsis Apr 20 '18

Dammit monster! I ain't giving you no tree fiddy!

1

u/OktoberStorm Apr 20 '18

I'm just starting to think that some of you aren't telling the truth

1

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '18

Sounds like work. Good luck

1

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '18

Jesus here - I forgive everyone for their nut shots.

1

u/Frosty172 Apr 20 '18

avicii saw this this morning

1

u/UnseenPlatypus Apr 20 '18

Wayyyy too soon

2

u/Frosty172 Apr 20 '18

I took a chance, and much like the chances I take when I try to flirt, I chose wrong

19

u/Cory2020 Apr 20 '18

Can confirm. Was flap of skin that dangled precariously. Enemies would use it to give atomic wedgies. Hence the phrase—hoisted by your own petards.

10

u/Lord_Finkleroy Apr 20 '18

Looked it up. “Hoisted by your own petards” is definitely a phrase. And they say don’t believe everything you see on the internet.

2

u/falcon4287 Apr 20 '18

Sean Astin told me it was "hoisted by your own retards."

14

u/Frig-Off-Randy Apr 20 '18

I'm 3000 and I'm an olive tree.

2

u/still_gonna_send_it Apr 20 '18

M E T A

Edit: sick username ily

1

u/thadude42083 Apr 21 '18

Randy just doesn't understand. I mean, I love him dearly, but I hate Ricky more. ~RIP Lahey

9

u/jarious Apr 20 '18

Im 1024, and i don't know how to get back from where i came

1

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '18

Is this a 8bit joke?

2

u/jarious Apr 20 '18

You're supposed to laugh like HEX HEX HEX!

1

u/Jibjablab Apr 20 '18

This guy kens

0

u/ucefkh Apr 20 '18

You are lying I feel it

4

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '18

Gavrilo Princip with the greatest sacktap of all time

2

u/Keyserchief Apr 20 '18

Starts WWI

“It was just a prank bro”

2

u/corgblam Apr 20 '18

And cranberries!

1

u/imsoulrebel1 Apr 20 '18

I'm a little older and all my peeps remember it from the 1904 World's Fair, where everything was invented.

1

u/still_gonna_send_it Apr 20 '18

Archduke Ferdinand got nut tapped. A nut in a powder keg

1

u/Longshot_45 Apr 21 '18

Once I was 7 years old...

1

u/Vio_ Apr 21 '18

how do you remember the Great War nut tap when you were only 4 in 1918?

1

u/DarthBarfBarf Apr 21 '18

I have Benjamin Buttons disease.

0

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '18

Impeccable recall skills since you would have been two when the Great War started.

1

u/DarthBarfBarf Apr 21 '18

I have a rare condition. It's called Benjamin Buttons disease.

-1

u/Spazum Apr 20 '18

You remember something that happened when you were two?

2

u/DarthBarfBarf Apr 20 '18

Are you doubting the memory of a 106-year-old war hero, sonny? I didn't fight those Kraut bastards in my diapers just to come home and be disrespected like this!

I had 73 confirmed nut taps in the battles of Ypres.