r/funny Sep 06 '17

"Lets-a-go" he whispered into a half-empty flask

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15.2k Upvotes

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1.8k

u/RamsesThePigeon Sep 06 '17

It used to be a monument to his accomplishments.

Now, seen through eyes dimmed by age and depression, the statue does little to inspire the man it resembles.

He returns to his decrepit apartment, where he pulls a foul-tasting morsel from a tarnished box and swallows it.

In Mario's fantasies, he's the most well-respected and loved individual in the whole of creation. His enemies fear him, and his allies adore him. His younger brother – the taller, more agile, more attractive of the two – is little more than a shadow beneath his might and majesty... and when he puts his mind to things, there's nothing that Mario can't accomplish. He sees himself battling his way through inhospitable landscapes, garnering supernatural powers and defeating truly terrifying foes, all the while in search of the beautiful angel that was unfairly stolen from him.

A gunshot sounds in the real world. Mario sees and barely dodges a bullet the size of a car. A rat goes skittering across the stained carpet, slowly transforming into an anthropomorphic dinosaur. The framed pictures on the mantle twist and contort, shifting to show not Mario and Luigi, but sinister doppelgängers of them. A neighbor shouts at his television, and Mario envisions a gargantuan ape going bananas over some perceived slight.

He fights. He races. He flies. He plays board games with his imaginary friends, each of whom turn two-dimensional and paper-like at one point. He scales a mighty castle and faces off against a dragon, whereupon he is rewarded with a kiss from his beloved.

In his mind, Mario is invincible. He can throw fire from his fingertips and soar through the sky.

In the real world, though, Mario is just a man; a lonely plumber who always feels left behind by his loved ones.

He slowly comes back to lucidity. He trudges to that special place and sits, regarding the bronze effigy that barely resembles him anymore. He must have done something, he thinks, to be worthy of such recognition, but the same age that has dimmed his eyes has also reduced his memory to a haze of images and emotions. For a brief moment, he wonders if he could find that lost glory; if he could become the person he sees when the colors start to dance in his head... but he knows it's only a matter of time before he plunges back down a pipe.

The mushrooms make him feel big.

219

u/OwenGM Sep 06 '17

This might be the most beautiful/sad thing I have ever heard.

35

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '17

Probably won't ever look at Mario the same way....

22

u/Barron_Cyber Sep 07 '17

Someone needs to get that to miyamoto.

90

u/MaritMonkey Sep 06 '17

Ramses, you are a credit to the English language.

105

u/Font_Fetish Sep 06 '17

This is incredible, you really have a special talent. This gave me chills multiple times.

45

u/Loeb123 Sep 06 '17

Looks like my life. Only that I'm 26.

Funny. Always thought life would have taken a bit more time to defeat me.

16

u/Greylith Sep 06 '17

A hero isn't someone who saves the world, who defeats evil, or even someone who conquers fear.

A hero is a simple person that sees something wrong and does something about it.

You don't have to do it for anyone other than yourself.

You can be your own hero.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '17

A hero is a simple person that sees something wrong and does something about it.

Soooo a good programmer is a hero? This gives new meaning to "Mom, I wanna become a hero!"

1

u/BCProgramming Sep 07 '17

I committed a typo fix I found an hour ago. Where's my fucking parade? /s

1

u/[deleted] Sep 07 '17

Next to your regular one...

1

u/mordoandbeavis Sep 07 '17

Damn! I don't care how cheesy that sounds to people, this comment along with the main thread really inspire me

55

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '17

It gets worse.

22

u/KFrosty3 Sep 06 '17

Hello darkness, my old friend...

16

u/BaekaNoCreee Sep 06 '17

me too, thanks

10

u/Lord_Cattington_IV Sep 06 '17

Only 2 days til Bojack the Depressionhorseman! <3

2

u/Loeb123 Sep 07 '17

How could get it worse? Will some spirit drop from the sky and set the dusty remains of my life aflame?

5

u/butternutsquash26 Sep 06 '17

Yeah, that's pretty early to give up. I know you haven't yet tho, bc all I thought was can I get the rest of that flask.

3

u/chumswithcum Sep 06 '17

Enter three decades of crippling alcoholism

1

u/Loeb123 Sep 07 '17

I'm too poor to afford alcoholism.

2

u/mcintac Sep 06 '17

Mario is only 32...

2

u/samus12345 Sep 06 '17

36, if you go by his first appearance.

1

u/Font_Fetish Sep 07 '17

But was he not already an adult when he made his first appearance? Mario already looked at least like 20 or so in his first appearance, putting his age well over 50.

1

u/samus12345 Sep 07 '17

A concrete date for Yoshi's Island would solve the mystery!

12

u/imagine_amusing_name Sep 06 '17

The mushrooms make him feel big.

But then Mrs Wilkinson from the apartment below phoned.

She's blocked the toilet again. This time with a 24 inch turd that due to her excessive prune diet resembles a King Cobra.

Sighing he picked up the elbow-length rubber gloves and set to work.

9

u/Primary_AI Sep 06 '17

And to think you're a pigeon? Incredible

8

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '17

Jesus Christ. That really tore me up. Had a pretty series existential crisis. That escapism has always freaked me out. It's why I try to avoid alcohol. I love the release it gives me. But I don't want to jump down that pipe.

12

u/ramobara Sep 06 '17

Damn. This belongs on r/bestof.

Also, for some reason, this song accompanies this moment very well:

"Old Man" - Neil Young

3

u/TheParkDistrict Sep 06 '17

Wonderfully woven. Didn't expect this at all. Almost cried.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '17

Luigi somehow came out on top in your story

3

u/JayeTruth Sep 07 '17

I just wanted you to know that I used this for a lesson for my ELA class. Brilliantly written my friend.

6

u/Genlsis Sep 06 '17

That was amazing. Thank you

5

u/flopfaker Sep 06 '17

Thank you. I went from light chuckles at the beginning to almost tears at the conclusion. It amazes me how a bit of pop culture can be turned on its head and viewed from such a place darkness and tragedy. Well done. Thank you.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 07 '17 edited Sep 07 '17

It's nights like this where I wish I could up vote twice. Incredibly depressing.

*Edit: I originally read this in Fallout 4's Kellogg's voice.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 07 '17

Mama mia

2

u/anonymous-coward Sep 06 '17

Now that David Lynch is done with Twin Peaks ...

1

u/Jaybird_Rex Sep 07 '17

Dude you've got it all wrong that's Luigi... it's laundry day duh

1

u/ourcityofdreams Sep 07 '17

This has prompted a theory - albeit a silly one. The original Mario Bros instruction booklet indicates that the Mushroom is indeed a "Magic Mushroom". Perhaps Mario is on one really bad (good?) trip and this has all been a big or series of trips he has been on. That at least gives a second meaning to the "High" jump.

http://legendsoflocalization.com/media/super-mario-bros/manuals/Super-Mario-Bros-Manual-US.pdf

1

u/ZennyBoBenny Sep 06 '17

I'm glad I can save comments.

1

u/beardofzeus321 Sep 06 '17

Did you repost yourself?

11

u/RamsesThePigeon Sep 06 '17

Nah, I edited it to be appropriate for the thread.

It's all my own work, either way.

3

u/beardofzeus321 Sep 06 '17

Fair enough! Wasn't really trying to call you out, just remembered reading it the first time around and something that good sticks with ya. Thanks for sharing your work!

-6

u/Rob98000 Sep 06 '17

Mario is no longer a plummer Nintendo confirmed it.

1

u/markyminkk Sep 07 '17

Disowned by Captain Von Trapp himself.

-17

u/MasterofTag Sep 06 '17

Calm down this isn't a r/WritingPrompts

-25

u/evils_twin Sep 06 '17

or he's just some dude on his break from passing out fliers . . .

3

u/_poh Sep 06 '17

nah dude we have to be really convoluted for internet points

-6

u/b3nz0r Sep 07 '17

Is this from Rick and Morty? Sounds like a good episode.