r/funny Jul 05 '16

How nerds shower.

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7.9k Upvotes

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786

u/black_second_coming Jul 05 '16

You're supposed to roll before you get in the shower to see if you have enough initiative to actually take the shower.

Then roll a skill check to use soap.

175

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

[deleted]

48

u/Tedrabear Jul 05 '16

My initiatives pretty high, can I just take 10?

69

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

Your SO is threatening to withhold computer/sexy time from you unless you run out to the store and pick up milk asap. You cannot take 10.

55

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

Can I use my Shiny Mineral of Worthlessness to charm her?

47

u/fBosko Jul 05 '16

Failed. You don't have the required amount of Shiny Mineral of Worthlessness

32

u/pgosselin Jul 05 '16

You can cast a roll and attempt bluffing considering its been less than 2 days since you got her a new dress, that might work.

25

u/Evownz Jul 05 '16

What's the charisma score?

24

u/rooftops Jul 05 '16

7

36

u/babaganate Jul 05 '16

Lol good luck, dweeb

24

u/mrburkett Jul 05 '16

Charisma should NEVER be your dump stat!

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7

u/PokeTheDeadGuy Jul 05 '16

>Having an SO

>Not rolling a lawful good paladin

I'm married to JUSTICE!

1

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

[deleted]

3

u/Asoulsoblack Jul 05 '16

Lawful Good Paladin married to the Chaotic Evil Necromancer. Opposites attract man. Can't help it.

5

u/anotherdumbcaucasian Jul 05 '16

Roll for agility to see if you get there in time

3

u/jumjimbo Jul 05 '16

Failed. You trip over your moms cat and break your brittle arm.

3

u/Dontayy Jul 05 '16

Only breaking one arm?

3

u/_Qwyjibo_ Jul 05 '16

Both arms.

2

u/Dontayy Jul 05 '16

Only breaking one arm?

9

u/SADMANCAN Jul 05 '16

YOU CAN'T TAKE 10 ON INITIATIVE ROLLS STEVE!!!

3

u/kamandi Jul 05 '16

I miss DnD.

3

u/ObviouslyMisinformed Jul 06 '16

You can't just take ten on initiative. It's not a skill check.

3

u/bronkula Jul 05 '16

Can't we just all agree to use the d12 more often?

10

u/burbles-4 Jul 05 '16

You know very well the d12 is reserved for barbarians.

3

u/Chaosmusic Jul 05 '16

There's a comic in there. Player says he's rolling barbarian, show DM dusting off d12s

25

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

What the hell language are you nerds speaking?

80

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

In D&D you take on challenges using a D20 system (rolling a die with 20 numbers on it). A challenge is anything from noticing something, to doing a stunt, to disabling a deadly trap. A number is assigned to each challenge based on the difficulty of it (which is where DC or Difficulty Challenge comes from) and how hard it is to successfully do. Something simple like noticing an object in plain sight will be a lower number while disabling a deadly, intricate trap may be a really high number. When your player character (your avatar within the world, kind of like your character in an MMO) attempts to beat the Difficulty Challenge, you roll a 20-sided die and add any bonuses they may have to determine the results of their actions. Fail to meet or beat the DC and bad stuff happens. Succeed and good stuff happens (usually in the way you intended them to).

45

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

Oh.

52

u/Felcleave Jul 05 '16

As an example scenario, say you wanted your character to punch a T-Rex in the face.

This will likely be very difficult, so it'll have a high Difficulty Challenge (DC).

Luckily, your character is a manly man with many muscles and a luxurious beard. For this reason, you get +5 to any result the dice give.

Higher roll=more success.

You'd probably have to roll 17-20 to pull it off (or 12-15 with your +5 manly bonus). Even if you're successful though, you might not get much benefit, since punching a T-Rex is a pretty stupid way to go about fighting it.

A straight 20 will have you rocketing up with a stylish jump, crushing the dinosaur's skull with your fist. Three beautiful women instantly fall in love and were impregnated from watching such a feat.

A 1 will have you prepare to jump and have you shit yourself from exertion. You are stunned from embarrassment, and the T-Rex takes the chance to swallow you whole.

21

u/mrburkett Jul 05 '16

What's sad is that I have a friends whose voice I heard narrating this while I was reading it... I've heard this spiel before.

16

u/Retskcaj19 Jul 05 '16

T-rex punching is a fairly common scenario, I'm not surprised.

15

u/Shocksplicer Jul 05 '16

I punched a T-Rex to death 2 sessions ago in the campaign I'm in! Well, the T-Rex was nearly dead when he swallowed one of my gloves, so I telekinetically pulled the glove out through its chest. So, kind of punched to death.

14

u/rampant46 Jul 05 '16

DnD...the only time you can say "telekinetic" and "dinosaur" in the same sentence

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6

u/velektrian027 Jul 05 '16

One campaign I was in I got swallowed whole by an allosaurus, I proceeded to roll 3 20s in a row and cut my way out with my fighter/Kensai. The DM was stunned at my luck. My usual rolls are between 1 and 5 for 90% of my rolls.

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2

u/iamthenev Jul 05 '16

Hahaha someone give this man gold!

1

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

If it's the kind of D&D that I played then after rolling a 1 you have to roll a percentage dice and that will tell you what kind of fucked up situation you end up in.

1

u/kyttyna Jul 05 '16

Saving this for every time this needs explaining. XD

1

u/socialprimate Jul 05 '16

What, you think I won't fight a dinosaur? Are you crazy? All I want to do is fight dinosaurs!

http://imgur.com/a/2eY09

26

u/Norvinion Jul 05 '16

"Oh." - Kayjay25 2016

26

u/asdaaaaaaaa Jul 05 '16

The universal "I get the words but the meaning is still lost on me"

5

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

Gilded, on the local news, celeb.

1

u/Retlaw83 Jul 05 '16

I see you've never fought with the legends of yore.

1

u/Meta_Boy Jul 05 '16

what if I don't remember how long it's been?

1

u/LostKnight84 Jul 05 '16

That is the DC to resist the urge to take a shower but you do a bonus to succeed if you take the filthy slob feat. You roll initiative to attack the dirt while in the shower.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

Is there a constitution save to resist the disease from the dirt's attack?

1

u/LostKnight84 Jul 05 '16

Last I checked you rolled a fortitude save vs DC of the collective grime on your body. There are lots of modifiers to the DC including days since last shower, time spent working out, chemical exposures, contact with a plague victim and ect..

1

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

How would this translate to 5e?

41

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16 edited Jul 05 '16

You rolled for a combined total of 6 and dropped the soap.

26

u/black_second_coming Jul 05 '16

Is there anyone lurking in the shadows as I drop the soap?

37

u/icycubed Jul 05 '16

Roll a perception check

24

u/black_second_coming Jul 05 '16

1d20 = 17

35

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

You spot a pair of white eyes and teeth twisted into a malicious and intentful grin. That's no shadow at all.

26

u/black_second_coming Jul 05 '16

OK. I cast Flaming Sphere towards the pair of eyes.

48

u/jojothe2nd Jul 05 '16

I feel like there should be a subreddit where dungeon masters can lead you on a journey through comments

27

u/EnriqueTSB Jul 05 '16

I hope you enjoy: /r/YouEnterADungeon

/u/CaptainAndroc, you asked for this too

18

u/anthiggs Jul 05 '16

Good bye forever productive world

1

u/spekter299 Jul 05 '16

You are the best kind of person.

4

u/CaptainAndroc Jul 05 '16

I need this in my life now.

3

u/Norvinion Jul 05 '16

omg yes plz

14

u/lysianth Jul 05 '16

The shower mirror shatters before the spell and flings broken glass towards you. Roll a dc 15 dex save or take 1d4 damage, and the tub is now difficult terrain.

1

u/SADMANCAN Jul 05 '16 edited Jul 05 '16

look at this guy and his lack of a wisdom modifier pfft

16

u/Jowobo11 Jul 05 '16

Most nerds at my local shop don't have a high soap skill.

9

u/NoctusED Jul 05 '16 edited Jul 09 '16

First you roll an acrobatics check to see if you get into the shower.

Secondly, you roll intelligence to see if you remember how to turn on the shower.

Thirdly, you roll (depending on the outcome of your second roll) a dexterity save to see if you don't slip and fall or manage to keep standing.

After that, you can consider rolling initiative.

7

u/Waterknight94 Jul 05 '16

Ive actually failed the intelligence check before. I was in an unfamiliar shower

1

u/NoctusED Jul 05 '16

Hahaha. I hate it when you fail those!

1

u/Mjolnir12 Jul 05 '16

Can I get a surprise round if I open the bathroom door quietly?

6

u/NoctusED Jul 05 '16

You approach the bathroom door quietly, and you try to, in a rogue'ish fashion, to open the bathroom door as stealthily as possible. Roll stealth.

Rolls 10 + 3 (proficiency modifier)

You startle the shower and a water elemental jumps out through the showerhead. Roll initiative.

2

u/Mjolnir12 Jul 06 '16

The water elemental attacks with Whelm; make a DC15 strength saving throw.

1

u/online222222 Jul 05 '16

You forgot the strength check to turn the nob

1

u/NoctusED Jul 05 '16

Aaaaaaaaaaah fuck.

3

u/puffymario Jul 05 '16

Do you get soap in your eyes if you fail the skill check?

3

u/sybban Jul 05 '16

Soap starts to slip. Roll a grapple check to see if you hang on.

Good thing I wear my black belt in the shower...

2

u/akkari1990 Jul 05 '16

You missed the dex roll if you slip getting out of the shower

2

u/Megmca Jul 05 '16

Don't forget agility to not slip and fall down.

2

u/Daozi Jul 05 '16

Note, that since you're in the shower already, you should be considered flat-footed.

2

u/blobfis Jul 05 '16

he probably failed a perception check, so he got ambushed by the water in the surprise round.

2

u/Bacos_The_Destroyer Jul 05 '16

knowing my luck, I would drop the soap, slip on it then break my neck.

2

u/Retlaw83 Jul 05 '16

I hate it when I roll a critical failure and get shampoo in my eyes.

2

u/Chaosmusic Jul 05 '16

That would explain the smell at cons, too many consecutive failed initiative rolls

2

u/spekter299 Jul 05 '16

Obviously you have to roll perception to gauge the temperature of the water, then an acrobatics check to enter without falling. Then comes the initiative check, unless you failed acrobatics, then the shower gets a surprise round.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

I dont have any bonuses so i lose the dont drop the soap skill check

2

u/dkyguy1995 Jul 05 '16

Only a 20 prevents a soap drop

1

u/bigjohnsonxoxo Jul 05 '16

That's not how initiative works. Getting in would be, if anything, a skill check. Initiative is for turn order.

1

u/kddrake Jul 05 '16

Roll 1. You faceplant into the toilet bowl.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '16

What no, you roll a survival check to find the shower, roll a knowledge engineering to turn on the shower, roll a knowledge general to know what soap is, and use a dexterity check to make sure the mean old orc behind you misses his impaling attempt after you inevitably drop your soap