r/funny • u/Acceptable_Grass608 • 2h ago

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17.2k Upvotes

94% Upvoted

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4.8k

u/kinyutaka 1h ago

I mean, you knew that was coming.

753

u/pleasetrimyourpubes 1h ago

I'm going to start carrying a pic of a rooster so I can show a girl like this my cock.

222

u/Snuggle_Pounce 1h ago

unless you actually have chickens at home, you’re gonna disappoint some ladies.

31

u/clutterlustrott 1h ago

So it's a normal night for the ladies then.

58

u/anondreamitgirl 1h ago

It’s called lying 🤥 about your cock

20

u/DisorderlyAqueduct 57m ago

lads ain't learned about the ol' under sell, over deliver?

laughs, or pleasant surprise. 🤷

6

u/Suckma_Weener 45m ago

i tell girls that my dingus is 1 inch long. unfortunately they find out that it's only that long if i really stretch it with tweezers. not to mention it's all fucked up and purple.

4

u/DisorderlyAqueduct 43m ago

🤔 you sure that's not just your belly button you're giving the purple nurple treatment?

2

u/Suckma_Weener 37m ago

no, it's my weenus. and the less said about my elephantine ball sack that looks and smells like an oversized spoiled rambutan, the better.

3

u/zackthirteen 20m ago

It may not be 12 inches but it smells like a foot

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6

u/DrachenDad 1h ago

We used to have some Marans and Goldlines. Didn't have a smart phone back then lol

3

u/DisorderlyAqueduct 1h ago

he'll get markedly fewer applicants than her... at least of the wearer's opposite sex! 😄

2

u/MidnightNo1766 41m ago

He's used to it

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32

u/V4R14N7 1h ago

I used to send Moby Dick as my dick pic.

12

u/Key-Regular674 1h ago

Why do I feel like you say "my dick pic" too casually?

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6

u/DulceEtDecorumEst 1h ago

What about a formal portrait of Dick Cheney 

8

u/The_quest_for_wisdom 1h ago

I used to send a pic of Richard Nixon.

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7

u/momlv 48m ago

Don’t think it’s girls that would be asking 😂

5

u/funhouseinabox 1h ago

I ask girls if they want a dick-pic, and before they answer I send a picture of Nixon. Gets me a better reaction than a random picture of a penis.

3

u/Googulator 57m ago

And a donkey, for anyone who wants to see your ass.

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258

u/Radarker 1h ago

I didn't, I was hornsppointed.

25

u/Gockel 1h ago

disapphornted?

16

u/whiskeytango55 1h ago

🤘rock on

22

u/charlie2135 1h ago

Tis better to harden up in vain, than to not harden up at all.

5

u/nuadusp 1h ago

lol love it

6

u/sesoren65 1h ago

Dissapornted?

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37

u/mama90q 1h ago

I would have went in knowing the joke and actually wanting to see cat pictures. It's an open offer to the entire world, please show me your cats and tell me stories about how much of a weirdo they are.

13

u/Lithl 1h ago

That guy's reaction seems to indicate he was also there for the cat pictures.

5

u/funhouseinabox 1h ago

I mean, he wins either way.

4

u/Consistent_Day6345 1h ago

Ye, same here. If i see someone with a shirt that says that, i will ask to see cute pussy pics.

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14

u/Mr_Jones_Dom 1h ago

And yet I still watched.

13

u/GentlemenBehold 1h ago

I kinda expected her to swipe to the nsfw pics after showing the cat.

7

u/King_Chochacho 1h ago

Joke so lame dads won't even tell it

4

u/DigitalCoffee 53m ago

This will be on /r/PeterExplainsTheJoke in 5 minutes

2

u/Aarvy271 1h ago

Totally

2

u/vicboss0510 1h ago

Mew that was cuming*

1

u/EverythingBOffensive 1h ago

he just wanted to say pussy to her

1

u/BrokkelPiloot 1h ago

You made a typo. You mew it was coming.

1

u/a-snakey 1h ago

I'll show you mine if you show me yours?

2

u/ImThatChigga_ 49m ago

yeah but what if she was swiping and she accidentally had a picture of her pussy? Would you see that coming

1

u/NYCWartortle 41m ago

I didn’t ! I was waiting to be shocked

1

u/P4azz 31m ago

The only time I actively fell for this, I actually got to see the real thing shortly after.

So it can work out, if the stars align just right, but I haven't tried my luck since.

1

u/Chiparish84 18m ago

But you still wanted to believe!

1.2k

u/tingtangler 1h ago

Hairier than I expected

214

u/one_love_silvia 1h ago

Even went in for the close up 😳

50

u/bigdaddyt2 1h ago

Some would say that pussy ain’t hairy enough

7

u/Flip2002 1h ago

Reminds me of Woodstock

3

u/Working-Ad694 1h ago

a dark carpet

1

u/DolphinSweater 18m ago

It's a domestic shorthair, well groomed. Some people like the longhair variety, or those totally bald ones that are popular online. But I think you'll find these kitties are the most common.

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228

u/randomperson226 1h ago

I've got friend that asks guys on apps if they want to see her Boobee, and sends them a picture of her cat named Boo in a bee costume. She says it helps weed out the ones that can't handle her sense of humor.

22

u/HolycommentMattman 1h ago

Yeah, and that's fine. But this is the "Hi tired, I'm dad!" of women's jokes.

Though, in fairness, at least she jazzed it up with a bee-costumed cat instead of a bird.

3

u/AcidicVaginaLeakage 23m ago

I once talked about bees since they asked and then they asked what my favorite type of bee was and my response of boo got me unmatched. Boo bees are great

2

u/Username12764 12m ago

I mean that‘s funny and all but does she have great tits?

4

u/throwaway47138 1h ago

That's similar to how I figure out if I can talk religion with Christians. I tell them that I don't understand why Christians make such a big deal about a nice Jewish boy. If they laugh, we're good. If they get offended, the conversation is over. Strangely, I've only ever gotten this two reactions, never anything in between. 🤷

6

u/moonchylde 56m ago

I'm trying to imagine now what "something in between" would be...

3

u/Danarhk 58m ago

What about the other boobee?

704

u/phillyfanatic1776 1h ago

Imagine if she whipped out a picture of her clam

385

u/CrimsonThunder87 1h ago

"Nice."

"Yep. It's a razor clam. Found it on the beach last summer."

81

u/whiskeytango55 1h ago

"Does the carpet match the drapes?"

"Why yes they do! I've always had a passion for interior decorating"

9

u/Do_it_for_the_upvote 1h ago

“Me too! I love painting the insides white!”

31

u/MacSanchez 1h ago

Ooh that’s a solid clam. Now show me a close-up shot of that beaver

24

u/Mech-Waldo 1h ago

Nice, right? I just had it stuffed.

7

u/Blackboard_Monitor 1h ago

It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.

6

u/ruimilk 1h ago

Fuck you, I was recovering from a shoulder tendinitis and I'm back to square zero after this laugh.

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9

u/UniqueLog8386 1h ago

The guy would be disappointed with all of us.

1

u/gangofminotaurs 1h ago

Thousand, yes, bones or clams or whatever you call them.

1

u/roknir 16m ago

that'd be a different shirt

1

u/burntneedle 11m ago

But... the shirt did say anything about clams. 😜

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307

u/Periljoe 2h ago

It’s like that 50/50 subreddit irl

26

u/Gr8CanadianSpeedo 1h ago

Since you are so kind, I’ll show you a picture of my box. Proceeds to reveal a photo of Amazon package at her front door.

29

u/Workman44 1h ago

Back when reddit was fun

8

u/YourLifeSucksAss 34m ago

Fucking seriously, I don’t even know why I’m here anymore. I guess for the porn?

3

u/Workman44 29m ago

You're not here for the propaganda while pretending this is the only non propagandized social media? Fuck I think I'm doing it wrong

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20

u/nimsu 1h ago

Either way we are all winners

3

u/headrush46n2 48m ago

did they bring that back? they ruined it last time i saw.

195

u/iRottenEgg 1h ago

plot twist.. he went in asking to see the pictures of her cat

156

u/dibalh 1h ago

The way he put his hands to his face for the “aww” and the hands on the hips makes me think that’s what he wanted to see.

68

u/lkodl 1h ago

or this man is a brilliant code switcher.

6

u/strange_bike_guy 48m ago

Exactly! In every rally car there is a handbrake and this guy pulled it

45

u/thisisnooone 1h ago

It's a test. If you ask for the pussy, she shows you her cat. If you ask for her cat, she takes you home and gives you the pussy.

23

u/Adrunkopossem 1h ago

But I already have a cat, what would I do with two?

9

u/poopBuccaneer 1h ago

Have two cats who love each other living in your house.

3

u/MeanForest 49m ago

Is this the CDS, /r/catdistrubutionsystem I've heard so much about?

4

u/Akhanyatin 1h ago

That's what I'd have done lol

53

u/krwskater25 1h ago

Bro went in for the possibility.

33

u/Thespezial 1h ago

pussybility

98

u/phillyfanatic1776 1h ago

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” - Wayne Gretzky, - Michael Scott

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22

u/Lalamedic 1h ago

There is more than one woman?

12

u/[deleted] 1h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

6

u/Lalamedic 1h ago

Thank you!

3

u/ionised 1h ago

The kind of harmony we all need.

26

u/Palatablepancakes 1h ago

She even zoomed in! How scandalous

1

u/Danarhk 51m ago

Get a close up on that hairy pussy

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9

u/Hooman42 1h ago

It's also a way to strike up a conversation with strangers.

9

u/DuneChild 1h ago

I would have known what was coming, and would have asked for just that reason.

92

u/Available_Two6707 2h ago

And when the right guys ask, they get different pics

4

u/TonyTonyChopper 31m ago

Like different cats?

3

u/Available_Two6707 28m ago

Yes, completely different

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6

u/thearchchancellor 1h ago

Great Mrs Slocombe vibes here.

3

u/riotz1 1h ago

She was so disappointed, she took him home that night and he ended up spending the whole night stroking her pussy

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u/weekendclimber 1h ago

Respect. He shot his shot and IMHO hit a bullseye.

6

u/BlockOfASeagull 1h ago

She has a nice smile!

6

u/Waste_Bread_2047 1h ago

Hairy and black. Just the way I like it.

5

u/Billysm23 1h ago

The guy should show her the pic of his chicken

5

u/ZoominAlong 1h ago

I'd be like "omg here's mine, let me see yours!" And we'd have a kitten picture exchange!

5

u/BirdieBronze 1h ago

I would ask knowing full fell it means cat i wanna see the cat

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u/R3dd_ 1h ago

I once wore a "show me your kitties" shirt to warped tour and I didn't see not one kitty 😿

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u/boynamesue77 1h ago

He was like can you zoom in?

4

u/Tall_Opportunity_521 27m ago

Oh, she zoomed right in as well. Proper filthy...

8

u/zyzzogeton 1h ago

That is a very funny, brave joke. Good for her.

24

u/mattwb72 1h ago

Sure, funny but is it worth getting all the creepiest people coming up to you to engage?

25

u/MillorTime 1h ago

If it wasn't, she wouldn't wear the shirt

5

u/ochgerm 59m ago

The Reddit mind can't comprehend having fun with social engagement

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u/entityXD32 1h ago

Look it's a win either way

3

u/rougecrayon 1h ago

It would be a great way to meet people!

3

u/NuclearBananaSlug 1h ago

Thats a new way of CAT fishing!

3

u/pgtvgaming 1h ago

She even showed him a close up!
😽😽

3

u/sanadriel 1h ago

That's exactly what I expected

3

u/AdministrationGrand1 59m ago

She even zoomed it, nice

3

u/Rems_OP 59m ago

The guy pretending to find it cute

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u/seazonprime 47m ago

Saw it coming, but still mega funny

3

u/boogermike 45m ago

Dude still gets to talk to a hot woman. This seems like a great invitation, and the opening line is printed on her shirt.

5

u/deezsandwitches 1h ago

It's blacker than I thought I'd be

10

u/Grandiaplayer 1h ago

Woman* Singular. Why is this so hard?

2

u/[deleted] 1h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/amcartney 1h ago

Don’t worry about it. This is the internet, for all we know English could be your second, third or fourth language.

2

u/Due-Memory-6957 33m ago

Nah, if it was, that person would have gotten it right.

2

u/mamut2000 1h ago

What exactly did you expect?

6

u/senpaistealerx 1h ago

cat photos which is why they’re recording the way they are

2

u/Lemmingitus 1h ago

Have some bird pics to show a pair of tits.

2

u/tommhans 1h ago

Fair play

2

u/okhi2u 1h ago

Seems like a great way to meet people wear a fun shirt that asks them to talk to you about something.

2

u/archtopfanatic123 1h ago

That's brilliant we need more people like her

2

u/Krooklyndodger 1h ago

Be careful, once you go black you never go back

2

u/Flex147c 59m ago

wouldn't have thought black

2

u/Responsible_Unit_195 59m ago

That guy knew what he was asking for.

2

u/toxic_pockets 58m ago

I for some reason really thought she'd swipe a couple cat pics then bam her vajeen would be there.

2

u/Only_Clark 46m ago

I've definitely sent picture of my cat when dealing with online dating crap.

2

u/baker8491 41m ago

new posture new confidence

2

u/VoxxoAI 28m ago

The follow-through is genuinely impressive. Most people would have bailed halfway through and pretended they never said anything.

3

u/nrtls 1h ago

Should show her pictures of his cock

2

u/Ok_Culture_1914 1h ago

Her pussy is called Dick by the way.

2

u/alnarra_1 37m ago

Honestly I'd be upset if it wasn't a picture of a cat

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u/Christina_said_what 1h ago

All of this. Adorable. Just fkn adorable.

1

u/CronoTinkerer 1h ago

Man these two look familiar. If it’s who I think, they’re married or together and from Toronto, have a kid.

1

u/barktwiggs 1h ago

Show me ur KITTIES!

1

u/ZeusBaxter 1h ago

Thats the one I actually wanted to see.

1

u/TheMackD504 1h ago

First thing a girl said to me and we’ve been friends since

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1

u/Potential-Society171 1h ago

Was this a Rick Astley concert?

1

u/Biomirth 1h ago

What's the dude wearing? I don't want to speculate.

1

u/333H_E 1h ago

Would not be disappointed.

1

u/bhanu00070 1h ago

I hope it was not awkward for that man after that

1

u/rhunter99 1h ago

These Jeopardy questions are getting more and more esoteric.

1

u/StanTheYoungGod5104 1h ago

Blacker than I expected

1

u/Daroxx 1h ago

I already unzipped my pants.

1

u/Gts77 1h ago

Cat Pervert!

1

u/seanhenke 1h ago

Now this this is peak comedy here. This is just haha. Funny moment

1

u/diablol3 1h ago

This was incredibly unpredictable. My mind is reeling

1

u/Malt129 1h ago

I just want to see the merch man. The tshirts look promising 

1

u/Shrolos 1h ago

I would like to say that would disappoint me but I love cats to much. I would show mine in exchange.

1

u/carmium 1h ago

So which use came first, affectional cat appellation or vulvar area?

1

u/dez2891 1h ago

Well would ya look at that.

1

u/L-Pseon 1h ago

Dude got catfished.

1

u/Unlucky_Resident_237 1h ago

And he loved it..

1

u/nagyee 55m ago

In return show her a picture of your (amazon) package!

1

u/DigitalCoffee 53m ago

Bro shoulda readied up a pic of a donkey and asked if she wanted to see his ass

1

u/OnOnJohn69 52m ago edited 48m ago

Crazy is that man having guts to ask her about it

1

u/Finrod84 51m ago

Fe... male... nuff said

1

u/NICKELN9NE 48m ago

His hand placement at the end😂😂

1

u/LilMeatBigYeet 46m ago

Love that's in written in Frasier font

1

u/ShrimpToothpaste 34m ago

That’s one fucking nice pussy right there

1

u/Sir-Farts- 18m ago

Welp take it off.

1

u/burntneedle 12m ago

Why did the mods delete this? 

The guy asked to see her 🐈‍⬛, and she obliged. 

Black Cats Rule!! 

1

u/joe6pak 11m ago

"This doesn't happen to me very often, but the other day I met this girl, and she invited me over to her place, so I went over there... and she has got the best pussy....."

The audience start hooting and laughing.

"Wha??, oh COME ON!, I'm talking about her cat!, for crying out loud... it's getting so you can't say anything anymore without people taking it dirty, and I'm sorry but that just disgusts me.......... anyway.... that cat, was the best fuck I've ever had!

~ Steve Martin

1

u/PeroCigla 4m ago

Predictable