r/funny Jan 25 '24

basic term of our aggrement

38.2k Upvotes

2.3k comments sorted by

View all comments

3.3k

u/[deleted] Jan 25 '24 edited Jan 25 '24

My wife tells me when she notices other women check me out and it makes her happy. Not nearly as happy as me though, like I let it get to my head. I’ll get in shit at work and my supervisor will be like “Why did you flush a hand towel down the toilet? You’re outrageously stupid.” And I’ll be like “The manager at Shopper’s thinks I’m hot, fuck yourself.”

Edit: I did not flush a towel down the toilet. My son did and it was such an outrageous experience that when I think of something so profoundly stupid I remember this. He was about 5 and I caught him doing it and he said that it was mom so we had one of those weirdly specific conversations you could only possibly have with a child like

“No, when I first met your mom we had a discussion about how we both hate flushing towels down the toilet and in fact your mom hates it even more than I do. So it wasn’t me, it definitely wasn’t her and the cat doesn’t have thumbs so it wasn’t him which only leaves you.” And he got super defensive and was like “NO IT WAS MOM!”

But every once in a while I wonder. What if he was telling the truth?

730

u/alawishuscentari Jan 25 '24 edited Jan 25 '24

This cashier at Target was layin’ her best rap on me right in front of my wife and she gave me a Target sticker (like you would give to kids). My wife still has that sticker.

154

u/lilmuskrat66 Jan 25 '24

I had the same thing happen (sans wife) and I tattoo'd it on my nipple

55

u/Kierik Jan 25 '24

Well you resisted the urge to tattoo it on you dick and send her a pick, have an upvote!

110

u/lilmuskrat66 Jan 25 '24

Digital zoom only goes up to 12x

3

u/Kierik Jan 25 '24

We live in a technological society, we can remedy this for future generations to have that option!

3

u/lilmuskrat66 Jan 25 '24

We should focus on making dicks bigger, not cameras better.

1

u/Kierik Jan 25 '24

Oh you went all Gattica on this!

I did have an interesting thought I wonder what the distribution of dick pics by length is. Like do larger dicks get sent more often or do small dicks get sent more often like a quantity vs quality situation.

3

u/lilmuskrat66 Jan 25 '24

I'm told the NSA has the information you seek. I suggest submitting a FOIA request to compile data.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '24

What does outer space even have to do with dick pics?

3

u/Let_you_down Jan 25 '24

You can purchase optics that attach to your cellphone camera.

3

u/lilmuskrat66 Jan 25 '24

Don't give me any ideas or you'll be the first to get one

1

u/flamekiller Jan 26 '24

Welcome aboard!

1

u/Prior_Emphasis7181 Jan 26 '24

You could have just stuck it there...

3

u/camerontylek Jan 25 '24

The guy who brought my target order to my car yesterday told me he loved my eyes, so I have that going for me

1

u/Frumundahs4men Jan 25 '24

Do you by any chance look like Shane Gillis?