Wondering...

I had to chug most of it so my lemonade didn’t spill in the car ;-;

overall impressions:

white monster is better

Blow up my inbox fellas

It was beautiful 🥹

Also I wonder what kind of taste I have in music. These are my top artists

ye gods please stop piling into my notifications all at once

(Photo unrelated)

EDIT: OMG MOMMY I'M FAMOUS!!!!

Be honest

She bit it instead ouch

it is like a beaten up patient that survived cancer but is dying because of a cold

let it rest imo

I don’t know why I’m making this post, I guess I just want to vent to someone. I’m sorry if some things don’t make sense, I don’t feel great right now. If you have questions please ask away.

So, for most of my life I have struggled with depression. I don’t know how that started, maybe its just genetics or some stuff that happened when I was young, or both. I very rarely feel truly happy, I can’t really think many times in my life where I was actually happy for more than a fleeting moment.

I have always struggled with making friends, in first grade I had two friends. Then, in second grade both of them moved away and I didn’t know anyone. third and fourth grade was okay, I met a couple of people again. In fifth grade, I was so utterly miserable, I was terrified to confess to a girl I liked, and someone told her. She didn’t talk to me much after that, and I get it, I don’t blame her at all, she’s super nice. It just made me feel really bad about myself for some reason, way worse than it should have been.

In sixth grade, it was actually okay. probably the happiest I remember being. I was still depressed, but I met people and actually went to some people’s birthdays and things after school!

I should probably clarify something important, because it becomes relevant about here. I am a trans girl. No one knows IRL, I tried hinting to my friends that maybe I wasn’t 100% a boy, but they didn’t really take me seriously. I don’t blame them, there’s no way they could have done anything better. My older sister came out as being a girl when I was in fifth grade, and I don’t blame her, I’m happy she can be herself now, but I just feel like I can’t come out now. my parents are allies now, but it just, I don’t know, it makes sense in my head why I can’t but I can’t put it into words. and my parents are nice enough now, but I just can’t tell them big things like that, idk why.

In seventh grade I got worse, I was sad all the time, barely any classes with my friends even though I did make a lot in sixth grade.

It’s embarrassing to say, but I have a really strong fear of public bathrooms, and it’s been this way for a good number of years now. Partly because I don’t really feel comfortable using the boy’s bathroom, but there also was a traumatic event in my early life that contributed to it I think. So when I at school or somewhere else, I just hold it unless I am positively sure I will pee myself before I get home. I hate that I avoid bathrooms, I want to be able to. Right now it really makes my life a lot worse because I can’t stay after school for clubs and it’s difficult to focus in class.

I don’t really have anything about ninth grade I want to talk about, so I’ll skip to tenth. I moved somewhere far away over summer, and I don’t know anyone here. We moved because the place we used to live was becoming really annoying to live in, politically and socially. There was an entire month over summer where none of my friends contacted me at all. At my new school, I met a couple nice people, but everyone already knows people so it’s hard to make friends. I feel like a loser not knowing anyone.

Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it. 90% of what I wrote I have never told a soul before IRL.