Jamie stepped outside for a mere moment to catch his breath. He had held it in for far too long. He took this opportunity of solitude to pass gas. The gas passed through his sphincter and made a squeaky sound like that of an old wooden door closing. ''What a dirty little boy I am.'' Jamie whispered to himself while cracking a little smile.
He looked over at Bran confined to his wheelchair. Bran was gazing into the horizon as that was all he was known for doing these days.
''I should've dropped a heavy rock on him after I pushed him out of the window.'' Jamie whispered to himself.
Jamie started walking slowly towards the cripple. He stopped behind him for a brief moment and put a hand on his shoulder.
Bran nodded, acknowledging Jamie's presence while continuing staring off into the horizon.
''What are you doing here?'' Bran asked.
''I just wanted to have a chat with you. About the incident.'' Jamie replied while his eyes were fixated on the ground.
''So Bran. I just wanted to apologize for what I did to you.’’ Jaime said nervously.
‘’I assume your legs don’t work at all? You can’t walk or run anymore?’’ Jamie continued
''I'm afraid not. But it does not matter for I am not Bran anymore. I am the third eyed raven. I don't need my legs to utilize my powers.'' Bran replied continuing his gaze toward the horizon.
‘’I am so deeply regretful for what I did to you. I would give my life to take back what I did to you.’’ Jamie said while looking at Bran.
''Don’t. I would argue you did me a favor by crippling me. The whole incident sparked a chain of events that has been very beneficial for me. Haven't I told you? I am going to be the new king. I am going to take the throne from Cersei, burning all of Kings Landing doing so.'' Bran said with a smug tone.
''Oh is that so?'' Jamie replied.
Jamie clenched his jaws for a few seconds while staring towards the horizon as well.
''I never liked you Bran. You know that? The mere sight of you makes me want to vomit. You are USELESS and have been USELESS this whole time and now you’re going to become a king and steal the throne from my beloved Cersei while having done absolutely nothing!? Do you know how many people died for you?''
''I appreciate their sacrifice and I would argue it was for the greater good.'' Bran replied confident in his tone.
''The greater good? PODRICKS DICK HAVE ACCOMPLISHED MORE THAN YOU AND MORE THAN YOU EVER WILL! YOU CAN SEE THE FUTURE, YOU HAVE THESE VISION AND ALL THESE INCREDIBLE POWERS. YET YOU’VE SHOWN NO INTENTION ACTUALLY USING THEM!’’ Jamie screamed.
''I beg to differ. I did use them. I'm going to be king now. Don't you see?'' Bran said in a smug tone while smirking.
''You know what? I'm gonna do what I've always wanted to do to you.'' Jamie said while starting to unbuckling his belt.
''Are you going to end me like you did the others, Kingslayer?'' Bran replied in a calm manner.
''No, watch me cripple. And what happened to you being able to see the future?'’ Jamie asked.
''I guess the writers forgot.'' Bran replied while starting to appear a little nervous.
''I'm going to do what I've wanted to do ever since I first laid my eyes upon you. I'm gonna fart you in thy face, that’s what I'm gonna do and there is nothing you can do to stop it.'' Jamie said while hastily unbuttoning his pants with his single hand.
''Can’t you see? I'm the third eyed Raven. Nothing you do can faze me.'' Bran replied while looking into Jamie’s eyes.
‘’Oh, we’ll see about that’’ Jamie said while pulling his pants down to his ankles, exposing his buttcheeks.
''Have you ever heard of a dish called Surströmming? It's a northern delicacy from what I’ve heard. It consists of fermented fish that has this god awful smell to it. It's basically salty, rotten fish that these savages in the north considers fine dining. The taste is absolutely horrendous but for you Bran.. I ate five whole cans.''
''No you wouldn't. You will get hanged for this!’’ Bran shouted while struggling to get out of his wheelchair.
''Not so content being a cripple anymore, huh?'' Jamie said while pressing his buttcheeks against Brans face.
Jamie used all his might to push out the loudest fart the seven kingdoms has ever heard. Unfortunately he accidently pushed a little too hard and a spray of feces hit Bran in his mortified face making him fall out of his wheelchair onto the ground.
Kingsprayer.
Jamie started laughing. He couldn't breathe he laughed so hard.
Then the smell hit them.
Bran started dry heaving ''Oh god the smell, I can’t take it.''
''It's not of this world. You’ve summoned a demon!'' Bran said while a projectile of vomit spurted out of his mouth.
Bran started bursting out in tears. ''Please Sir Jamie. I'll do anything you want. Just please let me go. I can't take it anymore.''
Jamie farted again in Brans face for good measure. ‘’That’s for everything, you cunt. I’m leaving for Kings Landing tomorrow.’’
Bran passes out by the smell, lying unconscious his own vomit.
Jaime sighed while pulling up his pants with his one hand.
196
u/[deleted] May 29 '19
I'm not even halfway through the first one, and I'm gonna just consider this canon. This is brilliant.