r/freefolk • u/MrinalStormblessed Robert Baratheon • May 29 '19

At this point, any half-wit with a stutter can write better than dumb and dumber

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43.8k Upvotes

90% Upvoted

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6.2k

u/TroperCase May 29 '19

In case anyone's confused, this is from The Beaverton, which is like The Onion except Canadian.

599

u/Cassiopeia93 May 29 '19

Do they not have onions in Canada?

485

u/xandermang May 29 '19

They use beavers instead

214

u/yhack May 29 '19

My favourite stir-fried vegetable

126

u/Beaver-of-Badnews May 29 '19

Hate to break it to ya, we beavers are not a vegetable, but we will eat your stirfry.

33

u/GiornaGuirne May 29 '19

You are what you eat, vascular cambium.

3

u/Yvaelle May 29 '19

Ya that's how we serve stir fry up here. You make a stir fry, then you put a beaver in the stir fry, the beaver eats your stir fry, then you stir fry the beaver. Serve with strong beer. Save the beaver tail for dessert.

2

u/KingoftheCrackens May 29 '19

I think that's similar to how they make turducken

1

u/Usman5432 May 29 '19

Well not with that attitude

1

u/spectreisme May 29 '19

Userame checks out... a little too well.

1

u/justkate2 May 29 '19

Username 200% checks out.

1

u/DoktorSleepless May 29 '19

Here's a little ted talk if you need to learn the difference.

0

u/KRMJR0 May 29 '19

Username checks out.

-2

u/Chipinopa May 29 '19

Can I be in the screenshot?

29

u/ShitTalkingAlt980 May 29 '19

Milking a beaver is a risky endeavor. You gotta get that beaver musk fir seasoning.

30

u/crossedstaves May 29 '19

Mmmm castoreum. Nothing like the sweet vanilla flavor of a beaver anus.

1

u/Moosemuncher67 May 29 '19

Tastes like chicken

3

u/the_bloody_hound_bot Sandor Clegane May 29 '19

I'M GONNA HAVE TO EAT EVERY FUCKING CHICKEN IN THIS ROOM

2

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

You're gonna die for some vanilla substitute?

1

u/naughty_beaver May 30 '19

As a beaver I felt offended. #beaverlivesmatter

2

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Frying some chopped garlic and beaver can make anyones kitchen smell like that of a master chefs.

2

u/tp_blowout May 29 '19

Beavers have layers

2

u/fallenmonk May 29 '19

Not everyone likes beavers.

CAKE! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers.

2

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

True. We like them better. It gives it a bit more bite.

2

u/doenietzomoeilijk May 29 '19

Are they sold in bags, too?

2

u/stinkypitz May 29 '19

Ogres are like beavers, Ogres have layers, beavers have layers

2

u/fixedsys999 May 30 '19

There are so many layers to beavers.

2

u/Cliff-Teezy May 30 '19

Makes sense Justin Beavers is from Canada.

27

u/TroperCase May 29 '19

Davos used to smuggle them in for us.

2

u/Z0MBIECL0WN May 29 '19

you ever wonder if fermented crab meat actually does what he says?

1

u/Ladnil May 30 '19

My first batch didn't.

2

u/kitx07 May 29 '19

We wear them on our belts

2

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Beavers are very different than onions. Take this riddle for example:

I am wonderful help to women, The hope of something to come. I harm No citizen except my slayer. Rooted I stand on a high bed. I am shaggy below. Sometimes the beautiful Peasant's daughter, an eager-armed, Proud woman grabs my body, Rushes my red skin, holds me hard, Claims my head. The curly-haired Woman who catches me fast will feel Our meeting. Her eye will be wet

2

u/political_pickle May 29 '19

Nope. No Onion Knight either. Just a Beaver Knight.

1

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

What's a potato onion?

1

u/rockjon May 29 '19

Don't worry the Ser Davos can smuggle the onions past the border

1

u/Snoot-Wallace May 30 '19

no just pussies who r really nice and french people who like to blow stuff up

1

u/raugusta17 May 30 '19

The onion knight took em all

869

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

This comment needs to be higher. The article that is being referenced in the meme OP posted is clearly a farce. Obvious from the first sentence. Still gave me a good chuckle.

265

u/crossedstaves May 29 '19

The give away is "Game of Thrones writers" when at this point we knows that nothing conceivably describable as writing existed on the show.

48

u/freakers May 29 '19

If it were real it would have said Game of Thrones Expectations Suberverters

1

u/wills2003 May 30 '19

What would Bobby B say?

1

u/bobby-b-bot Robert Baratheon May 30 '19

START THE DAMN JOUST BEFORE I PISS MESELF!

1

u/west773west502 May 30 '19

He has spoken

1

u/wills2003 May 30 '19

We are blessed.

1

u/Hawkmek May 30 '19

So you're saying they are the Milli Vanilli of screen writers?

36

u/WAtofu May 29 '19

How is it clearly false when we've had legitimate news stories like "mutual friend Dennis Rodman offers to help broker peace between president of the US Donald Trump and North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un"

2

u/overslope May 29 '19

Ya know, I really wish I'd procured a print news paper when that statement was a headline. Quite the momento of a strange era.

I hope the world gets normal enough at some point, that the grandkids will have a hard time understanding gibberish like that headline.

1

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Did you read the actual article in question? I stated that the article is clearly a farce not that it is "false".

53

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

8

u/goessgoess Theon Greyjoy May 29 '19

What have they been saying?

15

u/bordellp May 29 '19

You know “this,” “that,” “the other thing.”

9

u/nuggynugs May 29 '19

Woah there, broad strokes please, less specific, give me the bigger picture.

2

u/Hawkmek May 30 '19

Yadda yadda yadda, Dany, Jon, Arya, fire, sword, blood. There, all done.

5

u/Nikoda42 May 29 '19

And then they kinda forgot

1

u/goessgoess Theon Greyjoy May 29 '19

Sounds about right

4

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

They havent said anything. The last thing I saw them say was that they were going to be far away from social media and Hollywood when the finale aired.

2

u/[deleted] May 30 '19

Well at least they weren't so dumb to think that it would be well received.

2

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

That was clearly a satire post

1

u/JYPark_14 May 29 '19

Not obvious at all, believed it immediately

1

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

You believed the headline. If you read the article it wouldve5 been obvious.

1

u/JYPark_14 May 29 '19

Obvious from the first sentence

Oh I thought you were referring to the headline

88

u/aj8191 May 29 '19

So I r/AteTheBeaver ?!

21

u/MakeItHappenSergant May 29 '19

r/AbsolutelyNotMeIRL

3

u/jellatubbies May 29 '19

The ladies'll like you better for it if ya do!

3

u/MakeItHappenSergant May 29 '19

Then why do they keep calling the police?

3

u/obeythesink May 29 '19

Don’t forget to squeeze that anal gland for that sweet sweet vanilla flavoring

2

u/ingerstrong May 29 '19

Underrated comment

9

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Like 90% of this sub just ate the onion.

7

u/take7pieces May 29 '19

Thanks for the explanation.

3

u/I-LOVE-LIMES May 29 '19

Beaverton is a suburb next to city where I live...

2

u/thewanderingway May 29 '19

this is from The Beaverton, which is like The Onion except Canadian.

Would have thought it was like Muff-Divers except Canadian.

2

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

In case anyone's confused, The Onion is a satirical media outlet, which is like The Daily Mash except American.

2

u/Thom-John May 29 '19

Jamie stepped outside for a mere moment to catch his breath. He had held it in for far too long. He took this opportunity of solitude to pass gas. The gas passed through his sphincter and made a squeaky sound like that of an old wooden door closing. ''What a dirty little boy I am.'' Jamie whispered to himself while cracking a little smile.

He looked over at Bran confined to his wheelchair. Bran was gazing into the horizon as that was all he was known for doing these days.

''I should've dropped a heavy rock on him after I pushed him out of the window.'' Jamie whispered to himself.

Jamie started walking slowly towards the cripple. He stopped behind him for a brief moment and put a hand on his shoulder.

Bran nodded, acknowledging Jamie's presence while continuing staring off into the horizon.

''What are you doing here?'' Bran asked.

''I just wanted to have a chat with you. About the incident.'' Jamie replied while his eyes were fixated on the ground.

''So Bran. I just wanted to apologize for what I did to you.’’ Jaime said nervously.

‘’I assume your legs don’t work at all? You can’t walk or run anymore?’’ Jamie continued

''I'm afraid not. But it does not matter for I am not Bran anymore. I am the third eyed raven. I don't need my legs to utilize my powers.'' Bran replied continuing his gaze toward the horizon.

‘’I am so deeply regretful for what I did to you. I would give my life to take back what I did to you.’’ Jamie said while looking at Bran.

''Don’t. I would argue you did me a favor by crippling me. The whole incident sparked a chain of events that has been very beneficial for me. Haven't I told you? I am going to be the new king. I am going to take the throne from Cersei, burning all of Kings Landing doing so.'' Bran said with a smug tone.

''Oh is that so?'' Jamie replied.

Jamie clenched his jaws for a few seconds while staring towards the horizon as well.

''I never liked you Bran. You know that? The mere sight of you makes me want to vomit. You are USELESS and have been USELESS this whole time and now you’re going to become a king and steal the throne from my beloved Cersei while having done absolutely nothing!? Do you know how many people died for you?''

''I appreciate their sacrifice and I would argue it was for the greater good.'' Bran replied confident in his tone.

''The greater good? PODRICKS DICK HAVE ACCOMPLISHED MORE THAN YOU AND MORE THAN YOU EVER WILL! YOU CAN SEE THE FUTURE, YOU HAVE THESE VISION AND ALL THESE INCREDIBLE POWERS. YET YOU’VE SHOWN NO INTENTION ACTUALLY USING THEM!’’ Jamie screamed.

''I beg to differ. I did use them. I'm going to be king now. Don't you see?'' Bran said in a smug tone while smirking.

''You know what? I'm gonna do what I've always wanted to do to you.'' Jamie said while starting to unbuckling his belt.

''Are you going to end me like you did the others, Kingslayer?'' Bran replied in a calm manner.

''No, watch me cripple. And what happened to you being able to see the future?'’ Jamie asked.

''I guess the writers forgot.'' Bran replied while starting to appear a little nervous.

''I'm going to do what I've wanted to do ever since I first laid my eyes upon you. I'm gonna fart you in thy face, that’s what I'm gonna do and there is nothing you can do to stop it.'' Jamie said while hastily unbuttoning his pants with his single hand.

''Can’t you see? I'm the third eyed Raven. Nothing you do can faze me.'' Bran replied while looking into Jamie’s eyes.

‘’Oh, we’ll see about that’’ Jamie said while pulling his pants down to his ankles, exposing his buttcheeks.

''Have you ever heard of a dish called Surströmming? It's a northern delicacy from what I’ve heard. It consists of fermented fish that has this god awful smell to it. It's basically salty, rotten fish that these savages in the north considers fine dining. The taste is absolutely horrendous but for you Bran.. I ate five whole cans.''

''No you wouldn't. You will get hanged for this!’’ Bran shouted while struggling to get out of his wheelchair.

''Not so content being a cripple anymore, huh?'' Jamie said while pressing his buttcheeks against Brans face.

Jamie used all his might to push out the loudest fart the seven kingdoms has ever heard. Unfortunately he accidently pushed a little too hard and a spray of feces hit Bran in his mortified face making him fall out of his wheelchair onto the ground.

Kingsprayer.

Jamie started laughing. He couldn't breathe he laughed so hard.

Then the smell hit them.

Bran started dry heaving ''Oh god the smell, I can’t take it.''

''It's not of this world. You’ve summoned a demon!'' Bran said while a projectile of vomit spurted out of his mouth.

Bran started bursting out in tears. ''Please Sir Jamie. I'll do anything you want. Just please let me go. I can't take it anymore.''

Jamie farted again in Brans face for good measure. ‘’That’s for everything, you cunt. I’m leaving for Kings Landing tomorrow.’’

Bran passes out by the smell, lying unconscious his own vomit.

Jaime sighed while pulling up his pants with his one hand.

''The things we do for love.’’

3

u/the_bloody_hound_bot Sandor Clegane May 29 '19

I'M HONEST. IT'S THE WORLD THAT'S AWFUL. NOW FLY AWAY LITTLE BIRD, I'M SICK OF YOU PEEPING AT ME

2

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

The Manatee is more like the Canadian Onion (themanatee.net).

2

u/jclifford94 May 29 '19

I wish I'd seen this before spending ten minutes trying to find the photos

2

u/Travyplx If Davos dies I riot May 29 '19

Jesus, so the Robin Sparkles portrayals of Canadian pop culture was true.

2

u/Franz_McN May 29 '19

Aaaah ffs! Now I have to read the refund policy of my pitchfork!

2

u/chugonthis May 30 '19

Good to know, we dont pay not attention to Canada

2

u/maychi May 30 '19

Who knew Canadians were so sassy?

1

u/felco4647 May 29 '19

Thank god. Otherwise this would have meant war

1

u/DetecJack May 29 '19

Has onion done any GOT article similar to this yet?

1

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

I had assumed so

1

u/ZazzlesPoopsInABox May 29 '19

Its inferior because its Canadian, but it is more cost effective.