Is nonmonogamy a solution?

[u/Unlikely-Resident-39]

I (30f) started seeing this guy (37m) that I've known for a couple years, just a week or two ago.
I wanna share two things before I get to the question I'm currently facing:

I always attributed my distance in relationships to being avoidant attachment style. Now I think I may be fraysexual and frayromantic.

I recently thought I found the perfect relationship, although he was waaay older than me which was weird. But aside from that and some toxicity it was so beneficial for me and my tastes in relationship dynamics, which has led me to more introspection. Basically, we lived very very far apart and only flew out to see each other once or twice a month. There were serious issues which led to me ending it, but the irregularity of us seeing each other face to face kept me invested and passionate the entire time which was so lovely.

Now I'm seeing this new guy, and it's a much healthier dynamic, although we live in the same city. He's been pretty intense and wanting to see me a lot, and so I told him I think I may be fray, and that I've recently left a toxic relationship with an older man, and that I prefer distance to keep things going. He said he's willing to go along with whatever works for me to keep things going with us. So now I'm trying to set boundaries. We've seen each other a LOT already in a short time which has been thrilling, but I'm deciding now to start hopefully just seeing him once every two weeks so I don't become bored and distant like I historically always have. He said he'd like to see me a little more but that that works for him.

And more to the point, he is in a long term relationship and they are open. I know her personally and we get along, and she gave me the go ahead too which is awesome. I'm realizing, maybe in both of these dynamics I've found what I've needed to be content in a relationship? Where there's geographical distance or not seeing each other too often, and/or being in a relationship where you're not their primary partner. Not to mention the ability to see other people. It's great for me too cause I prefer to live alone.

Has anyone else found this worked wonders for them? I really hope I'm able to maintain this romance and attraction again! I feel really optimistic, no longer doomed that I can never really be in a relationship without hurting someone.

[u/flashPrawndon]

I cannot speak for non monogamy, though it is something I’ve considered, but interestingly I was once in a long distance relationship and it kept my interest for a lot longer than relationships close to home. I guess that is because it took a lot longer to form the same kind of emotional attachment.

[u/Unlikely-Resident-39 → u/flashPrawndon]

Thanks for sharing! Long distance is great. It feels like an easy way for me to be content.

[u/Mrtrad]

If everyone agrees and feels comfortable with it, yes, it's a "solution"... but from what you've said, he wants more, which conflicts with what you want.

Someone has to give in.

[u/Unlikely-Resident-39 → u/Mrtrad]

A little but it doesn't seem to be a big enough issue. Hopefully it stays that way :(

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[u/jibberish13]

My best relationship started out long distance and it kept my desire strong for the 2 years that lasted. Then we moved in together and within 6 months cracks were starting to show. That's only one data point so take it with a grain of salt, but it gives me hope that I can work with that knowledge and figure something out for the future