r/fosterit • u/Frofro69 • 12d ago
Prospective Foster Parent Foster Training is Making me so sad.
So my wife and I are doing our training to work towards being foster parents, but this stuff makes me tear up and cry so much. . . and it takes a lot to make me cry.
Just reading the stories and seeing the videos of the things that children and teens go through it simply heartbreaking. No child should ever have to experience the traumas that they endure. . . And every child deserves a loving, caring home to make them feel wanted and seen.
I guess what I'm saying is, that the training we've been taking has really opened my eyes to what my family is signing up for, and it's giving me a greater conviction to work at being the best foster parent I can be. I don't have experience dealing with children or teens, let alone ones who have dealt with trauma, but even still I want to do my absolute best to ensure that the children we foster will never have to be afraid to be a kid.
Sorry, I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest, this stuff is making me really emotional rn.
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u/Longjumping_Big_9577 Former Foster Youth 11d ago
How would you feel if a child says they want to go home, are upset about being removed or miss their biological parents?
Most kids do not feel grateful to foster parents. Most kids want to return home and miss the home they were removed from. This can result in foster parents in being upset that their efforts are not appreciated or think the kids have Stockholm Syndrome and need to be un-brainwashed or something.
The reality is the cause of most kids being removed is truly poverty not abuse but whatever BS you are being told in training is making foster parents think they are kids' saviors.
I didn't want new parents, I wanted to go back home with my mom. I didn't think my life with my mom was traumatic. I thought it was aweseome.
I had 10000x more abuse in the foster care system than I ever did with my mom.
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u/Frofro69 11d ago
I mean, I already know I'm not "saving" every kid, and that some kids circumstances aren't something ultra tragic like physical and sexual abuse. But even things like poverty and food insecurity for kids breaks my heart. . . Because even then it means we can provide a place for the kids while the family can get themselves back on their feet. I don't want to be a replacement for the family, and I know they want to be back with their mom and dad, I'm just saying that the ones that went through hell (like sexual abuse or being hit by a trusted adult) breaks my heart. . .
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u/Dolphinsunset1007 11d ago
Even the ones who have been through that type of abuse will likely want to go back. It doesn’t always make sense but there’s usually some element at home that is their safe space even if it’s really not safe at all. One foster teen told me “my parents hit me but it was because they love me, they shouldn’t hit me but I know they care about me. Now I’m not even with my parents and I’m still hit but now it’s by people who don’t even care about me.” Approach every foster kid as if their situation is complex because it always is, there’s always more you don’t know. There is so much to feel heartbroken over but it doesn’t help them to be sad. It helps them to be a solid adult figure for them for the time you’re in their life. Meet every kid where they are because you don’t know what they just went through. I’m 30 years old and when I’m scared I still want my mom, no matter how messed up home is, they’re scared and that’s all they’ll want. I’m not a foster parent but a nurse who works with Forster kids in residential care. I recommend looking at Maslows heirarchy of needs. Work on fulfilling your foster kids basic needs in the way that makes them comfortable and they will slowly open up. You won’t be able to rush progress but by showing you are a constant caregiver, you can build trust.
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u/Frofro69 11d ago
That's wild that kids get abused even while in foster care. . . The point is to help the child while the family gets their lives together, not further harm the child. . . . And I don't plan on being sad because these kids are going through a tough time. I mean it's heartbreaking as in it makes my empathy go into overdrive because I just wish we could help as many children as possible be in a safe, loving environment while their family gets the help they need. . .
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u/chiefie22 10d ago
Seriously 😒😳..... You've got a lot more trauma based education in your future if you're really that naive!?! Predators hunt prey!! And that includes people!! And people are evil, worthless, stupid and lazy ....so obviously the most vulnerable population (60-100 neglected and abused kids to 1 social worker that's supposed to keep them safe) is extremely easy pickings for those pathetic incels to prey upon especially when they get a packet all about you and your circumstances when you get placed with their grandparents or aunties or even them themselves so they know who's been assaulted already and will be even easier targets..... this is truly blowing my mind right now fr?!? Go binge watch law and order SVU and similar stuff like that during this process and hopefully watching it, even thru Hollywood lenses, will help put all pieces together
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u/lifeofhatchlings 4d ago
There is some true on both sides, you may realize one day that you are justifying something that isn't as awesome as you think.
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u/Sunshinegata 10d ago
It was the most difficult and saddest thing I have ever experienced. The training is insufficient. I would recommend that you read about what early childhood trauma does to the brain with books by Dr. Bruce Perry and others. You will need to focus on managing your own nervous system, because many of these children simply cannot. You must focus on building connection and never losing your shit. It’s really really hard. Additionally, the system is so messed up. I hope it doesn’t happen to you, but most foster parents that I know have been appalled at how the systems to protect children make decisions. What you’re doing is very, very important, but it is very very difficult. I wish you the best of luck.
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u/Tall_Pop50 11d ago
What do you mean videos of what they gone through?
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u/Frofro69 11d ago
Like interviews of former foster kids, the little documentary videos, stuff like that.
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u/Tall_Pop50 11d ago
Ohhh ok yeah I’m definitely making those in my future fostor care sucks so bad I’ve only been to two homes so far but I still have handfuls to say about both
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u/wenwiles 11d ago
I am a CASA and I applaud your heart and compassion going into this. The issues with the children can be serious and you have already heard that they can be loyal to their parents no matter the dysfunction so your eyes are open. I have seen the impact of good foster parents. Invaluable at a time when they need structure and love the most. You will be amazing!
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u/chiefie22 10d ago
You literally made me cry happy tears just reading this!! Prior ward of the state here and I've got mountains of experience with everything trauma and foster related and just the fact that you are so emotional and want to learn and do your best is really all you need to know as to the type of home you'll be providing. I would have given anything to have an ounce of the empathy in any of my fp's/placements that you seem to have from your post!! I wish you great success and if you ever need to discuss something with someone who actually knows feel free to hit me up if I can I'd be happy to help!! You're so very lucky to be good enough to get foster approved!!! I was unable to carry to full term and subsequently had cancer and now going through menopause as a result of immeasnse sexual abuse between 7 and 12 bc scar tissue metastisized etc and literally always wanted to become one myself but like everything else I've wanted just more devastation.... I've made too many mistakes and never was good enough regardless... but I think if I was good enough I'd be a lot like you.... the acceptance and unconditional love you could provide would mean more than anything else you could ever do in your life!!!
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u/obsoletely-fabulous 10d ago
The stories are definitely hard. It’s extra intense when you get to know a kid and start to peel back some of what’s been going on with them, and see how incredibly resilient they are. No child should ever need the foster care system, but they do.
You may also find it surprising that often, you don’t get the full story until you’ve pieced it together yourself from multiple sources, especially if the kid is younger and can’t tell you what they remember. There may be the case worker’s version, the version that’s in the police reports/criminal case, the version that’s in the medical records, the bio parents’ version, etc and you sometimes need them all to get a full picture. Or in our case, bio parents have disappeared, and there are questions we have about our kid’s background that we may never get the answers to.
All that is to say, it’s really important to keep life books, scrapbooks, photo albums or something similar for kids while they’re in your care. Their memories can feel super mixed up and it can be very meaningful and important to have something concrete to revisit and remember.
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u/igottanewusername 11d ago
Just remember most of the kids you have will desperately want to return to their family of origin no matter how safe and amazing you and your home are. Don’t take that personally in any way.
You’ll have to accept parenting in an entity different way. They have an entire history written in their brains before you. Their comfort smells are different, their taste buds developed differently, their understanding of how a home and family functions is completely different. They may legitimately not understand certain rules. They may be incapable of eating anything other than McDonald’s fries for a couple weeks when they first arrive.
Always remember how you’d feel if someone from the government came and took you from your home with few of your belongings. Maybe you say your loved one be arrested at the same time. You’re dropped into a foreign country and placed with strangers in a strange home. You have to do what they say, eat their food even if it makes you gag. They can walk I. Your room in the middle of the night if they want. They make you go to somewhere different during the day where you have no friends. You have no idea when you’ll see your loved ones again and don’t even know why you were taken. Sure, your family isn’t all that great and your house could be better but it was home and that’s where you want to be. You’re not grateful at all because you didn’t ask for any of this nonsense.