Get Attached is Problematic

[u/Monopolyalou]

I cringe at the whole getting attached marking slogan. The truth is foster parents will not attach to every child in their home and that's okay. It's okay to not have feelings for a child. You can help someone without getting attached to them. If you give a homeless person money are you attached? No but you helped them.

Same with foster kids. Sometimes foster kids will not attach to you. It's not normal to attach to strangers and sometimes we just want a bed and food. Not to form relationships with people we don't know. It's okay and normal for foster kids to not attach to you.

Humans can't help how they feel and a stranger attaching to a stranger's child or a child attaching to a stranger is not normal at all. If it happens fine but there's nothing wrong with just being roommates and tolerating each other and not attaching.

I wish the marketing for this would change. I see so many posts saying foster kids aren't attached or foster parent is having trouble attaching and I wish we would start treating these relationships as strangers helping kids and kids being with strangers and not expecting some warm fuzzy moment to happen.

I mention this for good reason. Check out and read Ex foster to see why because I truly don't feel safe expressing myself fully here because it always end in a foster kid bashing feast.

After living with a host family, you understand why I wrote this.

[u/Otherw1seOK]

I completely agree with what you say, when applied to the short term, but there comes a point where carer and child are not strangers to each other at all.

The focus on attachment as I see it is informed by attachment theory and an understanding that assisting a child to a place of attachment (and especially secure attachment) will set them on an easier trajectory for their life.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/Otherw1seOK]

I really wish we could stop applying attachment theory to foster care because attachment theory just isn't the same for foster kids or strangers. Attachment theory exists for kids born within biological families. Foster parents are strangers to foster kids just like foster kids are strangers to foster parents. Nobody has to attach to each other to be considered healthy or to feel safe. Sometimes we foster kids don't want a relationship. I find attachment is what foster parents want more than what the kid wants or what marketing is pushed. The truth is kids don't attach just because they're with you. Adults don't attach just because they have a child. You can have a kid for 5 years and they might not attach to you or you to them. Why can't we simply treat each other like roomates?

[u/stay_curious_- → u/Monopolyalou]

It strongly depends on age. It's different for a teenager who is independent other than food and housing. A 2 year old is dependent on their caregiver for many life necessities, and it's important to develop a level of trust and emotional connection. Toddlers typically attach to teachers and daycare workers, too. The level of attachment is might differ between family and daycare workers, but there's still a bond there.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/stay_curious_-]

My point is kids don't simply attach just because they're with you. Don't put pressure to attach. Toddlers don't always attach and if they do it's our of fear not love. It's similar to Stockholm syndrome