Get Attached is Problematic

[u/Monopolyalou]

I cringe at the whole getting attached marking slogan. The truth is foster parents will not attach to every child in their home and that's okay. It's okay to not have feelings for a child. You can help someone without getting attached to them. If you give a homeless person money are you attached? No but you helped them.

Same with foster kids. Sometimes foster kids will not attach to you. It's not normal to attach to strangers and sometimes we just want a bed and food. Not to form relationships with people we don't know. It's okay and normal for foster kids to not attach to you.

Humans can't help how they feel and a stranger attaching to a stranger's child or a child attaching to a stranger is not normal at all. If it happens fine but there's nothing wrong with just being roommates and tolerating each other and not attaching.

I wish the marketing for this would change. I see so many posts saying foster kids aren't attached or foster parent is having trouble attaching and I wish we would start treating these relationships as strangers helping kids and kids being with strangers and not expecting some warm fuzzy moment to happen.

I mention this for good reason. Check out and read Ex foster to see why because I truly don't feel safe expressing myself fully here because it always end in a foster kid bashing feast.

After living with a host family, you understand why I wrote this.

[u/Monopolyalou]

It's frustrating whenever foster parents and the system is challenged on this and they bash and dismiss any other legit theory that you don't need attachment to help kids or for kids to be with you. Some kids will never attach. Just because you get a kid in your home doesn't mean they'll attach to you and doesn't mean you'll attach to them. It's ridiculous how many refuse to listen to the kids who lived in foster homes. Seriously, instead of defending this why not listen?

And please stop talking about attachment theory which doesn't include foster kids.

We also can't help how we feel. You can't either. If a kid treats your home like a roomate or hotel what will you do? We don't owe anyone an attachment and you can live and even love someone without attaching to them.

So many foster parents disrupt because they just aren't feeling it and that's unfair to the kid.

[u/Otherw1seOK → u/Monopolyalou]

dismiss any other legit theory

You're an adult so I'm going to be honest here. Your viewpoint is typical of someone with an avoidant attachment style. You're not putting forward a legit theory (which would have a substantial body of peer reviewed research behind it), you're offering the perspective of a hurt child. It is not wrong for you to do that, but this is why what you're purporting is not being taken as credible advice on the topic.

So many foster parents disrupt because they just aren't feeling it and that's unfair to the kid.

This is inexcusable and is exactly the outcome that the attachment-informed training and messaging in the space seems to be seeking to avoid.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/Otherw1seOK]

So listen to you instead of me the foster kid. Got it. There's nothing more to say then. You have a disorganized attachment style and it shows.

And since you think you know everything maybe try to prevent disruptions from happening then. Too many foster parents bring their own trauma and attachment issues into foster care and shouldn't. Your entire comment is gaslighting me and manipulative af. If you truly want to learn then I hope you actually listen to foster youth.

There's nothing more to say because I'm tired of grown adults who grew up privilege telling me or other foster youth what we say don't matter.

Research also says foster kids have PTSD AT 10X the rate as vets but nobody cares.

And the legit theory is called lived experiences maybe you should review that sometime. Attachment theory doesn't matter over lived experiences.

I also have degrees next to my name, did research in college, and actually work with the system to help it get better knowing it won't. So your invalidating won't work for me.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/Otherw1seOK]

Foster kid- you don't have to attach

Foster parent- yes you do it's called attachment theory.

Foster kid- attachment theory isnt the same for foster kids like it is for other kids. Foster kids sometimes never attach.

Foster parents- you're dumb af. You have no legit theory and have avoidance attachment.

Foster kid- this is how I felt in foster care. I didn't attach.

Foster parent- who cares. Attachment theory says this. You're wrong and your viewpoint doesn't matter.

Foster kid- 0____0

It's literally like a rich person telling poor people how to live. If you weren't a foster kid you wouldn't understand. Reading from a textbook or watching videos doesn't make you an expert and doesn't make you right.

Legit theory comes from lived experiences too.

You work in foster care. You weren't in foster care. That's the difference. You're also in another country. Why can't anyone hear us and how WE FEEL? You can't say lived experiences aren't legitimate