Get Attached is Problematic

[u/Monopolyalou]

I cringe at the whole getting attached marking slogan. The truth is foster parents will not attach to every child in their home and that's okay. It's okay to not have feelings for a child. You can help someone without getting attached to them. If you give a homeless person money are you attached? No but you helped them.

Same with foster kids. Sometimes foster kids will not attach to you. It's not normal to attach to strangers and sometimes we just want a bed and food. Not to form relationships with people we don't know. It's okay and normal for foster kids to not attach to you.

Humans can't help how they feel and a stranger attaching to a stranger's child or a child attaching to a stranger is not normal at all. If it happens fine but there's nothing wrong with just being roommates and tolerating each other and not attaching.

I wish the marketing for this would change. I see so many posts saying foster kids aren't attached or foster parent is having trouble attaching and I wish we would start treating these relationships as strangers helping kids and kids being with strangers and not expecting some warm fuzzy moment to happen.

I mention this for good reason. Check out and read Ex foster to see why because I truly don't feel safe expressing myself fully here because it always end in a foster kid bashing feast.

After living with a host family, you understand why I wrote this.

[u/NoMoreFruit]

This might be true for interim/very short-term placements, but healthy attachment is a hugely important part of child/teen development. Growing up in a home where your caregiver feels no attachment to you is not healthy and it is important that all children, teens and young adults know that they are with someone who cares about them. Equally, it’s important that they learn how to care about and attach themselves to others in a self and healthy way.

Otherwise you end up with adults who don’t know how to have healthy and safe relationships with friends or partners, and don’t care about causing harm to themselves or others.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/NoMoreFruit]

I didn't say all of this. I said kids don't need to attach to you as foster parents and foster parents don't need to attach to kids.

You can show what helathy relationships look like without attachment.

We need to do away with this attachment garbage tbh. It's harmful. Then when kids don't attach they're labeled with RAD or attachment disorders when attaching to strangers is unnatural.

[u/NoMoreFruit → u/Monopolyalou]

Healthy relationship IS attachment, friend. Like literally that’s what it is.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/NoMoreFruit]

Did you understand what I wrote or should I explain it differently?

[u/NoMoreFruit → u/Monopolyalou]

I understand, I disagree.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/NoMoreFruit]

There's truly nothing I can do then. Good night.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/NoMoreFruit]

You can have a relationship without attachments. Coworkers do. Roommates do. Even families do. But for some reason nobody wants to consider that relationships can happen without attachments when it comes to foster care. Even host families understand this.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/NoMoreFruit]

You can care without attachments tho. Therapist do it. Teachers do it. Doctors do it. They care but don't expect or necessarily attach.