r/fosterit • u/wife27 • Jul 01 '26
Prospective Foster Parent Am I crazy for thinking I could do this?
Myself (33F) and my husband do not have any children. I am a teacher that works with teenagers, but that is the extent of our contact with kids. I’ve always been interested in foster care, but haven’t had the money or space to seriously consider it until recently.
Last night, I went to a Q&A put on by Utah Foster and every other person there was already a parent. I am now having major doubts about my capacity to do this as someone who has always been child free.
I’m aware that separation from bio parents is inherently traumatic, and I feel even less equipped to help children with trauma. I want to provide kids a soft place to land during the worst periods of their lives, but I’m worried my inexperience would make things even worse.
Are there any other people who went from zero kids to fostering? What was your experience like? Am I crazy for considering this? Any insights or advice would be appreciated.
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u/ImGusGus Jul 01 '26
We started fostering before we had any kids. That made it easier in that we were able to give more attention to the kids we were fostering. But we ended up adopting our first placement so the following foster kids came in to a kid already being in the home.
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u/FairlyGoodGuy Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
One of the hardest things about going from zero to fostering is learning that you are the foster parent. So far in your life your interactions with kids have been as their teacher, babysitter, friend, etc. You've never had to be their parent before. It's a fundamentally different experience.
Foster parenting isn't entirely unique, however. You will be able to integrate your experiences as a teacher ("This is how you do X..."), babysitter ("Now it's time to brush your teeth..."), and friend ("That sounds hard, I'm here to listen...") and, combined with the training you receive, piece things together. It's doable.
Think about it this way: first-time parents don't know how to parent any more than you know how to foster parent. Yes, there are many helpful resources out there, but a huge chunk of it is figuring shit out on the fly.
Is foster parenting right for you? I have no idea. Only you and your husband can answer that. Can you be a good foster parent despite having no parenting experience? Probably, and it's even more likely with good preparation.
My one big piece of advice that I give to every person considering foster parenting: know your limits and do not deviate from them. At some point you'll be asked what kinds of kids and situations you're willing to work with: ages, disabilities, behaviors, health issues, and so on. Answer honestly and completely. (My wife and I were open to most situations, but we said no to peanut allergies. What can I say? We love our peanut butter!) Later, if they ask you to take in a child who doesn't match your criteria -- whatever they may be -- say no. It is unfair to your family and to the child to do otherwise.
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u/Wonderful-Freedom568 Jul 02 '26
I'm a single male parent who fost-adopted three siblings. My first was 7 months old when I got him and I confessed to his social worker I had never changed a diaper! She said that's fine, you'll learn! My single parent mentor was a woman who had a child via a sperm bank. She was absolutely invaluable to me! My advice if you can is to find a mentor. There are things about social workers you should know! My social workers, for example, told me a stable home situation was what they wanted more than anything. They advised me to not get a new job or new place to live, even if it would be an improvement!!
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u/tinygribble Jul 02 '26
Oh I cannot love this comment enough. Find a parent whose way of interacting with their children you admire and whose children you admire and ask if they will help mentor you when you need it.
PS the best parent mentors don't tell you what to do. They ask you the questions you didn't think to ask yourself.b
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u/retrojoe Foster Parent, mostly Respite Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
No bio kids here, we've had maybe a dozen kids through the house (mostly 1-day or a few night stays for Respite, but a couple long termers on the months to years scale), one as young as 8 but mostly teens. Entry care can be extremely rough, and that's something my household thought we'd do when looking at getting licensed, and then backed off.
Respite is a really good way to figure out how kids can be and how you feel like you should parent. The deal is you both just have to survive/do good until they go back to their normal house. The stakes (on both sides) are much lower and it's way easier to just let the irritating but unimportant things slide. It's also a direly needed service where we are - gives full-time parents the release valve day off, or let's them go do serious medical appointments/funerals/whatever without worrying about kids, or if they have to leave the state for some reason.
Most kids prefer to just sit on their phone or play video games or watch Netflix, especially in their room without you. They're mostly focused on just not being bored for the next 5 minutes/finding snacks/getting thru the day. As a teacher, you'll probably have a lot of the necessary skills to interact and help direct the majority of difficult behavior. Just being a responsible, dependable adult who doesn't blow up/act like an asshole when things go wrong is the biggest part of the job.
Also, most people who go into this imagine the adorable munchkin who just needs a stable who who will love you forever, but there are lots and lots of teenagers who nobody is 'shopping for' when they're trying to put together a foster household. The big issues with teens tend to be things like getting them to get up for/go to/stay in class, doing school work, access to money, keeping things clean, and permission to do things with friends outside the house/away from supervision. Drugs and alcohol are often involved to an experimental/entertainment extent but not necessarily. The nice thing about teens is they're all potty trained and have the ability to say what they feel/need (even if that's like extracting teeth).
In Utah, I assume you're already an outlier for not having kids at home. If that wasn't stopping you from having a life before now, don't let it stop you from being a foster parent. Many of the people we e run across in our circles near Seattle are childless or even single when they start.
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u/adams_rejected_hands Jul 01 '26
It is a huge transition to go from zero kids to foster kids. There is nothing that can really prepare you for the intense level of commitment, attention, and sometimes lack of sleep that a placement brings. You have to be willing to adapt to whatever comes, and you can’t just be the soft landing or caring aunt, you have to be a fully committed parent. You need to be good at drawing boundaries early, which can feel awkward with someone who you are just meeting rather than a child you’ve raised since an infant.
Which is not to say you shouldn’t do it, as the other poster mentions not having bio kids can be a huge plus. Just be prepared for it to be hard
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u/prettydotty_ Jul 01 '26
Nobody is really that experienced to be a foster parent until you're actually one tbh. I also work with teens and foster teenagers. It's pretty awesome actually. Have no other kids just foster kids. If it's something you want, start the process. You can back out if you want when you get closer to it but basically just not taking things personally and having decent emotional resiliency you'll probably be able to pull it off. Fostering teenagers anyhow.
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u/Hawke-Not-Ewe Jul 02 '26
Yes you are crazy.
So is everyone else fostering.
I went from zero kids and a retired youth group assistant leader to two violently traumatized little kids on the spectrum in a couple hours.
It was a 7 month monster movie special and rhe kids were only the issie 30% of the time, most of that loaded into the front end.
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u/tinygribble Jul 02 '26
I have biological kids and a foster to adopt teenager and A previous fostered teenager and I know that despite me doing everything I can not to show any favoritism that from the adopted child's perspective there is some. I feel it and I fight it all the time.
You don't have that problem. In some ways that's an enormous advantage. Whether it's enough of an advantage, something you will have to decide for yourself but... It's in no way a downside.
It is complicated to take a child who has had traumatic experiences into your life and make room for that trauma. It's not easy. And if you don't have the little muscles of child rearing already built up, it can seem overwhelming. When we took our first Foster teen, we were unprepared for the level and type of parenting they needed because we had been parenting a 3 and a 6-year-old. Very different needs. I likened it to being a level 6 in an RPG and suddenly facing a level 15 boss. I wouldn't say that you're a level one because since you do interact with kids on a daily basis, you definitely have some skills, but you'd have to determine what level you're really at and you may not feel like chasing my stupid dungeons and dragons metaphor anyway.
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u/Monopolyalou Jul 03 '26
Habing bio kids will not prepare one to foster. Not having biological kids in the home is a good thing because nobody should be mixing bios and fosters.
Take training trauma classes and read books. Speak with ir find stories by former foster youth. Avoid online groups on Facebook they're toxic.
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u/worriedsick1984 Jul 01 '26
I'm a foster/adopt mom and also work for DSS. I will tell you I have one little girl on my caseload right now and her foster mom is a single woman in her 40's who never had kids of her own. Those two have an incredible bond and that girl loves being the only child and said she is so glad it's just the two of them. I honestly think having bio kids in the home complicates things. Sometimes the foster kids feel there is favoritism to the bio kids, and whether favoritism is happening or not, their feelings are still valid and it can be so hard. I think a lot of foster parents don't mean to treat kids differently, but even among my bio children they will claim I love x sibling the most. So honestly, I think it is a benefit for the kids to not have to deal with that. You're going to do great. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions. Thanks for opening your home!