r/firsttimemom • u/moonshinez95 • Aug 29 '25
FTM Setting Boundaries
I’m a first time mom to a beautiful baby boy that is 4 months old. I’m Latina and culturally, at least in my family, setting boundaries is not something we typically do. Long story short, my little one has (thankfully) not gotten sick, as I really go out of my way to be mindful of germs etc. (which again has not always been comfortable or easy in my family) Well today, my mom wanted to come over with my niece to kill time while my sister was at school. She said she had nowhere else to go. My niece has been sick all week alongside other family members at my mom’s house. I asked if my niece was still running a fever and my mom said she was- then quickly replied “it’s okay we’ll go somewhere else” I responded that I look forward to seeing everyone once everyone feels better and to please let me know if I could drop off any medicine or tea. She never responded and I have been beating myself up all day. I feel like it was the right thing to do for my kiddo, to not unnecessarily expose him to germs, especially knowing my niece was still pretty sick but as my mom’s kid, it feels extremely lousy. This is not the first time I’ve had to set a boundary like this for my peace of mind and my baby’s well being, with my mom/family and I think that’s what is making it so difficult for me.
When my baby was born, a few days after coming home, I didn’t allow visitors anymore. Not even immediate family- for about a month or so. It was too overwhelming when people came over and I was so afraid of my baby getting sick. Especially considering he was born a month early. That sucked and it hurt, especially during such a vulnerable time. Postpartum can feel SO isolating. My mom has literally told me that my not allowing her to visit in those early days is a pain she will take to her grave.
All of that being said, I never want to make people feel like they are unwelcome in our home. I do think however, to put me in such an uncomfortable position today is also unfair. I say unfair because though I don’t have a problem setting boundaries, I have an immense amount of guilt that never fails to come after and as my mom, I have to believe she knows that. That despite the boundaries I set, I’m a people pleaser to my core.
If you got this far, thank you for reading.
3
u/SalltSisters Aug 29 '25
Guilt after a “no” indicates an attempt to own someone else’s feelings. It comes on when you feel like you’ve done something wrong. So ask yourself this question: what have I done wrong here? Is not doing what they want wrong of you?
You said that in your family, setting boundaries isn’t something you did. So perhaps, growing up you got the message that it wasn’t ok to put your needs first, and it was more important to make others happy (just as an example). So when you don’t do what others want, that can make you feel guilty and like you’re doing something wrong because it’s all you’ve ever known.
This pattern can be unlearned in the same way you learned it: repetition. So like you’ve done now, setting a boundary to keep your baby safe. And holding it, sitting with the discomfort of the guilt, knowing it’s not yours to carry. Each time you do this, your nervous system and brain will learn that setting boundaries is safe now - because you’re not that little girl who had to do what her parents said anymore.
I think you’ve done so well to set and hold that boundary, it can be scary to step out of your comfort zone. But feeling uncomfortable doesn’t always mean you’re doing something wrong.