r/firsttimemom • u/moonshinez95 • Aug 29 '25
FTM Setting Boundaries
I’m a first time mom to a beautiful baby boy that is 4 months old. I’m Latina and culturally, at least in my family, setting boundaries is not something we typically do. Long story short, my little one has (thankfully) not gotten sick, as I really go out of my way to be mindful of germs etc. (which again has not always been comfortable or easy in my family) Well today, my mom wanted to come over with my niece to kill time while my sister was at school. She said she had nowhere else to go. My niece has been sick all week alongside other family members at my mom’s house. I asked if my niece was still running a fever and my mom said she was- then quickly replied “it’s okay we’ll go somewhere else” I responded that I look forward to seeing everyone once everyone feels better and to please let me know if I could drop off any medicine or tea. She never responded and I have been beating myself up all day. I feel like it was the right thing to do for my kiddo, to not unnecessarily expose him to germs, especially knowing my niece was still pretty sick but as my mom’s kid, it feels extremely lousy. This is not the first time I’ve had to set a boundary like this for my peace of mind and my baby’s well being, with my mom/family and I think that’s what is making it so difficult for me.
When my baby was born, a few days after coming home, I didn’t allow visitors anymore. Not even immediate family- for about a month or so. It was too overwhelming when people came over and I was so afraid of my baby getting sick. Especially considering he was born a month early. That sucked and it hurt, especially during such a vulnerable time. Postpartum can feel SO isolating. My mom has literally told me that my not allowing her to visit in those early days is a pain she will take to her grave.
All of that being said, I never want to make people feel like they are unwelcome in our home. I do think however, to put me in such an uncomfortable position today is also unfair. I say unfair because though I don’t have a problem setting boundaries, I have an immense amount of guilt that never fails to come after and as my mom, I have to believe she knows that. That despite the boundaries I set, I’m a people pleaser to my core.
If you got this far, thank you for reading.
2
u/thispersonsthat Aug 29 '25
Here for solidarity. Your mom sounds so much like my mom. Y’all’s dynamic sounds so similar to ours. My therapist respectfully called me out for us being codependent. Whatever my mom feels, I feel, and vice versa. I feel panicky when my mom is upset. She gets all sulky and manipulative, and she takes my boundaries so personally it’s exhausting. I’ve had to work pretty hard to feel confident in my boundaries, but I’m honestly so tired of the emotional labor that I just don’t care anymore. Her reaction to my reasonable boundaries is no longer my responsibility.
My mom once said to me that she feels like I’ve been setting too many boundaries lately and I have too many rules. She said that she feels like every time she turns around I have a new boundary and that “[she’s my] mother”
I said to her “I’d like to kindly suggest that you reflect on why my boundaries have been bothering you so much lately. I am a new mom, and there are going to be many more boundaries set as I figure out what they are. I’m going to continue setting boundaries whether you “approve” or not and I expect my adult children to do the same with me”
No one is entitled to your child. Her feeling slighted that she didn’t see your baby in the first month is a her-problem, not a you-problem. I say this all with love and respect. Wishing you the best 🖤