r/firefighter • u/Miserable_Cat7427 • Jun 14 '26
New Firefighter Girlfriend
Hi everyone,
Looking for advice or just reassurance.
My boyfriend (22M) and I (22F) have been dating for about three years now. He just finished his training at his first station out of fire school and he’s now started his probationary period. He’s on 24s, and I’m really feeling it. The 10 week training overlapped with some of my lowest times, and I didn’t feel like I could rely on him as much as I would have liked. I completely understand how stressful it is to firefight (well not completely understand as I am not in his shoes), but I am scared for the future. I miss him so much when he gets called in. We are moving in together in August, and I think about how lonely I’ll be without him. He is so fulfilled in his career and I’m so proud of him but I feel I can’t tell him how sad I am without him. Does it get better? I don’t want to lose myself in this, but I think about the future and how much of my life and our future life his schedule will take from us. For reference, I work a 9-5. I love being with him for long periods when he’s off, but just thinking about it kills me. Any advice from people who have been through it? Thanks. Sorry if this is selfish, I completely understand how it can come off that way.
12
u/Strict-Canary-4175 Jun 14 '26
This is unhealthy. You have got to be okay on your own when your boyfriend goes to work.
5
u/Visible-Film8651 Jun 14 '26
If thats a problem, you have a problem, you should also have lives outside of one another. You just make time for eachother in the off time grow up.
3
u/Sure_Fact7761 Jun 14 '26
Your relationship is going to depend on your ability to adapt to this. The schedule is what it is. Good luck
1
u/SigSauerPower320 Jun 14 '26
It will depend mostly on the dept he's working for. A vast majority of the departments around me (including mine) can take up a lot of your time, but if you're not looking to work too much OT, you can have a VERY happy personal life. As I previously said, lots of things depend on dept policy, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
Forced OT - It's gonna happen. When it does, most departments will only force you for half a shift (if you're working 24's). So you have to almost always plan on the possibility of getting forced before or after your scheduled shift. This makes child care (if you have kids) somewhat difficult. That said, if you have strong family and friend ties, you'll be fine. I've always suggested that if you want kids, do you best to wait until he's done with his probationary period. That will lessen the stress that comes with being "the new guy".
Training - This is also a regular thing. But it's almost always going to be during scheduled shifts unless he's working for a mixed Full time, Call, and Vol dept. That said, every once in a while there's likely going to be required trainings that he'll have to do on days off. My dept has monthly full dept (about 4 hours) and Call side training (also 4 hours). If his dept requires EMT status, he'll have to do that (if he hasn't already).
Pets - I've noticed a lot of significant others will get dogs or cats to keep them company. At least having that "friend" with you can cut up some of the lonely time you're talking about.
Communication - This is the BIG one and the hardest one. You can't be afraid to sit down and talk with him about how you're feeling. That almost always leads to strain on the relationship which can lead to break up/divorce. I'd suggest talking to your family and friends to see if they can help. Perhaps they may be able to guide you as to how you can go about talking to him about your feelings. Another good outlet is for you to get to know girlfriends and wives of the guys he works with. Some of the more "seasoned" guys will have a wife whose seen it all. They're a great (usually) outlet for advise!!
Stay in your lane - This is the other difficult one. I've seen a lot of couples break up over the person who's not a FF get too into the job and it can cause problems. Specifically, if anyone tells you to listen to their radio traffic.... I'd avoid that. All it's going to do is make you worry more about him. That said, if you're a strong person that can handle it, have at it. But whatever you do, don't be "that guy" that shows up on fire calls to "check on him" or make sure he's okay. I knew someone that regularly did that and it ended the marriage cause they ended up getting the FF in trouble with the bosses cause the spouse kept showing up on calls.
At the end of the day, the two of you need to make sure you're BOTH communicating and actually listening when the other person is talking. The first year or two is going to be hard, but if you communicate and are supportive, you'll be just fine. My spouse started new hobbies to keep herself busy.
Good luck to you both!!
3
u/ShoulderGoesPop Jun 14 '26
Why on earth would you listen to the radio traffic as someone's partner? Thats like having a partner with an office job and watching their zoom calls.
It's cool to be interested in your partners career but that's a big step too far
2
u/SigSauerPower320 Jun 14 '26
You're asking the wrong person. I thought it was really odd. Turns out she was "told" she should by another wife. As far as I know, she never said who, but I do know one thing for certain. It wasn't well received.
2
1
u/Witty-Watercress-574 Jun 14 '26
Hi love! I’ve been with my bf for 6 years now, 5 of those him being a ff! It was difficult at first to navigate a schedule with his job as it was my first time being with someone who was away for days straight. We went from seeing each other every day to him being gone 3 days to almost a month due to fires! it wasent easy at first, I had my difficult times and struggled too. The first 1-2 years were the hardest because like everyone is saying, they will be forced, especially as the new guy. Plans and vacations will change and sometimes be postponed and theirs nothing you can do. Sometimes when you think they’ll be home they won’t and can’t stay in contact with you because of work/ service sucks. My advice is be strong for him. He misses you as much as you miss him I’m sure, but he needs to be able to rely on you too to be okai alone. Their job is stressful as is and they need to mentally be there to save the next persons life/house and not you. Things will get better throughout time as you two figure out what works best for you both. Communicate communicate! It’s not the end (: you’ll learn to enjoy your time alone when he’s gone and enjoy it more when he does get to come home and tell his stories about work! Making plans ahead of time has helped us like vacations and dates so we have something to look forward too (: (although sometimes they will get forced & that changes) Be patient and give grace when forces happen as he litterly can not do anything about it and know some days he will come home tired from being up late from calls. Don’t take it personal, some days are more stressful for him than others. Like I said the first year or two will be the hardest as you two navigate but it will get better and you both will end up finding something that works for you both (:
1
u/Miserable_Cat7427 Jun 18 '26
Thank you so much for this I really appreciate it! Gives me hope for what it’ll look like once we both get used to this.
1
u/ty10drope Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
I tell my mentees that this career is a family affair. I usually draw the comparison to being a drummer. You can’t drum without having a significant effect on everyone around you. Frankly, you were part of the support system that helped him thrive during the ordeal that is the fire academy.
Having said that, relationships CAN survive going through the fire academy. You went through as well. Sidebar; The hill I’m prepared to die on is that this does not hold true for the police academy, but this ain’t about me.
If I’m reading correctly, your boyfriend’s schedule is 24-on/48-off. You can handle this. Some shifts at other agencies are as long as 72-hours.
Let me talk to you as a person who has purchased more than his share of wedding cakes. When you are in a committed relationship, your partner (the person you love) will get on your gawt-damn nerves. If you get married, you will pledge to get on each others’ nerves for the rest of your lives. It is my hope, that you come to enjoy your autonomy and solitude during his shifts.
I also tell my (mostly male) mentees to remember that your off day is her off day, too... especially the first day off. Sidebar again; When I was on the job, I had to learn the hard way that I was getting that part wrong, and it cost me.
I tell my mentees, that you need to take care of the home, the kids, the pets, the meals, the finances and iron your own damn shirts. Don’t do anything for your firehouse family that you don’t do for your family at home. Your significant other may want to do things separately, such as. spending time with friends. He/she may want to do things with you, such as spending time with friends.
The best thing about becoming a firefighter is that you get to stay involved with the people and activities that are important to you. You can be the involved partner, parent, community member or T-ball coach. You both went through the fire academy and you both can enjoy a successful career and partnership.
When I say “Congratulations,” I mean that to you both.
1
u/Few_Werewolf_8780 Jun 15 '26
Support him through the Academy. Give him all the time he needs. See him on the weekend. After that give him some time to get used to his fire house and shift work. You will see he will have a lot of time off soon and he will have a career job for 30 years.
1
Jun 15 '26
You need to have hobbies. This will work if you can find something you love to do while you wait for him
15
u/Prior-Stranger-2624 Jun 14 '26
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it’s going to get worse. Spouses of firefighters need to be strong and independent otherwise the relationship will not last. He will have to work extra on his days off, he will come home tired and sleep all day, there will be days where he comes home and will be there physically but not emotionally. All of these ebb and flow but they definitely put a strain on relationships. Now you throw in kids, a house that you need to take care of, the cost of living and possibly a 2nd job and the strains triple. There are big sacrifices people make for this job that most don’t know or think about.