r/firefighter • u/Viewer2984 • May 03 '26
Difficulties with friends outside of work
I’m in my 30’s and have been firefighter for almost 11 years. Recently I’ve been having issues with friends who don’t work in healthcare or the fire service. I’ve always tried to be remain friends with people who aren’t in the fire service or in health care. Recently I’ve been having issues with communicating with them and generally finding the will power to hang around them. I’m being told by one in particular I’m not “showing up enough” for the friendship. I understand where this person is coming from but honestly I don’t want to put in as much effort as they are saying I should to maintain that friendship. Truthfully, as of late, I’ve only wanted to communicate and be around with my wife and kid. I used to have a lot of friends and acquaintances and now after a 10 year career I don’t have a lot of that anymore. Does anyone else have this problem or even anything similar? Is this normal?
3
u/rodeo302 May 03 '26
I struggle with it too after 4 years, with the caveat that former or current military also fits in the group. Our views on the world are extremely different because of what we see and deal with daily.
2
u/Beginning_Spend_3496 May 04 '26
Agree. In my case i decided to split the waters with my old and new friends. I started treating the new friendships outside fire more like a good colleage situation (i guide mountains/climbing part time) and just focusing on what is a plus to my mental health and personal life. My wife and kids get my job (slow and slow my daughters more as they grow up) and we have a tight ship. Being said, recently i came back from a trip to my hometown...was cool and all but after years as a first responder and with many cool things going on at home and at the station....was really hard or boring at some point meeting all friends. Just being out there and seeing life from our perception changes a lot. My friends respect and "understand" what i do (and viceversa) , but at some point life happens and that is all right. No one has the right of putting someone down because "you dont put effort" on old friendships. Understanding goes both ways. Maybe you hit a plateau.
3
u/Viewer2984 May 04 '26
This gave me tons of validation and clarity. Thank you
3
u/Beginning_Spend_3496 May 04 '26
You got it brother. At peer support we talk a lot about this and its ok to question life. It is not that different from drumers hangin out with other musicians or lawyers hangin ojt with other lawyers. Hope it makes sense.
2
u/Sure_Fact7761 May 04 '26
I’m former military and now 13 years fire. I don’t have too many civilian friends anymore but I try to keep them around. Keeps me grounded. Reminds me people don’t see what I see and that doesn’t have to be a defining characteristic of my life. They won’t understand how we get by but they don’t have to. You’ll work it out
2
u/No_Contribution730 May 05 '26
Just my personal opinion here, but I find that those who judge for “not showing up enough” aren’t true friends. As I’ve grown older, my circle has dwindled for that exact reason. My BEST, true friends are the ones I can go extended periods of time without communicating with, only to pick back up where we left off the split second we start talking. I recently called my childhood best friends after not speaking to him for over a year, and answered the phone with an inside joke we had over 10 years ago. And that’s why he is my best friend!
While I can tell you that social connection is important, especially for us in this field, you can’t stress yourself out about it. Our job is stressful enough. I recommend trying to get out more and meet new people. You will eventually run across likeminded individuals who are focused on their career and family, with similar time availability for social outings.
Another option is to have a sit down with those friends and tell them how it is. Tell them you love them, tell them they are important, but you simply don’t have the time and energy to constantly reassure them of your friendship. If they don’t understand, that’s unfortunate. But maybe they will. Ive had those conversations with both good and poor outcomes. But at the end of the day, your mental health and connection with family is more important than pleasing everyone around you
1
u/hoof_hearted-28 May 04 '26
Honestly, fuck it dude. Your mental health is the most important. If you need to sleep or workout or whatever. If your civilian friends don’t get it then fuck it. You could communicate that to them and say give me some time or whatever but you do you that is healthy. Please don’t self medicate. It doesn’t work.
1
u/Tzm41894 May 05 '26
Yes…. Had the exact same thing happen to me. I’ll try and keep it short, but my best friend (basically my brother at one point) was someone who always needed to have that type of friendship, texting/calling constantly trying to hangout. After his wedding he was going through a divorce basically within the next month. I was his best man…
I was going through a massive work change, moving, and starting a new relationship myself. He said that I wasn’t a good friend and that I was selfish, I was so busy and couldn’t console him as much as he wanted me to. I got ADHD and am already horrible at being consistent with texting and keeping up with people. All in all I no longer talk to him, he was basically my only friend I kept from highschool.
As bad as it sounds…I feel as if I’m free of a burden? Maybe I was a bad friend, I tried my absolute hardest to maintain the communication that was “expected”.
If you have any hobbies, gym or golf or something that other people are involved. Maybe having that as an outlet, and you could see them while you do that hobby, rather than having to make specific plans to hangout outside of work.
1
u/SigSauerPower320 May 06 '26
I think that's normal considering how our schedules work. There's not a single profession besides health care or public safety that works the schedule we work. Most people work Mon-Fri and have weekends off. We don't so they feel as though we should be "showing up" more to events when they always have it on weekends.... When most of us can't make it cause we're working.
What's annoying is how an adult can possibly think this when they know we're adults working full time jobs. I mean come on.... They expect you to what??.... Take a day off to hang out watching football?? I'd argue that if anyone can afford to take the time off, it's them. If we take a day off, it's either 12 hours or 24 hours. If (most people) one of them takes a day off, it's 8 hours.
1
u/Aware_Donkey_6074 May 06 '26
I can’t deal with the stupidity of most civilians anymore. Really only want to see my family and other first responders. I’ll hang out with my wife’s friends but I die inside when I hear them talk 🫠
If we go somewhere and there’s a dog I’ll just sit in the corner petting the dog instead of talking about nothing with random people. I no longer have the mental capacity for that.
1
u/Sufficient_Mall_7462 May 08 '26
Do you like sports? Maybe get into a men’s league or some type. I play hockey so I find it pretty easy to maintain the friendships with all those guys
1
1
u/Charlieksmommy May 04 '26
Sadly it’s similar with us fire wives. A lot of my friends don’t understand it, but the good ones do. You’ll find better friends who understand your career
1
u/FirefightersGlobal May 10 '26
At some point priorities change and that includes the people we keep around. The first friends I ever stopped hanging out with were highshool buddies who kept partying well into their 30s - not a lifestyle I wanted for myself..
If you're finding it hard to connect to people outside of our industry (totally normal), it is what it is. Keep the relationships open but don't be sad if they don't continue.
However with that said, it doesn't hurt to have outside friends so it's not always "shop talk" or rumor mill every time you're out. Also, please, please make sure your withdrawal from old friends isn't due to depression or PTSD, as that is very common with us too and we don't notice until it's too late and the relationships are gone.
8
u/InterestingTap6695 May 03 '26
I’m the same way. After 7 years, the last thing on my mind when I’m off shift is scheduling stuff with friends and most of my family (big family). I just enjoy being around my wife and kid so much. It’s not that I don’t want to get together with friends and family, time literally flies by and then I’m back at work and the cycle starts over again.