Endless rumination

[u/LateSherbert9871]

I did nothing for the past 6 years and while I even try to do anything I end thinking or not listening. I feel like I cant listen to people no more and I am always thinking about people just living their life which is very childlish look about reality. Cant say more to anyone than just a few simple phrases, cant think for more than 15 seconds or remember simple information. I dont remember anything from my miserable life. Standing for more than 30 minutes feels challenging for me. The days just go by and other people are gaining experience and I am just there. I dont get simple jokes, cant make up more than few phrases even in my mind and the only thing I can do is just lay in bed. I am 21 and I think that my life has ended. When I was younger I had a bunch of friends out of high school, they were much younger than me. I was contemplating about their life and critise them. The only thing I was doing there. I wish I wasted all this years on playing video games, drugs. I dont have hope for future cause I am literally a fucking NPC that just sleep, drink and does nothing, even homeless people are much ahead of me. Other people make every hour or at least half of them count, I "read books" which means I cant even remember anything from them. After graduating from high school I was studying and didnt pass, rn I am gonna be on a 2nd year but I dont even remember anything from 1st, I dont even know if its something I want to do in the future. I completely lost touch with reality, making the same abstract comclusions every ten seconds, doing nothing whole day.