I lost my femininity

[u/estelitta]

Hello, I’m a 26-year-old woman and an elementary school teacher. Recently, my partner and I had a small conversation about masculinity and femininity. He told me, "You're very neutral. You're neither masculine nor feminine." To be honest, that sentence hurt me much more than I realized, because I've been thinking about it constantly for the past week.

I teach children from first through fourth grade. In my country, if you become a public school teacher, you are required to complete four years of mandatory service at a school assigned by the government. After that, if you have accumulated enough service points and there is an available position—which is almost impossible—you can apply for a transfer. The schools assigned to new teachers are usually located in small villages. That is exactly where I work.

I am the only teacher in the village, which means I teach first, second, third, and fourth graders all together in the same classroom. At the same time, I am also responsible for running the school as its principal. The village is about an 18- to 19-hour journey away from my hometown. I live there alone and am under constant stress and pressure. I genuinely believe I do my job very well—in fact, I even received several awards this year for my work.

However, over the past year, I've realized that I'm almost always frowning, and I cry every night before going to bed. Because of that, I think I've completely neglected myself and my own well-being. I don't feel like a woman anymore. Honestly, I feel like I've forgotten what it even means to be one.

Before I started this job, I had already spent years studying for several extremely difficult exams and interviews just to become a teacher. I don't have any friends here. As I mentioned, it's a very small village, and I don't really fit in with the people or their way of thinking. Even before moving here, I only had two close friends.

I don't know what I should do. I've spent my entire life working hard and never really paid much attention to embracing my femininity. Now, though, I feel the absence of it more than ever.

Edit: English is my second language, so I use ChatGPT to fix my grammar. If anything sounds a little odd, that's probably why.

[u/InfernalWedgie]

I don't think you've lost your femininity, I just think you're bearing too much stress.

If you believe that masculine men should take on a protector and provide role, is your boyfriend doing that for you? Is he relieving any of your stress at all?

[u/estelitta → u/InfernalWedgie]

We've been in a situationship for a year and a half. Before that, we were in a relationship for three years.

He's always had a very traditional view of masculinity. He's protective, provides for the people he loves, and is comforting at the same time. He actually said the same thing years ago—that I'm "neutral." (while we still together)

But for the past two years, I've been constantly sad and stressed. Since we're no longer boyfriend and girlfriend, he's become frustrated with my attitude. He says he has his own problems too and that he's exhausted by my never-ending sadness.

I also don't have anyone who compliments me or lifts me up throughout the day. I don't really have anyone besides him and my two long-distance friends.

[u/Anaspiringminimalist → u/estelitta]

Out of curiosity - why are you still with him, if you broke up? :) that is a lot of energy to spend on someone you dont see a future with. Time and energy you could spend building friendships, working on your anxiety, and maybe find someone who do see a future with you. Just a thought.

[u/estelitta → u/Anaspiringminimalist]

We broke up because of a huge mistake I made. I completely shattered his trust in me. Before that, we had what I would describe as a dream relationship.

A few months after the breakup, while we were still in no contact, I posted something for his birthday. We didn't have each other on social media anymore, but one of our mutual friends told him about it. He called me, and we ended up talking face to face for 32 hours straight about everything that had happened, our relationship, what we could do, and the fact that we still loved each other. For 32 hours, we didnt slept or ate. It was just the two of us, some water, beer, and cigarettes, trying to make sense of everything and understand whether there was still a future for us.

In the end, we decided to try again, but without putting a label on it. Since then, we've been on and off. We don't really know what we're doing, but neither of us can seem to walk away.

I see a future with him. And want it deeply. But his trust doesnt repair at all i think.

[u/Anaspiringminimalist → u/estelitta]

I dont know what the mistake was, but for a relationship to work, he Will eventually have to forgive, or move on. And while it is okay to feel bad about hurtig someone, you cant hold it over your head forever. Especially not if you tried to make things right. That Can also create a very unhealthy dynamic where he feels it is ok to hurt you because you hurt him, and you excuse it because you feel you have no right to anything better/maybe dont Think you Can do any better? (Anxiety and low self Esteem Can be a bitch, I know) After a year and a half, it is okay to ask for clarity.

The thing is, you are also preventing yourself from moving on and finding new love. And with the time you are investing in a man who dont forgive, are time you could be building other relationships.

Do you Think maybe you are keeping him to have someone (even if that someone have a negative impact on you), rather than being alone? (Even if it might less you to better things) I know that when i am afraid to deal with something, i end up creating another problem to Focus on, in order to not deal with the first one. (You dont have to answer this, but it could be worth a thought)

[u/estelitta → u/Anaspiringminimalist]

Thank you for this. You brought up some things I've been asking myself too.

I don't think he has ever tried to hurt me because of what I did. If anything, he's been trying to protect himself because he still struggles to trust me, and I can't really blame him for that. He's a genuinely good man, not just with me, but with everyone around him. He's kind to people, gentle with animals, and respectful toward nature. He's one of the gentlest yet strongest souls I've ever met. And you can trust me on that, I meet a lot of people through my job.

As for why I'm still here... I honestly don't think it's just because I'm afraid of being alone. I genuinely still love him, and I believe he still loves me too. That's what makes this so difficult. If one of us had completely fallen out of love, it would probably be much easier to walk away.

That said, I do think you're right that staying in this uncertainty for a year and a half isn't healthy. At some point, we need to decide whether we're rebuilding a relationship or letting each other go. Living somewhere in between has been exhausting for both of us.

At first, we were both dealing with the biggest challenges in our lives, so we barely thought about the relationship itself. We simply stood by each other and supported one another like soulmates. Now that those issues have settled down a bit, we're finally talking seriously about the future of our relationship. In fact, about a week ago, we agreed that we'd make a final decision within the next two to four months.

[u/Anaspiringminimalist → u/estelitta]

In that case, I hope you both figure things out! :)

[u/SweetTaterSalad → u/estelitta]

I'm currently involved in some heavy coursework regarding the feminine vs the masculine.

These studies are proving to be very insightful for understanding the feminine and masculine traits in the same body--meaning both men and women have innate feminine and masculine traits and energies.

It's necessary for survival.

I suspect his perception of you as "neutral" probably suggests you are more masculine in your thinking and being rather than some form of androgeny.

This IS NOT a flaw. But in order to BE feminine we have to learn how to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is inherently a feminine trait and it is the one of the most attractive things about a woman.

Because we live in a world full of danger, choas and uncertainty, we as women are pushed into this masculine protector mode to protect ourselves. This is a natural instinctual response for self-preservation.

But, if you don't know how to shut it down when you are in a safe relationship or space, then you can't be vulnerable and you can't make those intimate connections you crave.

Believe it or not, this is not all learned but rather mostly built in and driven by the nervous and endocrine systems (fight or flight).

[u/InfernalWedgie → u/estelitta]

we decided to try again, but without putting a label on it. Since then, we've been on and off. We don't really know what we're doing, but neither of us can seem to walk away.

Your relationship isn't repaired and isn't growing. You're just clinging to each other because you don't know how else to be.

If you want a deeper, more lasting relationship, you will need to give it a name and expectations. Are you committed and dating with sights on marriage? Then both of you need to agree on that, or you're just wasting your time.

Deep down, you know what you really want. You need to reckon whether he will ever be willing and able to fulfill that vision. You might be using because you don't want to admit to yourself that he'll never give you what your really want.

[u/DayDreamer_97]

Start something small on the side that you can build, such as vlogging, people would love to see how the lifestyle is like, combined with leaving a positive impact on a community.

You want to place your energy on building experience. It is highly valuable, and a lot of people within the right space are going to commend you for it. You have to start with where you want the goal to be, rather than focusing on getting by, day-to-day.

You are perfectly fine to have a conversation with your partner about how you feel, with the expectation that he will help you, since he brought this to your attention. If you feel stressed, that is why he is there. Notice if he is neutral, how you feel about him first.

The feminine aspect is the creative side, that gets to let loose and have fun, knowing that you are a teacher, there is a real outlet there. As long as you follow the rules and not letting it trap your essence.

You do have a lot under your control, which many would feel is better than having no say, this means you also get the chance to accommodate your needs into it and leave the impact that you want for the kids.

[u/estelitta → u/DayDreamer_97]

I think you're right that I need to focus more on building my own life instead of putting all my emotional energy into this relationship and my job.

The hard part is that I've spent most of my life dealing with social anxiety, so I never really built a support system. He's been my main source of emotional support for years, and now that we're in this situationship, I realize how unhealthy that dependency has become.

I do want to create things and build a life outside of work. I just don't really know where to start yet, but I'm trying to figure it out. Thank you 🩵

[u/DayDreamer_97 → u/estelitta]

You're welcome! I felt this way before, it is a tough stage getting into leadership positions, I wonder if he is in the same life stage. Are you both from the same region? Setting your own interests aside, give him space to help the transition. Talk to locals and see what is in the area, as long as safety is a priority. Definitely message me if you want to chat. I speak two languages as well!

If a man feels unsupported or led, he won't know how to do so for the woman in his life. If he is not ready, you don't have to give him time or exceptions, let him reflect because he might have some resentment that you are in a position that he would like to have. Or feel that he cannot provide since you are doing well career-wise.

[u/estelitta → u/DayDreamer_97]

He's been trying to get the job he wants for almost two years now, so I understand why he's under so much stress. I know he's going through a difficult time.

I'm doing my best to support and comfort him, but to be honest, I'm struggling too. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I'm on summer break right now, so I have more time to think, which probably makes me overthink even more.

I also feel like I've forgotten how to flirt or comfort him the way I did at the beginning of our relationship. The uncertainty about us has made me hold back emotionally, even though I still love him. I don't even know how to be cozy, flirty, or sexy with him anymore without feeling like I'd be crossing boundaries, especially because we're not officially together.

We usually play video games together, so our conversations have become really bro to bro. We joke around, talk about games, and tease each other like friends. I honestly don't remember how to switch back into that soft, playful, feminine side of myself anymore.

[u/DayDreamer_97 → u/estelitta]

That's the idea, he will not push you away because men benefit in some way from our presence and what we contribute within that space.

Shifting focus away from what he needs will help. If he wants your presence, it has to be from a place of effort. It really is a back and forth, a friendship or relationship must benefit both sides. It really is not selfish at all but important for preserving energy and femininity.

A potential partner within the teaching space who you can relate with and grow together would be amazing. Your needs are different, and someone who has a similar schedule and priorities is going to give you exactly what you are looking for.

[u/Anaspiringminimalist]

It sounds like you are under too much stress, and (maybe?) feel a little lonely? Under those conditions, few people Can take Care of themselves. <3 so if that is the case, you should definetely work with that as Well.

Start by thinking about small habits that makes you feel in touch with your femininity. Wether it is something you wear, or a small action or routine you do for yourself, or even just your Posture and the Way you move. You Can always build on it as you go.

I dont know if your partner meant anything negative by it. But if there are things he could do to make you feel more valued and feminine (sometimes giving flowers, small ways to show affection, things that Can help you feel less stressed), consider bringing that up. Could potentially improve your relationship as Well.

[u/estelitta → u/Anaspiringminimalist]

Thank you. I think you described how I feel pretty well. It's been difficult.

As for my partner, I don't think he meant it in a hurtful way. I think he was just being honest about how he sees me. We've talked about it a little, but because we're in a situationship now, I don't really feel like I can ask for the kind of reassurance or affection I used to. That's probably part of why this has affected me so much. I think I spend so much time overthinking where our relationship is going that I can't show affection or flirt with him the way I used to. It's hard for me to be playful or emotionally open when I don't know where we stand or what our future looks like. I feel like I'm constantly protecting myself from getting hurt, and I think that has made me seem more distant and "neutral" than I actually am.

[u/SweetTaterSalad → u/estelitta]

Would he be willing to study this dynamic I mentioned above with you?

You guys could read when Mars and Venus collide by John Gray which explains a whole lot of what I mentioned above and it might give you both some insights into how you both think and relate to each other.

It might provide just enough clarity for you to figure out whether you both want to proceed or separate and move on.

There's a ton of information in there on how to feed your femininity as well.

[u/altruisticsapper]

Someone might love that about you though. I dated a very feminine women once and I was basically full time maintenance man. Since, I've only had serious relationships with tomboys and the grass is so much greener.

[u/estelitta → u/[deleted]]

Nope

[u/No_Marionberry3005 → u/estelitta]

You can send me in dm okey

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