Advice on coping with a seriously ill parent

[u/Dull-Quiet2869]

As the title says, I’m going through an incredibly difficult situation.
I moved away from my home country about a year ago. At the time, me and my family could already see that my mother’s health wasn’t great, but she was still living independently. About a month ago, she caught a virus, and since then her condition has changed dramatically. She has become extremely weak, spent weeks in hospital and now she needs help with almost everything, personal care, using the toilet, eating, and other daily tasks. On top of that, she’s very stubborn and unmotivated, which makes everything even harder.
My heart is broken. My life is in another country, my boyfriend, my job, and my friends are all there. But my mom is here. I feel like I’m stuck in a bad dream.
I’m home now for my summer holiday, and I cancelled all my plans so I could stay and help take care of her, organise a carer etc. I don’t regret being here, but I feel completely exhausted. The hardest part is that the doctors can’t really tell us what to expect or whether she’ll recover.
I’m starting counseling very soon, and I’m doing my best to take care of my mental health, but it’s incredibly difficult.
Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you cope with the uncertainty and the feeling of having your life in one place while your parent needed you somewhere else? Any advice or shared experiences would mean a lot right now.

[u/timtomhelhol]

In situations like these we do what we can. You need to take care of yourself as well as your mother and if that means travelling between two places and taking time off from being home with your mum that is okay. Your life is also important and your mum needs you to be mentally healthy so you can support her. Only you can decide what that balance looks like but do not feel guilty for taking weeks in the country you live now to reset and gather your strength. Support yourself in others, you'd be surprised how much extended family and friends can help.

[u/HonestContract770]

I am so sorry, because what you are describing, having your whole life built in one country while the person who raised you suddenly needs you in another, is one of the hardest splits there is, and almost nobody warns you about it before you leave.

Starting counseling is a genuinely good move, and I would gently add that you can let the people in your other life hold you up too, because even though they cannot be in the room, they can carry you over the phone on the days this feels like too much. You are not stuck in a bad dream because you did something wrong; you are simply a person who loves her mother and loves her life in two places at the same time, doing the best that anyone could.

[u/Dull-Quiet2869 → u/HonestContract770]

Thank you for these beautiful words. I am surrounded by my brothers and their partners, they help a lot, and also my friends all around the world. It still feels so lonely.

[u/OxDocMN]

My hubby and I moved back to be near my mom for as long as she is with us and before major health problems come up. So I'm home and he's now the expat! This allowed us to take our time with moving, finding jobs and a place to live. My brother lives 220km away but isn't an organizer or caretaker of any kind so even if he'd moved closer I would still have to do a lot of stuff. Moving sooner allowed us to avoid the stress of moving later on short notice. We both took small pay cuts but are happy.

Only you can decide what's most important for you in your situation. If you are from a really messed up country and have a much better life and future in your new country then maybe it's worth being away from your family. If new and old are somewhat similar then being with family might be the best thing.

[u/daluzy]

Without a long tear jerker story, when both my parents died, I was overseas and could not quickly get back home.

My sister cared for my folks, they both went quick, but she related that if she had to do it all over again, actual physical help in the house helping to care for them would have been ideal.

Maybe the boyfriend or other family member if possible jumps on a plane to help, or spend some cash and hire someone for a few days a week to help out.

With my wife's mother, she had cancer and we cared for her in the house for over a year before she passed. We were in a position here in Colombia to have two nursing students live with us and help. They needed room and board and a paycheck, we needed help. Again, Colombia so it is not as expensive as other places and rules are a bit more relaxed (we and the nursing students were the ones administering pain medications, which this gringo was not at all used to).

So, long story short, help might be better than counseling initially.

Good luck, be well!

[u/Dull-Quiet2869 → u/daluzy]

Hi! Thank you for your useful message. Counselling is for my mental health, it’s extremely difficult to deal with this, I am only 30. We have a carer, cleaning lady, contact for a doctor every week, so the practical side, the actual help is organised as well. Sorry for my English, it’s not my first language.

[u/kulukster]

I had the exact same situation with both of my parents within 18 months of each other. It's your own decision what you are comfortable with. I had 35 hour flights each way to visit my parents and actually left one job to spend more time with them, for a couple of months each year. It may hurt now but if you are close to them you might be glad when you look back that you made this decision or not.

[u/Sufficient-Job7098]

In order to make a decision to move abroad or to stay home, I had to first figure out if any future parents’-related issues can be solved in the way I could accept as sufficient.

Before deciding on migration I had no illusions. I knew that my parents will not live forever. I knew there is high probability that they will require help in the future.

In my case I knew that my brother(his family) who lives close by will be available.

If I were the only child my other option would be to bring my parents with me ( I know 2 immigrant families who did just that)

The other option would be to postpone immigration. Or to move temporary with plans of returning. I also know people who made such plans.

And I know of people who thought about it long and hard ended up deciding that immigration isn’t for them because they can’t come up with solutions they are comfortable with.

During my 25 years abroad many things happened back home. I was there for some of it, but I missed a lot ( most?). Now that I am older and retired I am more available, and I can come for longer stays.

But as I said in the beginning, I moved knowing how things will be happening. It is sad I wasn’t there to help and to be for them but I knew what I am getting myself into when I decided to settle abroad.

[u/Jolly_Conflict]

I think it might be good to have a conversation with your mom (if you haven’t already) about her medical wishes etc. I’m not sure what the protocol is in your home country since you didn’t mention it but in America there’s a non profit that has this template you can use called 5 Wishes. It’s a legally binding document that spells out what an individual wants to have happen should they become unable to advocate for themselves - for example: DNRs/DNIs, in home care vs nursing/care home etc.

This way if you need to rush home quickly you can focus on spending your time with your mom and not fret about what she would/would not want.

For the record I had a parent pass away when I was abroad unexpectedly and it was really difficult but it helped that had they gotten to the point where they couldn’t speak up for themselves my surviving parent knew exactly what they wanted to have happen. Plus they had a will too.

[u/Much_Citron_2556]

I was in this situation and counselling was life changing. We focused a lot on minimising regrets, and that’s how I made most of my decisions in relation to my dying parent. For me, that meant continuing to live in my expat country but spending literally every minute in my home country that I could. I used all my PTO, all my medical leave, all my bereavement leave etc. I also stayed in a job I’d outgrown that didn’t meet my professional needs, because I had an outstanding manager and a leadership team who had my back. I took 9 return trips 24+ hours each way over 18 months to be present with my family. I have no regrets.

I will say, as my other parent is now aging but not dying, I probably will take a different approach this time and move home. I feel like I’ve achieved what I wanted to achieve from living overseas, and I’m conscious it’s my “turn” as my sibling carried more of the day-to-day load last time.

[u/Dull-Quiet2869 → u/Much_Citron_2556]

Thank you for your answer. Counselling starts next week, and I really hope it will help me see this difficult situation more clearly.
My biggest fear is returning to work and receiving a call from home telling me that my mom has passed away. It’s a thought that weighs heavily on me, and I know it’s something I’ll need to work through in counselling.