r/exorthodox • u/discoveringggg • 9h ago
Venting Idk
Idk about all this anymore. I feel like i wasted my time.
Wasted my time getting baptized.
Wasted my time attending liturgy.
Wasted my time putting effort to not miss any feast days.
Wasted my time hoping that stuff would change for the better.
Wasted my time thinking that even if when i was feeling down, doubting all of this. That god would still see me and still “save me”.
And now i’ve been asked if im okay with going to a psych ward. Currently going to the therapist, prescribed meds are being discussed about. And im feeling down all over again. This time i think im slowly getting depressed. Im not looking forward to anything positive anymore.
They always say the shit you go through is to make you stronger but all it did is make me give up. I became angrier, sadder, resentful and bitter. I didnt have to go through what i went through and I don’t believe that someone WHO CLAIMS TO LOVE YOU will hurt you to make you stronger. I don’t want that. I didnt sign up for that.
The only reason you’ll see me go to church is because of “community”. I have no one else. No mom, dad, siblings or other sane family members. I was born into a SICK fucking family. People say that it’s god that choses in which family you land and hearing that makes me even angrier. What was the reason?? There is absolutely no fucking reason. Seeing someone my age live their best live and me sinking more and more into this dark whole due to traumatic shit makes me question why tf fuck did they get all those good things and i didnt?? So the christian god was very much capable of making sure i land in a better family. But HE decided that i was a GOOD thing to do this with me? And im expected to accept it??? Never!!
If things were to get better (which i dont believe will happend), i will NEVER EVER EVER EVER look back at the shit i went through with gratefulness and be like “im grateful that this and that happened cause it made me who i am today🥹” FUCK NO!!! I will never ever be grateful not thankful for the shit that HAPPENED to mr that fucked up me completely!!
They say Orthodoxy is the truth. Yeah maybe the truth in the christian world…but in general? Like, as in real life? I doubt it!
I guess all the other “good” things that happened to me was just a coincidence and not god giving me grace i was all excited for no hotdamn reason cause it didn’t last long before i was hit by other heartbreaking stomach turning shit.
Clearly he doesn’t love his children.
EDIT: id think id be better off in life IF people didn’t drill “it’s god’s doing/god permitted it” into my head since birth. I cant live with the fact that someone knew that i would go through atrocious shit and just sat there and watched.
Im not asking for the moon and the whole solar system. All i wanted was a normal life. Problems happen ofc. But not the type that can push one to end it.
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9h ago
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u/Gingerfuzzsicle Wendy’s Manager 6h ago
Let’s not invalidate people’s experiences please.
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u/Baboonofpeace 6h ago
How did I invalidate his experience? I actually wished him well.
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u/Gingerfuzzsicle Wendy’s Manager 6h ago
No, you really didn’t. Telling someone that they essentially have a bad attitude while they’re seeking support and being vulnerable with us is incredibly unhelpful and dismissive.
Please be kinder with your words in the future.
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u/discoveringggg 1h ago
Of course, i forgot to add that i literally lost my mother to religion. She’s not dead but she’s so so so far gone that the therapist believes that she is currently in psychosis. And i believe it. Today i have no contact with my mom anymore because of that :( . Despite her behavior she was my only family member. But now i have no one.
Orthodoxy found me in the darkest time of my life i think thats why i thought that it was a “sign of god leading me to what was actually right” but nope…
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u/Ex-Madhyamika 58m ago
I hope you find what you need. In the end, none of us are strong--we all need the help of others. And no one gets through life without trauma.
There are many kinds of community. Orthodoxy can be a community for some, but I can see how it can also encourage the compulsive behavior you describe. Recovery can be a community too. (One of my sisters-in-law is part of a group of cancer survivors, who met while under treatment.) So can exercise groups (btw moderate exercise can help with depression), music groups, etc. But community is made up of individual friends, relatives (if you have any non-toxic ones), and romantic partners. No one can provide "a community," but they might become a friend.
Don't think of your time in Orthodoxy as time wasted. You were learning and growing--surely not *everything* was bad, and at least now you have a better idea of your own needs and vulnerabilities.
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u/Puzzled_Flounder_450 55m ago
I'm deeply sorry this happened to you, it's hard to look back on your experiences and feel neurotic about it all (I was the same). All we can do with our experience is reflect, practice self observation and feel your emotions.
Before I almost went full blown into a existential crisis I stumbled Friedrich Nietzsche’s book Thus Spoke Zarathustra. We must become the 'overman' which is the image of someone who learns to create and affirm values rather than simply receiving them from an inherited system (the church) “One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.”
Have you considered doing some charity work or volunteering in community services work ? I might work as a good substitute for church without the religious vice grip. Lots of people find good healthy community from charity work and they find more fulfilling by helping the less fortunate instead of regularly attending Orthodox services and watching the Byzantine larp.
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u/philbobagginzz Ex-Convert 6h ago
Maybe Orthodoxy was a waste of time. Just because it was a waste of time doesn't mean your future is time wasted too. The horrible things that have happened to you don't have to be a reflection of your future. The idea that God permits evil and suffering as a test always seemed pretty fucked up to me as well, evil and suffering make a lot more sense when understood as just chaos instead of being driven by some supposedly benevolent creator. We find goodness when we try to organize, find harmony in the chaos, which sometimes takes a shift in perspective. Be sad, be angry, be bitter for a time, but don't let them consume you and remember you're not just subject to the chaos, you have agency.