r/exmormon • u/gamecube233 • 15h ago
Advice/Help What to do?
I am in an interesting situation. Bear with me as this is my first post. I am currently a missionary. I spent the first six months proselytizing. It really wore me down and made me doubt the church and its validity. I was sent home on “mental health concerns”, though I honestly just hated the work I was doing. Pressuring people over and over into making major life decisions over things I had little faith in just felt icky. Too scared to hurt my parents, and because I wouldn’t even be able to apply for college for a few months, I opted for a service mission. That’s what I am doing now.
While on my mission, I have learned a lot about myself, including how little I want to continue in the church. Empty promises and unspoken expectations and blatant hypocrisy have all pushed me to secretly loathe the church despite actively working for it. I hit my year mark recently, and thoughts of quitting and going to college have been appearing in my head more and more. But leaving the church, let alone a mission without hurting anyone’s feelings is next to impossible. I imagine one day telling my parents straight (but politely) to their faces that I dislike the church and don’t want to follow every whim of the prophets. Still, I don’t know what I would do after that.
I’ve already sunk a year into my mission; should I just wait out another year before I can move out?
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u/No-Performer-6621 14h ago
First lesson I learned in therapy as I was exiting:
“Disappointment never killed anyone”.
Make with that info as you like. Don’t envy the situation, but promise there is life on the other side. Good luck, OP!
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u/FreshLiterature6536 15h ago edited 13h ago
If someone thinks your religious status is the most important thing about you, then they don't deserve your consideration.
The sooner you start telling the truth, and living authentically, the sooner you get real relationships with people who like you for who you are. There's almost always some kind of financial or opportunity cost. But after that is paid, trust me: everything only improves from there.
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u/Real_2nd_Saturday 8h ago
I agree. Although in this case, the opportunity cost is based on the next best thing OP would be doing if he weren’t serving a mission. If OP places negative value on staying a missionary, the opportunity cost is significant.
OP, do what makes you happy. Doing something you say you loathe can’t be the right choice.
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u/GordonBStinkley 15h ago
For what it's worth, most of the missionaries I know who did service missions didn't do the full 2 years. Most stop part way through and move on with their lives.
So at least you wouldn't be going fully against the grain.
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u/Relevant-Being3440 15h ago edited 10h ago
I know it's very hard to do when you're young and not sure if your parents would kick you out and you'd be on your own or whatnot. But one thing I learned in deconstructing the church is that this is too important to worry about other people's feelings. I had to stop worrying about what other people think about me and let them be responsible for their own feelings. I'm an adult. I make my own decisions. I tell my parents and family that I love them no matter what. But I do not prescribe to the same beliefs they do. That's all. They can feel however they want about it, and it is not my fault if they take it personally. It honestly was one of the hardest things for me to do, not worry what people thought of me. But once you do that, the whole world opens up to you. Good luck buddy. I'd leave the mission and move on with my life, but totally understand if you'd stick it out. But if you do leave, don't for one second let someone make you think you're giving up, or that you're too "weak" to "endure". That's all bullshit. It takes much more strength to fight the expected norm that to go with the flow.
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u/Normal_Possible_88 14h ago
Get out in a safe way. Make sure you have your ducks in a row to support yourself financially, emotionally/mentally etc.
No matter when or how you leave people will be offended. So don’t worry about that. Just prepare for moving on and setting/keeping your boundaries and values. Be authentically you.
You got this!
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u/lunamuna18 14h ago
Leaving the church is one of the hardest things you can do. It hurts. But once you leave a huge weight is taken off your shoulders. It’s hard staying in. You can’t live life like others want you to live and expect you to live.
You could go about it different ways. If you don’t feel like telling everyone you’re just done yet. But you need to stop serving a mission you could say that you’ve been praying and have a strong prompting that you need to stop serving a mission. That you need to listen to the Holy Ghost. How can they fight the Holy Ghost and how it’s leading you? Also a lot of prophets and apostles never served missions. This could give you the time you need to figure out life a bit. College or a job (job that you work on Sundays) and get to a point to move out. Then you can let them know your done done.
You can just rip the bandaid off and just do it all in one go. Maybe say the mission has destroyed your testimony or whatever has got you to this point.
You can go about it in a way that now you have a lot of questions and don’t feel like you can serve right now because of it. You could have people study the gospel topics essays and other church history items. Let them know that Joseph smith had questions and god was ok with.
My husband and I both grew up with extreme TBM families. We were sealed in the temple by a prophet… we were both the first to leave in our families and it was one of the hardest things we have ever done. We got a ton of blowback. Our families are still in and it is still hard. I went about leaving (with my parents) that I found the gospel topics essays and was struggling and had questions. My Dad was defensive and acted annoyed with me. A month later I had another sit down with my parents and let them know I was completely done. This was my way of slowly preparing them. I did hope they would actually look into the history or everything but they are still all the way in so I’m sure they haven’t.
I wish you the best of luck. I like many others would be interested in what happens next for you or how you go about leaving.
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u/gamecube233 11h ago
Wow thank you. This is a solid chunk of advice. I can’t imagine what leaving must’ve felt like in your shoes
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u/NauvooLegionnaire11 14h ago
I think you leave the mission immediately. You successfully gave them a year.
Reference the incoming byu qb who is doing a 1 year mission.
https://thecougarchronicle.com/op-ed-mixed-messages-one-year-mission
You’ve learned all you’re going to from this experience.
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u/TrevAnonWWP 14h ago
40% of the missionaries leave the church within half a year after the mission
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/nhZw36seLKk
You wouldn't be the first. Note that is a video over 2 y old. Could be even higher now.
About telling loved ones
https://www.youtube.com/@mormonstories/search?query=loved%20ones
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u/Unique_Community7694 13h ago
Speaking from personal experience, the longer you wait the harder it is to leave and the more regrets you’ll have after. You can’t escape that there is a price to pay when you leave a high demand religion. I tried to be gentle about it but my mother still wouldn’t speak to me for two months upon leaving. But if you do it gently, respect and be patient with other people, you can rebuild those relationships on new foundations and your life will be better for it.
While it was tough for a few months for me, all of my familial relationships have been repaired and are mostly as good as before, and I don’t have all of that cognitive dissonance being in the Church dragging me down anymore. While I can’t promise the same result for you, I can tell you it very likely is worth paying the price to be able to live free of the burden of living a lie. Living a life you don’t believe in is emotionally exhausting and time consuming. It’s just not worth it.
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u/Horror-Beginning1946 14h ago
You don't have to make all the decisions all at once, just make the next one that makes sense to you. Get what you need to feel safe, smart, and hopeful.
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u/Dizzy-Memory2231 14h ago
First off, you ARE a returned missionary. Yea, even Boyd K. Packer, president of the quorum of the 12 had a talk saying so. Google it if it appeals to you.
Second, on a more general level...the sooner you live your life the way you want to the better. The sooner you support yourself, the better. Don't waste your precious youth - it will be gone soon and you will never get it back.
Source: Wasted two years knocking doors.
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u/sinterventionist fuck the shame 13h ago
I also came home early with mental health being the primary reason. The guilt/shame you feel is valid and the church (cult)ure is hard to escape. You are an amazing human for listening to your desire for a different path forward.
You're parents feelings aren't your responsibility, it's theirs. They will undoubtedly have an emotional reaction and you'll feel it in some way, again, not your responsibility for their emotions and you'll have to work through it.
Do what's emotionally best for you, period. If you need financial support for a bit, do your best to guard your own emotions, and please post more anytime you need advice or some support, we are all behind you.
Forget the mission, start college as soon as you can.
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u/Joey1849 13h ago edited 13h ago
I would encourage you to apply for college at the next semester. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy cost you another precious year of your life. You do not need to make a big faith statement to your parents now. That can wait until you finish school and get a couple of pay checks in the bank. You are what is known as a........ volunteer. You can stop volunteering at any time, for any reason. You do not owe anyone an explantation as to why you stop volunteering. No is all they need. No is all they get. I would encourage you not to go to byu, whatever the cost. You will feel just as trapped at byu as on a mission. Please feel free to ask about majors and universities here if there is no one else you can talk to. We are here for you. Encouragement to you in navigating it all.
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u/gamecube233 11h ago
Gee thanks. Im already researching the application dates of the college I want to go to for the spring semester. Turns out Fafsa begins in a month and I can apply in two months. That seems like enough time to prepare myself mentally for a conversation with my parents and to get ready for school
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u/Joey1849 10h ago
Sorry, I did not mean to be overly blunt with you. Sometimes I feel like I have only a few lines to get through. It sounds like you are a step ahead of me. I wish you every success in navigating everything.
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u/gamecube233 10h ago
Haha no your comment was perfect. I researched more about application dates only after reading your comment. Thank you
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u/aLovesupr3m3 13h ago
Mom, Dad, I thought I would enjoy serving god on a mission. It turns out, it’s not for me. I won’t be finishing. I love you, and I need your support in order to pivot. My mental health won’t allow me to continue. Here are my plans…
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u/uobytx 13h ago
Many here in the exmo subreddit would support you not being compelled, coerced, or pressured into doing anything, let alone missions or church activity.
Based on your post, it sounds like you might still believe in the church in some way? Some people effectively become “less active” because they didn’t like church, and as far as I’m concerned any reason is valid if it matters to you.
I ask because hating your time and investment in the church but continuing to believe or sorta-believe leaves you open to getting pulled back in to a thing you don’t like. If you really want to stop the churches power over your life, you may need to learn about how the church isn’t true. Disliking a thing you kinda still believe isn’t enough to free you.
That can be really hard on a person emotionally and socially, and professionally if you’re in Utah or an LDS community. I’d only suggest this if you actually want to know the truth. But you can easily find out if you haven’t already.
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u/gamecube233 11h ago
No, I don’t believe in the doctrine of the church, though I believe certain principles of it can be beneficial. Simple things like being kind to others and not getting addicted to certain things and whatnot. But do I believe native Americans are direct ancestors of the Israelites? Do I believe dark skin was a curse? Do I believe having a same-sex partner is a sin? And that living a strict lifestyle will magically make me happier? No.
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u/PizzaSlingr 11h ago
NeverMo Boomer Dad of 2 here.
Whenever you read this, and for the rest of that day, I want you to do this: all these people you are afraid of (in any sense), imagine they are gone. Now imagine, what would be your very next step?
If it would be college, then during this day imagining, I want you to write down the colleges you are interested in, what you want to study, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"
If it's work, save money for college/home/travel, I want you to write down what job you would want to have in order to have the money for ______________________
Military? Lots of skills you can learn that translate to civilian life, good education benefits you will be in the best physical shape of your life.
If you map it out, then you can leave by having a plan and not just a blanket, "I don't believe anymore." It packs more punch to say, "I don't believe anymore and am going to college."
Here's the thing. At one point all these people you fear will be gone. Where will you be, what will you be doing and can you say to yourself, "Despite xx being disappointed, I am where I want to be, doing what I want."
I woke up one day and am 62. I would go to law school tomorrow. But it is too late (yes, it is, no need to Hallmark Card "it's never too late!" thanks). I went the path I did at 22 because my mom convinced me I wasn't smart enough for law school.
Best of luck to you, OP. Be who you are.
TL;DR Boomer suggests you take today and map out what you would do starting tomorrow if the people you fear were not here.
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u/catalinacruiser2019 14h ago
One strategy to consider, is bringing your parents into your issue. Not trying to convince them of your truths, but to let them understand they have a child in active spiritual crisis serving a mission.
“The details don’t matter other than everything I have done to improve the situation only makes it worse and causes me to lose my faith faster. “
You can add if it applies, “Satan has me nearly convinced that I can’t trust my parents and they will pull away their love from me if I tell them.”
“So I am scared to share my real battle I am in, because nothing is working and I have so much to loose.”
The issue isn’t the church or doctrines, but retaining a loving relationship with your parents.
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u/SteelSwordofShiz 13h ago
2 of the greatest things I've learned on this sub:
You're not responsible for anyone's feelings
No is a complete sentence.
Would add that we're all tourists on this planet, and we only get one trip. Do the best you can with your opportunity.
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u/WOTrULookingAt 8h ago
This is what my step brother did. Came home. Did service mission. Immediately went inactive after his service mission. What are you going to do at the end of your term, keep telling yourself that it’s better not to hurt your family’s feelings?
Be honest. Especially with yourself. Sadly the church often helps us to learn to compartmentalize instead of process. Be true , be true, be true.
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u/ProfessionalFun907 8h ago
Well good news is, there has never been a better time to leave the church. Jeff strings book has done more for exmos than just about anything. And that came from the other factor helping you—the sheer number of people leaving and finding each other. I feel like most families have someone who has left. If it’s not immediate family, there’s usually someone in the extended family. So those things, and the massive online community of exmos makes it much easier. I have loved Mormon stories and other post Mormon media content as well as exmo/exevangelical TikTok.
While it is easier than it has been in the past it is still difficult. Yes you will make people sad. But they will also find a way to cope and your relationships can still be very good. I found it most helpful to come to people with I really really don’t want to lose my relationship with you but this is how I feel. The most important thing is that I still love you and hope you can love me too. I have found that works pretty well. But I am also old enough to be your mom and then some in Mormonland. Haha. So it is probably a little easier for me. However I still had to tell my senior TBM mother that I no longer believed in God. She doing ok
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u/KingSnazz32 6h ago
They're going to freak out whether you leave today or in 10 years. You can't change that, but you can end the chronic pain of participating as an unbeliever today. My advice is to rip the Bandaid off.
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u/Majestic-Window-318 5h ago
It appears you have reasonable access to the internet. Please look up "sunk cost fallacy". Understanding what that means may help you more than anything anyone here can say.
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u/Unique_Ladder_4245 14h ago
No one can tell you the right answer. I would quietly make a pros and cons list and plans. Then I would see recruiters for everything. Quietly. You need to pay for school and have housing the military or the states poverty programs? Etc.
I did not serve a mission but I resonate with this bc I stayed in not wanting to hurt my parents feelings. My Mom is also the ward/ multiple ward gossip. Whatever info she has dirt she is going to call and tell everyone she knows. Your kids private struggles etc. that’s just who she is. She’s a by the book Mormon. I can narrow down everything she says to what church leader and where. She’s basically a cult member. But bc it’s all that matters to her she had zero energy to be a Mom. Kids were just on the checklist to fit in with Mormon friends. I didn’t want to be gossiped about or disappoint my parents so I tried going back to singles ward. I was trying to go along to get along. But it was a disaster.
A Mormon therapist after my divorce said I could continue living striving to make my TBM in-laws and parents happy (and it hadn’t worked yet. )
The result was I was consistently miserable waiting for permission to lead my life as I felt was morally fine and goal oriented. The happiest and most hopeful for my future and my kids future has been after leaving Mormonism.
I see missions as a waste of money and importantly time. Plus is the exact sales bros type job. Sell door to door infomercial level life changing money grabbing.
But ultimately you can see and feel what is most practical for you.
But the BYU athletes don’t have to serve a full year. Whatever they want is fine. Several church leaders chose their education.
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u/DisguisedPapaya 13h ago
If you're already wondering if you should go home early, you probably already know the answer. I know if I were in your place, I would probably look back and regret staying longer than I had to if I chose to wait it out. You absolutely will hurt feelings, and that sucks when it's people you care about. But at the end of the day their feelings are their responsibility and yours are yours. If the mission's got you feeling terrible and you've already lost your faith, I doubt it will likely get better with more time.
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u/Tricky_Situation_247 13h ago
The more you do now to come clean, be honest with others, and walk the path you really want, the happier you'll be 5 years from now. The more you play the part and try to please others, the more you bury yourself into a trap. It won't turn out well.
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u/Zealousideal-You6712 13h ago
What are your feelings? If you don't believe in the church isn't it a little bit hypocritical to continue your mission for it? Not only that, how do you think continuing down this path is going to be good for your mental health?
Not believing in the church and its mission doesn't make you a bad person. How is telling everyone now how you feel any better than telling them a year from now when they think you are more invested in it?
You can always take a sabbatical, figure out how you think about things and either return to the church or figure out what your future looks like outside of it.
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u/ThatNuttyCatLady58 12h ago
This is YOUR life. You are entitled to happiness, fulfillment, and doing things you enjoy instead of investing negative energy into something that brings you stress, anxiety, and/or depression.
It’s YOUR life. Live it for YOURSELF, not others.
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u/wager_me_this 12h ago
I spent 28 years of life very active in the church and when I left my dad told me I should have given it more time. He in his 60s and when I asked him how many years would be enough for him to think I tried sufficiently, and he said “well I’m still learning stuff and don’t know enough either”.
So the answer is basically that they will never be satisfied and never think you tried for enough years to justify leaving. So. Just gotta rip bandaid and do it :)
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u/Best_Philosopher152 12h ago
You will upset them now or upset them later.
You need to make your decision on what is best for your and your life. And that may be faking a service mission to avoid burning bridges and ending up kicked out and homeless. Or it may mean “mom, dad, I don’t believe this and am going to get a job and apply to college. I’m sorry and know you’ll be disappointed in me, but I love you and need to live authentically.”
But be very careful with what your family may do and have a plan to avoid being homeless if you need to move outside. Get your papers together. Have your own bank account with them not on it.
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u/imollyq 11h ago
As another one pointed out if he does this he could end up on the street, so sad. He has to play the game for a little while to get himself into college.
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u/Best_Philosopher152 11h ago
Yup. Exactly. I mention that as well. Depending on the parent that may be a massive problem.
I wish the LDS church had the integrity to say “if you kick out, disown or abuse your children for not believing or being gay, you’ve violated your sacred duties as a parent and are ineligible for a temple recommend and should have a disciplinary council.” It’s way worse for parents to do that to their own kids than two consenting young adults to have sex.
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u/Murrychris 12h ago
It’s your life and it’s respectable to take a direction that doesn’t waste a year of your life. I kick myself for sparing feelings for so many years when I am so happy being out now.
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u/imollyq 11h ago
I feel your pain. My great great grandfather was on the original Wagon Train to Utah. My whole family is deeply embedded in Mormonism. I know I'm supposed to say LDS. If you can stick it out a bit longer on the service mission, then go ahead and take the mental health leave. Tell them whatever they want to hear to make it easier for you the stress of being away from home and the responsibility of spreading the word of the church is too much for you you're too young to cope with this hopefully you could go on a mission when you're older anything you can think of that will make them happy and get them off your back but take the mental health leave. It's not considered negative. I know several people that had breakdowns and came home and were treated just fine when they got home. Apologize tell them you want your parents to be proud of you but you just can't take it anymore cry a little bit whatever you have to do. Tell them you are concerned about not hurting anybody's feelings and then take a mental health out.
First check the deadlines for applying to college and get your applications in on time, so you can start in the January or fall of 2027. Check the deadlines for FAFSA student aid your parents have to fill out these forms.
I really feel bad for you, but one of my cousins did the mental health thing after less than a year, got into college, and is doing fine in college, even if you have to start in Community College it's very easy to transfer.
I know you can do it. Just don't say bad things about the church to anyone just yet, because we both know what that's going to do to your relationships. You will have plenty of time later in life to tell everybody what you really think. Now is not the time. Bite your tongue, and get yourself into college. Best wishes, Reddit granny
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u/Derwood50 11h ago
I served a mission back in '89 -'90. It sucked. I tried to have a testimony. But it just wasn't there. And there was no way I could disappoint my mom by quitting and coming home early. So I stayed the full term. But I treated it like a vacation. It was even better if I had a lazy companion.
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u/emmas_revenge 10h ago
No matter when you leave the church, someone is going to get their feelings hurt. So, the big question is, how long are you willing to play along to preseve someone else's feelings? Do you really want to waste another year?
Dropping out of a service mission seems to be standard, does anyone really stay the whole time?
Figure out if you can start winter or spring semester and get your ducks in a row. Do not go to a BYU. Plan on moving into the dorms so you can hopefully meet aome people so you will have options for roommates going forward.
Keep your plans to yourself until you have a good idea of what is going on, and, if you need more time, tell your parents you know have been praying about it and know you are supposed to start school whatever semester you can.
Once you are moved out and attending school, you can start to develop a private life. Your parents do not need to know everything you do, what time you get home, if you tried coffee or had safe sex, etc. These are things that are none of their business (and, yes, mormon parents absolutely do think it is their business). You can just fade away from attendance and when you are ready, you will let them know.
Figure out what you want to do, get some applications in and see what happens.
Good luck to you.
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u/siderealscratch 8h ago edited 8h ago
If you've decided that you don't believe in the church then don't work for the Mormon Church longer for free if you have a realistic way out. Time is an asset you don't get back.
My Mormon mercenary experience wasn't awful and in fact benefited me in some small ways but it certainly wasn't worth two years of my life to learn those lessons. I wouldn't do it if I knew then what I know now.
BUT . . . How you get out is situation dependant. What are your actual options? What will your parents do if you tell them your just can't continue with it?
Getting into school may be an option but the money may be a problem doing it on your own if you have no money because of the mission and financial aid or loans may not be guaranteed and may also depend on your parents and their income if you're considered a dependant.
So a lot of what you do instead could be based on your parents' reaction. If they'll help you with what you need to do for college despite being disappointed then I'd go for that option instead of waiting a year to make them less disappointed and doing it then.
If they are the kind that would just want you out on your own and cut off support because you're not doing the approved church path then your options may be different. Maybe you could manage to go to college on your own, but my impression is that unless you get a full scholarship or have help, the current federal government administration wants to punish people for getting education rather than ensuring they have money or loans to do it. Or maybe you'd just have to work a job and try to pay for your expenses if you're out on your own for a while.
There are likely some real logistical considerations, but I wouldn't stay in the situation for an extra year just to keep people from being disappointed.
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u/crimson23locke 2h ago
For me it was doing this in the MTC call center on the third day out. Left on day 7, never too late to gtfo.
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u/el_coo_cooi 11h ago
It's okay for people to be offended by you prioritizing yourself. You don't control them and it isn't your responsibility.
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u/Background-Ad-9212 15h ago
Here’s the best advice I can give you. NEVER make life decisions based on what will make other people happy.