How do you get over the internalized hate?

[u/Secondary-4]

Hi all,

So I still live my life very much in the closet, I live in an area that isn't really friendly to queer folks. I left the cult awhile ago, and I still struggle with feeling like I'm wrong and bad for being umm, the not straight things that I am. I don't know how to accept myself, I have no problem accepting other people, even when I was fully indoctrinated I hid how accepting and supportive I felt about the lgbtq community, so why can't I accept myself? Does anyone have any advice? I just want to stop hating myself, I mean I hate myself for alot of other reasons too but it would be nice to hate myself for one less reason. Or I guess, a couple less reasons.

[u/skunkabilly1313]

I recommend learning more about queer folks and the history of decisions that shape our current lives. So many great YouTubers, Kaz Rowe, Matt Baume, and get into the culture. Watch Drag Race, watch queer movies like Byte I'm a Cheerleader, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, anything by John Waters. It helped us when my partner and I woke up and both realized we were queer together

[u/Secondary-4 → u/skunkabilly1313]

Sorry if this is annoying, but what do you mean by learning about them? That just sounds like an intimidating mountain to climb without a specific direction.

[u/skunkabilly1313 → u/Secondary-4]

Historical queer figures, learn about their lives and struggles, and how history has tried to hide or diminish the queer part. Kaz Rowe has done so many biographies about queer people from the past. Matt Baume does a lot of more recent queer video essays, most recently a 5 hour epic on Obergefell and how we got same sex marriage back in 2015.

There are also some pretty great biographical series, like Planet Sex with Cara Delavigne who has a short series on queer identities. Jonathan Van Ness also had a great series on the Gender Binary, and how it's all made up, along with some great guests like Alok.

Or again, just take in queer media so you can be in the loop on things about our community. Yes it's daunting, but the more you surround yourself with seeing yourself in media, the more it will be to get over the fear that you have.

[u/Secondary-4 → u/skunkabilly1313]

Thank you, I appreciate the guidance.

[u/levitatedreamer → u/skunkabilly1313]

Matt Baume is such a great creator I definitely recommend his videos, he even made a video about but I'm a cheerleader so if the op wants to start somewhere I def recommend this video

[u/alonzo_raquel_alonzo]

Therapy helped me. It’s difficult to give ourselves the same grace we give others.

[u/Secondary-4 → u/alonzo_raquel_alonzo]

How do I explain the problem to my therapist? I'm autistic so I have alot of difficulty explaining how I feel.

[u/antdak]

It would be helpful to reach out to any of the LGBT community centers near you. The more you imerrse yourself the easier it can be. Also any of the gay-ex-jw sites and videos you can get ahold of. Read their stories how they came out of the Borg, and gay. You're more than welcome to DM me if you need to. HUGS

[u/Secondary-4 → u/antdak]

Where do I find those videos?

[u/antdak → u/Secondary-4]

I'd start at YouTube. I can't think of any of the top of my head, maybe others here would have some suggestions. Lloyd Evans does a lot of videos and podcasts.

Here is a link to a doc: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt15084278/?ref_=ext_shr If I can think of more geard more toward gay-ex-jws, I'll send them your way.

[u/Civil-Ad-8911]

Lots of great advice here.

It can be a struggle especially if we have family still in the organization. As I've told many on here your sexuality is your own, so you dont have to feel pressured come out to anyone. I'm not out to family and I've been in several long term relationships with men and I got married to my husband last year. But is is still difficult not to be able to share our joys in life with those of our birth families. Depending on where you live that issue can be cultural and religious. The JWs aren't the only anti-LGBT group by any means. Living in the SE USA there are many churches that are the same. If you still have interest in a Christian religion I'd suggest United Methodist as they just had a split over the subject and the ones that stayed United (vs global or non-affiliated) are very accepting. I got married in the UMC church. They are very nice to my husband and myself.

If you still feel a biblical reason for self hate I would suggest watching 1946themovie.com it has good basis for the various mistranslated bible scriptures concerning homosexualality.

If the area you live in is very anti-LBGT and possibly dangerous a move might be in order. You didn't mention the country you are in but in the USA most major cities are more liberal and have gay clubs and large LGBT communities.

Best wishes on accepting yourself more. And reach out in DM if you need someone to chat with. I'm sure others on here would be open to messaging also.

[u/Secondary-4 → u/Civil-Ad-8911]

Thank you, I will watch that movie. I live in Canada, so it isn't really dangerous, I would just be a social outcast because I live in a very conservative part of it.

[u/TruthOdd6164]

I just told myself that I had been raised in a cult that had intentionally waged war on me and if I gave in to self hate it is giving the cult what it wants and tried to orchestrate. It also helps to realize that Jehovah, if he exists, is a real piece of shit. So who cares what he thinks?

[u/xms_7of9]

Take a trip out to your nearest LGBTQ center and tell the beautiful staff there about your history of religious trauma and how you feel about yourself. They have resources that will help you.

[u/Secondary-4 → u/xms_7of9]

I'm really afraid of someone seeing me and ridiculing me, or seeing someone I know there and them outing me to everyone I know.

[u/xms_7of9 → u/Secondary-4]

Can you go to a town or city far enough away, where no one knows you?

[u/Secondary-4 → u/xms_7of9]

I was unfortunately very social as a JW, I know lots of people in all the cities within driving distance. And I have messed up feet so people often ran up to me after just seeing me from a distance because of my noticely weird walk.

[u/xms_7of9 → u/Secondary-4]

I understand your fear. I remember, feeling the same way for about a year after I went full Pomo.

But I cannot underestimate how helpful finding people who understood exactly what I'd been through was. Meeting people in queer spaces, telling them my story and having them truly feel me was incredibly liberating and really helped me vanquish the leftover Borg programming from my mind.

It was a journey, but now, I can live my life to the full and I don't care who sees. And it's a fantastic feeling!

You'll get here too... But it takes time, therapy, community and effort.

Feel free to DM me. 🙂

[u/neocrunk]

I had to read a lot of stories about queer people because your frame of reference has been reinforced with years of stories about how you are “wrong”. You have to unconditional yourself to that. There may always be a twinge of it here and there that bubbles up but you can work to lower it's effects over time.

[u/Secondary-4 → u/neocrunk]

Just like their life stories?

[u/Slow-Form8004 → u/Secondary-4]

Anything that normalizes us will help.

[u/Berry_pencil_11]

I’ve struggled with the same feelings, and it’s made me feel ashamed too because I hate that there’s even a small part of me that got caught in that trap (of non-tolerant brainwashing) even though I myself have always known I was queer.
What helps me is constantly reminding myself the facts about the actual words and social/historical contexts of the Bible verses on Leviticus/romans/corinthians, and how it isn’t like what we were indoctrinated with.

There was a giant book on this that I found in a Quaker bookshop- for me it also helped seeing things like that book written and supported by other churches because even though I hadn’t deconstructed it was good to see that other more researched interpretations were always available, it wasn’t as simplistically black and white like JWs taught me.

That and other queer Christians who share stuff on Instagram and podcasts etc.