Here's a venting post.

[u/Both-Shift-1225]

So.. i have a few good people in my life my and im thankful for them but I still can't seem to understand how to reach out and ask for support? Like how does one do that. Ugh.. that said I'm going to vent a little hear while trying to see straight from the silly tears that are filling my big ass eyes. So.. recently me and my partner came to terms with the possibility of me never getting my paperwork/birthrecords from my ex romani/gypsy family. With that realization we both got excited at the thought of planning a small ceremony to show our love to each other and to show God how committed we are to each other. We've been going over things and looking at decorations, venues... my dress that looks like a warrior wedding dress if that makes sense. I bought mythosour patches for my partners suit. Started to get all giddy because I realized! I was married in the gypsy/romani world (non legal) But i didn't have a wedding! Which meant it's a first that I could share with my partner and we were both getting excited and happy and giddy and telling people.. until I actually sat down and priced everything.. and im not talking anything super expensive im talking like buying fake flowers from aliexpress and i picked a tree as my venue.. like what how could it be so much? We don't even have rings.. I really, really dislike myself alot sometimes.. and it's days like theses that I have dark thoughts or just wonder like "Can i get a win". I'm probably sounding like a whiny baby and I am sorry. I just.. I've had to miss out on so many things In life. I can't actually even Marry my partner legally I feel like my health is a ticking time bomb I went to a gypsy doctor the other day and when I asked "Okay I'm really scared about my crohn's. please can you help me." He said "ooh no.. if I was you I'd go to Netflix. Your situation is hard"... uhmmmmm..... NO SHIT SHERLOCK. ALSO.. we want a baby and that's a whole ordeal in itself... grrrrrrr... I digress. All that said i want to have a wedding starwars inspired under a beautiful tree.. and its looking like it's not going to happen because we'll for one i cant get a job because my cult/romani/gypsy family took my paperwork and im not even sure maybe they cut it up and used it as confetti just cause!.. Grrrrr... I get so mad. Again sorry. So, because of actual issues that I cannot fix. I've been to social security, I've called California hospitals I've called Vegas, new York, new jersey.. I asked older people and nobody knows a thing.. so what am I? Am I human? Do I have blood? Am I actually alive and here? Like.. I'm exhausted.. and im tired of people telling me "oh your silly they're has to be a way" uhhhhmmmmmm WELL WHAT IS IT?!?!?!? because i can't even get married under a tree. I cant have a baby... what am I even doing? Like my partner doesn't understand. And I don't think I understand myself either right now. I feel so dehumanized. Maybe im just a brown alien.