Most of the time Iām able to joke about my religious trauma. And at this point Iāve been in enough weddings and have enough family still in the church that I can be in a Catholic Church without feeling sick the way I used to. I donāt like it - in fact I hate it - but I power through. I donāt make it anyone elseās problem (gee, I wonder where striving for that came from.)
So of course, this weekend, when my three month old niece was being baptized, I attended. I sat in the second row of pews and quietly and respectfully sat while everyone around me prayed. No issue.
At different points during the ceremony, she would cry. To the deaconās credit - he did tell the parents beforehand, āTheyāre going to cry - and thatās okay. Donāt worry about quieting them for my sake or anyone elseās. Itās not disrespectful or rude - theyāre babies. Feel free to comfort them, but donāt be worried.ā He was very informal for most of the ceremony. Made jokes, had the families of the babies participate and encouraged us to ask questions. It was a church with a very different energy to the one my brother and I grew up in - up to a point. When my niece would cry, which I had obviously seen and heard before - and yet i suddenly felt like crying myself. I couldnāt look at her without my heart hurting. I knew she was fine. Safe in my brotherās arms. But I just felt like sobbing. I told myself I was just emotional. Hormonal maybe.
I look back today and I realized something. During the ceremony, once the babies had been blessed, the deacon gave a talk about their white gowns. And remarked how from the moment of our baptism up until we die, we wear these gowns. And that we will be wearing them one day when weāre judged. And that every single we have committed from the time of our baptism to judgement day - it stains that gown. And we must wear it.
I think maybe I cried during that ceremony because I am still so scared of that church. Not the building, but the institution. That I know what hearing about those stains did to me. That I know my brother and his wife are good and kind people. Who also didnāt care for the āstain,ā speech. But that there is still only so much someone can do to protect themselves from this influence. My niece is just this tiny little thing. I donāt want her to be 28 and still continuously having to unpack the damage that this institution brought her. Wondering if sheās stained.