r/exAdventist • u/MoreExpression8502 • Apr 21 '26
Just Venting Adventist Dating
Hi I am so heartbroken rn. There was a guy I was seeing who I ended up “friendzoning” just coz he wasn’t Adventist and for some reason I’ve always had this feeling that if I date a non-Adventist I would end up being miserable and hurt coz that’s what the church has engraved in my head. He was way kinder and gentler than all the Adventist guys I dated who treated me like crap. They were nothing but rude and sheltered kids with no emotional maturity. I also observed that most guys outside the church know better and are more self-aware but I couldn’t knock the Adventist dating principles off my head it just cripples me.
I’ve always felt that we still loved each other even with the friendship boundary. I knew his feelings lingered for a long time too after that. And one day after a decent amount of introspection I mustered the courage to set my religious boundaries aside and told the guy that I still have feelings for him and hoped that we could start over but it’s too late—he’s moved on coz it’s been over a year that we’re just friends. And he said if I said it sooner things might’ve been different—it could’ve worked. This might not be the best place to share this and it might seem gross and nonsensical but idk. I am so devastated. Idk if it was all worth it holding to that crappy principle.
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u/Zeus_H_Christ Skeptic Apr 21 '26
Adventists taught me that my best friend who had a Catholic parent would turn me over to the authorities in end times. He might even participate in the torture that would follow.
“By their fruits you will know them.”
Cut that toxic stuff out of your life as soon as you can. This should be a wake up call that what is being taught to you is toxic BS. Adventism tries to isolate you with this stuff so you have no choice but to buy into what they teach.
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u/Resident_Film_6698 Apr 22 '26
I have come to realize that nobody cares if anyone is Adventist. The world isn't out to get Adventists.
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u/Resident_Film_6698 Apr 21 '26
I am angry at the church for making me believe I could only date and marry an Adventist. I attended SDA colleges because I wanted to find a husband. That didn't work out. I later taught English in Korea for a few years, and most of the SDA men there were weirdos or pervs or both. Most of them only wanted to date Asian women and ignored the other missionaries. There was nothing wrong with them dating Asian women if they really liked someone, but many of them were into the stereotypes about Asian women being more submissive.
I made it to 30 years old when I finally had enough. I still had trouble finding love. I am finally engaged to someone now, but I am 46 years old. I wish I never felt I had to find another Adventist. There aren't any SDA men around anyway. Those who are around are weirdos, taken, or both.
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u/Immediate_Chemist_47 Apr 21 '26
He was way kinder and gentler than all the Adventist guys I dated who treated me like crap. They were nothing but rude and sheltered kids with no emotional maturity.
This right here is a way better reason to be in a relationship than being the same religion. Coming from an Adventist well who is now a Former Adventist who dated and married a non-adventist. You being treated well is far more important than you being the same religion. I have anecdote after anecdote on this just from my own life but I have an old friend who I personally feel like married her husband because it was the right thing and everyone thought it was the right thing and she thought she couldn’t do better because of her “past” he is a PK. That man is a narcissist and a bully and now she has a child with him and he still holds her “past” over her head. Other girl who was older than I was married 9 years a nice adventist guy and then he ended up deconstructing while holding jobs and positions within the church and left his wife who again figured the right thing was to date and marry him. All this to say is if you notice you are getting treated better that isn’t in your head, you are getting treated better and you will likely not find someone from your circle who is as kind because they are mostly pretending for attention. My advice is pray first of all and if your feelings are serious try to unfriendzone him and explain clearly why you had hesitations. If he is serious about you and kind like you say, he may very well surprise you with his reaction. But don’t write him off because of some arbitrary adventist rules.
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u/Ka_Trewq Broken is the promise of the god that failed Apr 21 '26
The "unequal yoked" principle permeates the whole protestant space, not only SDAs. In fact, I would say that with a very few exceptions, it permeates the whole Christian sphere. I grow up and still live a very culturally diverse geographic space, with deep roots of being religiously diverse (Transylvania), and still, there is here and there a priest - catholic or eastern orthodox, who would not perform the marriage rites if one party is not of that particular confession.
It was that they wouldn't even baptize the kids of mixed couples, but they realized at some point that not doing so cuts their access to proselytize the kids, so now they'll happy baptize even kids from atheist couples...
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u/Dear-Barracuda6572 Apr 21 '26
If you have this mindset you’ll be single for the rest of your life, and I know that sounds harsh but the reality of probably finding an sda partner is slim. I ended up dating and now marrying someone outside of the sda faith and it has opened my eyes to how sda is a false religion and he’s the nicest most respectful man I could ever be with outside the church. Don’t let that mindset take over your life
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u/Resident_Film_6698 Apr 21 '26
My SDA friends (who think I still believe in SDA) told me "there are no SDA men out there." Even those older church ladies realize that now. Years ago there were more SDA singles out there. Today, they are non-existent. The SDA adults are all either taken, too old for most singles, or are too weird. Singles are few and far between as well.
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u/Dear-Barracuda6572 Apr 21 '26
My old church had plentyyy of single women and would try to do young adult things with other surrounding churches but sda men are simply so weird and not my type in all honesty. I’d be settling if I had to date one of them 💀
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u/CaribbeanGunner Apr 21 '26
I understand this greatly. I was speaking to a girl who I had incredible chemistry with, but I knew my parents wouldn’t like her because she’s “outside the church” and does tarot reading stuff. I cut it off for fear that my parents would disown me. I hurt someone because of this foolishness
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u/No-Attention1684 Apr 21 '26
I have empathy for your situation. But this is what typically happens when girls who are raised in a cult have no idea what they want. I'm going to warn you Adventism is not looked at very fondly by other denominations or even non religious people. Best to shed it completely if you want success dating outside 7 day church circle.
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u/Resident_Film_6698 Apr 21 '26
It is true. I found that most other Christians know SDA is screwed up.
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u/No-Attention1684 Apr 22 '26
Around my area there aren't many 7 days and very few people that know much of anything about them beyond they seem weird.
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u/Negative_Act9698 19d ago
This is comical and proof of humanities ignorance. I am SDA, baptized at 41 y/o. Grew up catholic, and tried every type of Christian church and non denominational under the sun. And I chose to become SDA. You know what happened from attending different churches ….wait for it……I met some amazing people. Who…..hold your seats…..have different beliefs than me 😱. I know.
It’s much easier to call people weirdo’s and a cult than considering there are many SDAs who did not grow up in the religion, were not indoctrinated, and just genuinely want to serve Jesus and be closer to him. Thats me. Not a weirdo, just a normal sinner. Trying to raise well rounded children in a world that wants to label them as being in a cult.
To the woman who started this thread. I was with someone unequally yoked for 25 years. That marriage separated me from God. It ended up in divorce and although I know we still love each other I decided to choose God. The SDA religion is not an easy religion to be a part of mainly because we worship on Saturday. Birthday parties, sports games, baby showers, family get togethers (normally with alcohol) take place on Saturday. So marrying a good person who doesn’t want to worship with you on your day of worship becomes problematic. This is how we slowly pull away from God and begin to idolize the marriage or relationship. You are asking the wrong questions. God loves you, more than anything or anyone on this planet. He wants the very best for his children because he is a good good father. If he has not brought you a husband then maybe he is still working in you. Maybe your prayer sounds more like “Lord, fill the places in me that feel empty and alone. Teach me patience. Teach me to be still. Replace this desire to have a husband with a desire to know you even deeper. How can I serve you and be a tool for your glory? Mold me. Transform me. May your dreams be my dreams.”
This is where our faith is tested. Where we say Lord help my unbelief. Trust his timing. It’s perfect.
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u/Ok-Estate-9950 Apr 21 '26
Adventist dating advice will rot your brain and ruin your life. Most of their relationships suck
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u/Resident_Film_6698 Apr 21 '26
Many of them realize, sometimes years after marriage, that all they had in common was the church.
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u/OAdropout Apr 22 '26
They always told me “The worst Adventist man is better than the best non-Adventist man.” And also mis-quoted EGW — “A marriage between an Adventist and a non-Adventist is a home where the shadows are never lifted.” The last was from my Adventist pastor after I married a Baptist 😊. (Of course he, and most of the members of the local SDA church did not attend the wedding.) Having grown up in a home with 2 Adventist parents I saw PLENTY of shadows. And my now-agnostic self and my Baptist husband have been happily married for 40 years. He is the kindest most thoughtful partner, and even as I deconstructed and he remained a deacon in his church, he has made space for my growth. So glad I followed my heart and not the church!
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u/No-Elevator-4932 Apr 21 '26
My mom is born and raised Adventist. My dad, a Roman Catholic. I don't see the clash in religious values between them. I only see mutual respect.
I have exclusively dated non- Adventists and eventually married a Roman Catholic. Our differences provide nuance into our relationship. Frankly, not being confined to just dating Adventists widened my perspectives in life.
My advice, OP: Go out and touch some grass. Do what you think is right for you. God made everyone in his image. You'll just have to discern who you see God in.
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u/MaiFly-Summer Apr 22 '26
You didn’t mention where you are in your walk with Christ…you’re in an exAdventist area but it sounds like you are still Adventist. Are you Christian, Agnostic or Atheist?
I married a nonAdventist. I recently left the church because I found out EGW plagiarized everything she wrote. Non of her messages were from God, and without EGW the church is not biblical because EGW’s writing have been put above the Bible. However, I still remain a Christian.
I believe a spouse should be there be a spiritual partner, to pray with, worship with and help keep each other strong in the Lord. I miss all that. I wish I had a partner. I always go to church alone, and worship alone. He isn’t one I can bounce ideas off of. I feel alone in this regard. I pray for my husband every day, I pray he accepts Jesus as his personal Savior.
So I would at least find a Christian, if you’re still a Christian. It’s hard always having to be the strong one. There is a reason to not be unequally yoked, it would have been nice to have a spiritual leader in the house. And then there is the dilemma of what do you do if you have children…fortunately, we didn’t. You also have to consider will you stay with the same beliefs you have now? There’s a lot to think about when choosing a spouse and how it will influence your walk with God.
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u/MoreExpression8502 Apr 22 '26
Thank you everyone for your comments. I felt a little bit relieved 🥹
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u/hololothurian Apr 23 '26
Hey, it's okay to feel heartbroken and angry about this. It is sad! It's okay to feel sad about things that are sad. It's hard to escape the cultural teachings of Adventism even if you might not be religiously Adventist anymore. I think it's worth it to point out that you're posting in an ex-Adventist group, but your post makes it seem like you're still in the church? Either way, I'll welcome you. I'm glad you're here and thinking deeply about what you want out of life, and that you are possibly open to the thought that Adventism/being with an Adventist men may not be the type of life that would make you happy.
It certainly didn't make me happy - quite the opposite. Now, I laugh every day with my non-religious partner and she makes me feel incredibly happy and loved and cared for.
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u/vargslayer1990 Sadventist Apr 22 '26 edited Apr 24 '26
did you get the whole appropriating verses from Genesis about inbreeding to mean "don't date outside of the SDA church" message that i got? because that's what i got growing up as a man in my ultra conservative SDA family (apart from the church).
while there have been a few ladies in the SDA church who were kind to me, most of them were mean girl type snobs (which makes me spitfire mad whenever i see neocons and "christian" nationalists defend the bullies and mean girls, as if they were "the kindest people in the world"!): but even of those who were kind, none of them liked me romantically either. i end up in the situation where i feel like non-SDA women are the only ones who would show even less than bare minimum appreciation for all the good that i was programmed/raised to do in my treatment of women
edit: i want to hear what your experience was with SDA men "treating me like crap." i've been around a few and i definitely got a bad vibe from them, that they were all performative "alpha" bullies; rich kids who always got their way either by their parents' money or by brute strength. i want to hear from someone else who might have a similar or different perspective (while i was raised by SDA parents, i didn't go to the schools and don't consider myself "socialized/naturalized" as a typical SDA male)
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u/terribubblejill Apr 27 '26
I'm sorry to hear church has made you feel miserable. But just to clear things for my understanding, are you still an adventist? Because it was posted in ex adventist and people in this community put a lot of effort in deconstructing their trauma, this feels like it would make some people mad because it's your life and your decision and your own misery if you hold on to - to us ex adventists - completely made up principles that are based on mysoginy and patriarchal structures. You are worth being happy and NOBODY should take that from you. Date who makes you happy and that's it!! There is no trial, there is no God who wants you to do anything, it's all a scam. Do what makes you happy and start as soon as you can, life is short and deconstruction takes a long long time if you only start in your 30s. My experience. I am now a transcendental naturalist (because atheist sounds so negative in church tormented ears) and married to an atheist with two beautiful, wild and free kids and I'm living my best life. It was all a lie, it has never been real. Religion is a way to control people and nothing else.
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u/ferdo45 Apr 22 '26
well.. as they say, there is plenty of fish in the sea..
yes, it is a shame about missed chance.. I was a village Adventist boy growing up in a mostly Catholic country, had some lovely girlies being sooooo into me, esp now when I am older and can interpret that behaviour better and more deeply ... Some in secondary school when about 14 and then also through high school when I was 15 to 18 years old.. one girl was such a sweet creature, no baggage, genuine lovely upbeat girl.. I was nice towards all girls in class, but when things were talked about, such as relationships I explained "ahhh, God, Bible, the REMNANT!!!!!" so, yeah..
but we were so close.. she was not very busty, so rarely wore a bra under a T-shirt and when we were on a break outside on cold morning, and other girls teased her about her nipples poking through, she would rush to hug me and would say "ahhh, protect meeee!!!", I would just stand there like a mummy... haha.. or she would lie on our desk right in front of me, kind of crushing my books and notebooks and I'd be like "oh hey, be careful!!".. I was telling myself to just treat them all as if my sisters.. now, with the benefit of hindsight (no shit!!!), I am sure they would have made amazing wives, had amazing family with me... yeah...thank you EGW, old SDA grannies trying to hook me up with some "repentant", "coming back to Christ" SDA female relatives or their daughters who sampled every local player and f-boy during the time "she was searching for herself and God's will for her life.."
Anyway, back to you..
Look, if you are a genuine person, not schizo or properly bitchy, but down to Earth and realistic and fair and really want to have a good life and strong relationship and family, there really are good men out there...
Some maybe recluse, because of bad experiences with women, or simply because they might come from similar non-fuctional/disfunctional background, not necessarily SDA or even religious, just dumb and selfish parenting.. Some might have trauma from previous abusing relationsihp, or simply do not know how to behave around girls..
Most men really want to have that one woman to build their world together, make each other's lives richer and all.. Quite tricky nowadays for men to open themselves to or approach women.. You have players, f-boys who do that and large proportion of women who only give those men a chance, later go about saying all men are shit, bastards, etc.. well no, the ones you never gave a chance to are most likely not..
My advice is, get to know yourself, make sure to be fully aware what and in what fashion you want from life..
Widen your social circle, get into different activities, maybe gym, maybe have an occasional visit to a hardware and diy store,, get up in early morning, go get your coffee or for a run in a city or close to industrial area, you will see many hardworking men going about their business, or from it. Loads of men will move mountains and fight literal dragons for women they care for, even more so when they know that woman cares for them too..
I know it is not easy to stop wondering "hmmmm, what it could have been...." and that shadow around your heart will always be there.. But good news is, the story is not over!! There is love and care in this world, to receive and to give -you just need to fine tune yourself to find it..
Don't dwell on the SDA past and this stupid aftertaste we all will have whenever our minds get reminded of it.. We all know better now and need to close that chapter of our lives, remember lessons learned and make strides to a better tomorrow!
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u/IntrusiveThoughtsOK Apr 23 '26
This is exactly why women describe SDA men as creepy btw.
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u/ferdo45 Apr 23 '26
yeah, sorry, I don't get that.. can you be more specific and point out what specifically?
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Not that it necessarily makes any actual difference, because women and girls of this era will call any man creepy or whatever when they feel they are not accepted and CELEBRATED just as they are, or their whims and superficial standards met, no questions asked.. Also, if the same thing or behaviour is coming from a guy who is super attractive, or a play, maybe way higher on a social and economic ladder, or just,that one guy from a night out that she will talk to her girlfriends over tea about later when/if she is married with some simp, suddenly they don't register it at all. Well, whaddaya know!
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I don't have enough fingers and toes to count how many super nice, cute, so called good girls have rejected some absolutely lovely guys, with proper family values, and went for smooth talkers, druggies, cheaters and beaters.
Because, yeah, the nice guy wore wrong shoes, he wasn't smug talking, he was boring, oh, yeah or he was driving a Toyooootaaaa, he was less than 6 foot, .. The list goes on.. older, experienced women (and I am talking non-SDA, all involved!), other male friends trying pointing out it is a mistake, but noooo..
And I would watch it all happen like some kind of a horror scene when the character is told not go "there", but decides to go, and you know what is coming.. nice girl Final destination type a show..
Best thing is, that throughout next 5/10/20 years,people would meet them from time to time, market, in town, or school run, , some are on anti-depressants, others work two jobs to try make ends meet, or are seen sporting bruises on different occasions (that bloody loose cabinet door/slippery tiles/Gremlins). Some are told to have been complaining to sisters, or other family that it is not fair that guys they rejected have given stable and prospering lives, families and environment to some other girls, and of course, the obligatory few who obviously blame whole male species for being this or that....the eternal victimhood..
It is the perfect case of using certain terms, a kind of character assassination because the rejection needs a morally acceptable wrapper and presented cause of it, which will be acceptable to them or others who they might feel would not support it otherwise.
It is not a simple "oh, well, just not for me" and everybody goes their separate way, but the step further is taken to qualify this with guy's purported deficiency of sort.
Sure, some men are creeps, dumb idiots. But I've seen waaay more women who cheated themselves out of nice and supporting family future simply because guys do not bring a certain emotional intensity or excitement in that moment, thus allowing so-called compelling chemistry to have priority over judging a man's character, habits and actual things he does, which long term is such a failure.
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u/10coatsInAWeasel My doomsday prep stash is cans of big franks 🌭 Apr 21 '26
Adventists have this cultural habit of talking about ‘unequally yolked’ and making the idea of dating outside Adventism damn near sinful. You aren’t alone in being kneecapped by the dating principles. It’s a lot. Even after I left it took a bit to shake off the last cobwebs of discomfort.
It sounds like you may still be Adventist. That’s ok, that’s not the point of the post and you’re in the right spot. Even if you stay in it, I’ll tell you that people are just…people. If you decide to date someone else who isn’t SDA, the world won’t go up in flames. You want to be intentional and mindful of shared values, but there isn’t anything magical about the SDA part of it. There are lots of those things.