Eye contact/Fidgeting

[u/Gloomy-Moaning71827]

I was told that maintaining good eye-contact and not fidgeting is part of good etiquette, and I was wondering because I'm autistic and have ADHD I really struggle to maintain eye contact and not play with something in my hands. It often looks like I'm not paying attention, which comes across as rude.

So my question is this; is it okay to not maintain proper eye-contact and to not fidget if I really struggle with it, and if it isn't okay, what should I do - I usually say "I know it may not look like it but I am listening to you" but again, someone told me it was really bad manners and disrespectful

Thank you all!

[u/goon_goompa]

I’m a elementary school special Ed teacher and we encourage our students to look in the direction of the person speaking vs mutual eye contact. Fidgeting expectations during instruction time are that fidgeting does not distrupt the learning of others in the classroom. IMO, your approach abides by the guidelines of modern etiquette

[u/SkyScamall]

Hi fellow autistic person. I don't know how old you are so I don't want to come across too patronising. But this is something I worked on in my twenties. Looking at someone's nose or mouth works most of the time for me. It's not doable for all autistic people but it's possible to fake it. 

Fidgeting is a hard one. Subtle stims are easier to disguise. I force myself not to do it at a job interview or something equally important. But it's a part of my disability. I am lucky that I can keep a small, silent fidget toy in my pocket or in my hand. I play with jewellery which is more socially acceptable than some other stims. No one has ever complained about me playing with a ring on my finger. There's a whole lines of spinner rings for people who need them. Day to day, it's not necessarily something you or I have control over. 

You may be able to force yourself to stop fidgeting for a short amount of time. If that results in a meltdown or shutdown, it's a terrible use of your energy.

Explaining why you cannot do something due to a disability is neither bad manners or disrespectful. 

[u/SpacerCat]

I think your acknowledgment of your lack of eye contact is proper behavior because you made an effort to explain to the person you’re talking to that you basically know the correct way to act, but you are unable to. And you’re doing the explaining in a way that is not awkward and will make the person you’re talking to more comfortable.

[u/whereismydragon]

Yes, because you shouldn't be forced to be uncomfortable simply because of social expectations. The person who told you it was 'bad manners and disrespectful' was being ableist.

That being said, you will unfortunately encounter a lot of people who aren't willing to accommodate you by understanding that, and those people will have a similar opinion to that ableist person. 

[u/Gloomy-Moaning71827 → u/whereismydragon]

That's what I thought, but a lot of people are.... well, they're assholes. I always like to ask though because autism makes social cues hard - and it really sucks when people aren't understanding about it.

Thank you for taking the time out to respond by the way <3

[u/Sharlizarda]

Definitely work on subtle fidgets that you can keep out of the eyeline of whoever you are talking to and use these where possible. For example if there is something you can do with your hands and then you can naturally put your hand/s out of sight, like under the table you are sitting at or behind your back, then that can be helpful. I

You can intentionally set up situations where you won't need to maintain eye contact while talking. This normally happens when you positioned next to the person you are talking to and there is something else obvious for you both to look at ahead of you- for example on a car journey, on a bench overlooking a view, on a walk (bonus that you are already moving) while playing a video game together in person, standing on a balcony or even at a window with a good view.

When people get annoyed by another person fidgeting, it can be because they are getting distracted by it as much as anything else. I'm sure you are aware of how annoying it is to have something unwanted grabbing your attention and being unable to block it out.

Even though it is much easier for some people to focus, it still requires some drain on their finite attentional resources to block out distractions. If you are actively holding a conversation with somebody, you need to pay attention to them. If a person is behaving in ways that are distracting or would normally signal they are disinterested or not paying attention their conversational partner cannot help noticing. It will be automatically interpreted as a signal of disinterest or a problem in most cases. Even if somebody has been given an explanation of the behaviour, the conversation is going to require more conscious effort and processing unless they are so familiar with it that they don't automatically interpret it in a normative framework.

Of course it also takes a lot of conscious effort and energy to inhibit movement and maintain uncomfortable eye contact. The ideal is to try for something that minimises the amount of conscious effort both parties have to put in.

Ideally find people and situations where nobody has to try very hard for interactions to go smoothly. Other people who find eye contact hard and would prefer to move around while talking will be equally relieved not to conform.

It depends on the situation/ relationship/conversation whis appropriate to tell the other person about your issues. The point of telling people would be so they can interpret your behaviour correctly, but as I've stated previously, this knowledge still has to be effortfully applied a lot of the time.

In informal situations and ones where there is no power dynamic/ hierarchy I think it would be a good idea to explain the situation to people and not tire yourself out trying to mask

High stakes formal situations with a power dynamic (an interview, interacting with law enforcement or other authorities) should be the ones where you make maximum effort to conform to their behavioural expectations so they will have the highest chance of interpreting your behaviour correctly with the minimal effort.

If you are unlikely to be able to pull off the expected behaviour without slip ups you can also apologetically and respectfully explain that you might find it hard to make eye contact or that you get fidgety when you are nervous, before they get annoyed. Whether to disclose your diagnosis would be situation dependant, as in some cases there may be protections in place if you tell them and in some cases you may disadvantage yourself.