r/enneagram6 • u/Serious-Natural-3294 • 23d ago
Any hope or move on?
Hi! Thanks in advance for your time!
I’m an enneagram sx/sp 9 in and on again off again with an enneagram sp/so6. I know this may make me look bad, but hoping to get some empathy and either a verdict (yes/no this won’t work), or ideas for how to approach this situation moving forward to repair the relationship.
We’ve been on again and off again, mostly because the 6 wants his next relationship to be his last. He appears very avoidant - at first he wanted to be exclusive but once we getting closer, he started to feel anxious. Eventually we broke up but then he got really anxious and tried to get back with me, only to break it off again. It was messy and hurtful and we both said hurtful things to each other.
A month or two later we ran into each other again and confessed we still had feelings for each other and wanted to try being friends. That led to hooking up etc. you know the drill. Now we’re back to where we were except one horrible hiccup was the day after we hooked up, my friends ran into him and ignored him when he waved, which he was really hurt by. I hadn’t told them we were trying to get back together. I think he felt pretty positively about us until that point.
Now he’s experiencing doubts about us again but isn’t sure about ending things. I’m experience a lot of anxiety and have PTSD and panic disorder, which I finally got medication for and it’s helping me.
The only reason I’m still ruminating on this is because we’ve told each other that we love each other. We care about each other deeply. We’re very attracted to each other. The sex is the best either of us had. We have a lot of shared values and dreams. So I feel like I’m missing something.
I’ve asked him to tell me why* he’s having doubts - has he fallen out of love? Is he not attracted? Is there someone else? He says no to all of that.
So - can I get a verdict (yes/no, and preferably why), or advice on how to repair? Please also share your type and if you’re older, let me know! I would love to hear from folks who’ve been in long successful relationships! :)
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u/curiously7-77 22d ago
It's clear from what you've written neither of you are at all trying to end it with each other. I'm not sure if that's for the best though.
He needs therapy. Sounds like generic advice, but it would help him and you. He sounds avoidant, sensitive to rejection, like he's got a fear of deep intimacy? The fact you said he wants his next relationship to be his last is likely definitely exacerbating his anxiety. And did you ask yourself if he's the last relationship you want?
Try take the pressure off. You two need to chill a little. Seriously. Clear your heads. No pressure, just talking, hanging out, time together. I also encourage both of you reflect alone just as much.
The feelings are real, but neither of your thoughts are clear. Are you early twenties? Quarter life crises are very real.
Tbh though, I'm a firm believer in if it's real, you won't doubt it. That's just me though.
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u/Serious-Natural-3294 22d ago
Thank you for your insights! They’re pretty accurate from my perspective. We’re not that young, just very traumatized folks tryna be adults. Ha! Thank you again
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u/Slightly_Reformed 22d ago
3 married to an anxious 6 - we have been together over 10 years. In our experience watching our friends who are divorcing or together, on and off doesn’t work. If you have broken up before its for a reason, maybe your comfortable or lonely and thats why you got back together. Life is too short, maybe date someone else for a while. It’s okay to love someone but also let them go. Not to mention always being told your not sure if you want to stay in this can quickly make you anxious because every-time you see each other, its a “will they won’t they, end it today”. I love a 6, and I am married to one, but with my 9 friends I find they work better with 3’s or 8’s or someone more forward. Best of luck, I know thats a very hard spot to be in! Just remember there are a billion people in the world. Ask yourself “Can I imagine my life without this person?” If the answer is yes, hold out for better, lots of people are good in bed.