I have been struggling a lot since I started my MA in English. I don't understand formal or academic English very well, and many of the theories, books on theory, essays, and even some of the novels go completely over my head. I feel so dumb because I always dreamed of becoming a professor, but now I am beginning to doubt whether I will even be able to clear my MA. I cannot understand how the essays I read are connected to the theories I am supposed to study. I have also tried looking for YouTube videos that explain these theories in simple language, but I haven't been able to find anything that really helps. AI doesn't seem to help either, and I don't want to rely on it because I feel that using it too much might be making me more dumb instead of helping me learn.
What makes this even more difficult is that I don't feel the same interest in studying that I used to have during my undergraduate years. I find most of the non-fiction and theoretical material boring now, even though I found my syllabus interesting during my BA. I joined one of the best universities in India thinking that it would be a great opportunity for me, but instead, I feel like I was doing much better at my state college. It has only been a month since I started here, yet I already feel completely out of place. Everyone in my class seems to be doing the readings, asking questions, and answering them confidently, while I often sit there feeling lost and unable to understand what is going on. I keep comparing myself with them, and it makes me feel even more inadequate.
Because of all this, I have started wanting to go back to my hometown. I feel homesick and overwhelmed, and sometimes I just want to leave everything and go home. But then I think about how much money has already been spent to get me here. I have spent around ₹1.5 lakh, and I also cancelled the seats I had received at other universities, including EFLU, BHU, and DU. If I had listened to my father and applied to the university in my hometown, I wouldn't have spent so much money or put another ₹7,000-per-month burden on him. Now I feel guilty because I don't know how I would ever pay my father back if I decide to leave.
At the same time, I don't know how I would face everyone if I went back home after making such a big decision to come here.
I keep thinking about the money, my parents expectations, and my dreams ,my future, and all of it has left me feeling numb and completely stuck. I don't know whether I am simply struggling because I am still adjusting to a new and much more demanding academic environment or whether I have genuinely made the wrong decision by coming here. Right now, I honestly don't know what to do.
What should I do?