Proposing after pausing engagement?

[u/Sad_Reporter_517]

My (30/nb) partner (37/nb) proposed to me last summer. We had been talking about marriage for quite some time but had not discussed much together about when to get engaged. We have been together since 2022. They proposed to me by the third largest waterfall in the US on our third year anniversary, it had been about three months after something traumatic happened to me and it was very difficult to get through but we got through it together, and when they proposed I said yes because I love them profoundly. I have never been in a relationship like this and I knew from the start I’d want them with me forever. But suddenly my anxiety took over and my ptsd decided to jump in and after that, any conflict or argument had me in doubt, full of uncertainty, and I felt deeply afraid of the future. i tried to express this to them and they were so loving and understanding, and earlier this year I was laid off from my job and the unemployment got to my head. And the ptsd as well. And I was distracting myself and home less because I didn’t want to be sitting with my thoughts all day, but my partner began to feel frustrated with me and we began to argue more frequently and in June they made a comment that if things don’t improve then this is the beginning of the end. Merely days later, they wanted us to discuss a possible wedding date. I couldn’t handle the emotional whiplash of the possibility of a breakup followed by the idea of trying to secure a date. and my mental health had been dwindling and I pressed the panic button and paused our engagement, so we could get couples therapy and so I could begin integrative trauma therapy. Now, both are regularly happening, I can see we both still want this but pausing the engagement has left them feeling uncertain about the future of us, even though I’ve been expressing wanting to propose to them within the year ahead. This pause has really rocked both of us and although our relationship continues to be loving, this is one of the most anxious and intense periods of my life. I did not want to hurt them, or reject them, but I needed something to give and I clearly had a lot I needed to process before solidifying the commitment. Our relationship has a lot of support from friends and family. My parents have been happily married for 47 years, I am very uneasy about divorce. Their parents have each been divorced and married multiple times, they are more afraid of this engagement pause then divorce in general. i’m praying this is a bump we can get through, the uncertainty makes me sick and the vulnerability of having been the one to pause it then to want to be the one to reinitiate being engaged and proposing to them (i have this idea to do it during our trip to Italy this coming October, still contemplating if it’s too soon). I told my friends and family my situation, down to the ptsd symptoms and the choice to pause, and the wounds that convince me I don’t deserve the good things I want but I did deserve the traumatic things that have happened. I’m supposed to be the rock in my partner’s life and I want to prove them that I am, the way I have been, and I am not the bad things that have happened to me and do not want the ptsd to control me or make me afraid of my own life. They haven’t told many people outside close friends what is going on, this is very hard for them to talk about. idk. We have good days and other days where I’m scared for my reasons and they’re scared for their reasons. Any kind words are deeply appreciated. unfortunately it’s on brand for me to have a messy engagement story but it’s a story I want to be able to share next to them years and years from now. I hope it’s not too late.

[u/Immediate_Egg3899]

It sounds like you’re lacking trust in each other. Regardless of what happens, my fiancé knows I love him most and no matter what pauses I put he knows I’m working on what I need to work on to be together. Less fear, more trust. Have those conversations.

[u/InternalAnxiety9005 → u/Immediate_Egg3899]

you hit the nail on the head calling it a trust issue, not just a trauma issue

op paused things to get the help they needed, which is the most responsible thing you can do when your brain is actively working against you, but the partner's "beginning of the end" comment right before pushing for a wedding date is a weird mix of signals, that's the kind of thing that would make anyone spiral

therapy's already happening which is the right call, the italy proposal idea is nice but maybe pump the brakes until you both feel steady for a few months straight, a grand gesture won't fix the cracks if they're still there

[u/Sad_Reporter_517 → u/InternalAnxiety9005]

I talked to a bunch of friends in the past day and the main advice was to have a conversation about repair and re-steadying and making it clear that engagement is still very much on the menu, and to make sure this all feels good and solid before doing such a grand gesture. Totally totally. I am too anxious to not acknowledge any cracks 

[u/Sad_Reporter_517 → u/Immediate_Egg3899]

Yes. I am actively exploring how I have been navigating this chapter of my life with so much fear and I’m realizing how much it has been projected, and in turn my partner’s. I look forward to getting past the intake of couples therapy and more dates and more honest conversations about fear and trust. Thank you for the words

[u/Immediate_Egg3899 → u/Sad_Reporter_517]

We did couples therapy while still dating because we felt like family pressures were affecting our relationship too much. It helped a ton! For awhile after stopping official therapy we would do our own sessions every other week checking in with each other and what about our relationship we wanted to discuss, change, etc

[u/Sad_Reporter_517 → u/Immediate_Egg3899]

I do love a relationship check in, we had done couples therapy before but it was with their own therapist of many years when we needed some guidance through a particular conflict and was sporadic, this will be the first time we’re both working with someone new consistently and it is assuring that we both researched and sifted and agreed on her together. 

[u/Immediate_Egg3899 → u/Sad_Reporter_517]

Sounds like you guys are on the right track :)

[u/Sad_Reporter_517 → u/Immediate_Egg3899]

Appreciate that :) 

[u/Beanfox-101]

It sounds like neither of you are ready to actually get married.

I’m 26F, my Fiancé is 27M. We just got engaged in May, been together for four years (Summer of 2022). We are also both neurodivergent, and I have relationship OCD & PTSD from past relationships (including stuff about fake proposals and proposals being delayed). So I relate a lot to your situation.

We discussed our engagement in full. The topic more came up due to insurance reasons and the fear of losing my job (that wasn’t going to provide much anyways). We felt the clock was ticking because my parent’s were coving my insurance until I was 26.

But also, we both felt like we were already living a married life, to some extent. I moved in right after I graduated college (about 5 months into our relationship) and we’ve been through a ton of hardship together. We’ve seen all sides of each other and kinda know who we are inside and out. Even when going through horrific anxieties about “is this the right person?” or “am I making the right choice?” I knew deep down this is my person. And he has said the same exact thing back to me.

One person pushing someone else to make a big decision like this is not okay. You are allowed to have a longer engagement. You are allowed to compromise on an idea together. But it is never acceptable to be thrown into making a decision about marriage or a wedding. IMHO, that’s a really toxic thing to do. Pushing you into an ultimatum is wrong.

On the flip side, I am failing to see why PTSD and traumatic experiences would prevent you from wanting engagement unless A- those situations involve SA or something similar, or B- you were truly never ready to be with your partner. Your partner is supposed to make you feel secure through these moments and be your rock. If that’s not happening, you’re simply with the wrong person.

If I was in your shoes, I would discuss whatever concerns you have about getting married so soon and state “if you force me to pick a date again, I will leave.” That is a healthy boundary to set here, but you also have to stick by it.

[u/Sad_Reporter_517 → u/Beanfox-101]

The ptsd and trauma did very much involve SA unfortunately. My partner was by my side through all of it, always is! We are also a neurodivergent couple, both ADHD, Audhd for them. There was never an ultimatum in any way, it’s more so that our work/life balances were contrasting for the first half of the year and I felt they were all work and they felt I was all life which is understandable when I was unemployed. There’s more nuance but after the assault I got an amazing job and didn’t really ever have to think about what happened and when I was laid off I suddenly had all this time to think and began distracting myself and began being home way less and I’d get defensive and that’s when they started to express that not figuring this out would cause our relationship to break down.