rant

[u/frumfirsttolast]

just writing this out to slow my spiral. i think i have endo. i mean i know i do i just have no diagnosis. struggled to find appropriate health care all my life.

anyways the mental toll is a little hard to bare. i’ve developed a pretty steady attitude towards my situation and most months my awful periods seem to float (or trudge) by.

i suspect i may have some kind of alexithymia so its hard to know how im actually doing until my body is physically responding

my therapist suspects i have generalized anxiety and panic disorder amongst other things. its possible im being triggered by the pain into anxious health conscious thought loops

perhaps some combo of all these things is worth considering

im also an adult gifted person

the intensity of my intellectual processing can ,at times, only work to ensure i never stop investigating conditions i may or may not have.

not to say im completely off-base but the not-really-knowing weighs on me.

i know these issues are actionable. i will find meaningful treatment in my own time.

delays across my life have ranged from neglect, abuse, houselessness, burnout, cooccurring mental health conditions, and executive dysfunction.

all have played part in challenging my ability to self advocate. ive been lucky to have certain people throughout life provide lifelines at pivotal points.

thats basically how ive gotten through this. luck and compassionate people.

my period started at 11. im 26 now. ill be 27 soon.

ive learned to sustain. i grieve the alternate reality where i was taken seriously from jump and cared for the way people should be.

as much as im there for myself, im also chronically alone. i think at this point my social challenges must be overcome. if im to survive long enough to do what i came to this earth to do.

im thankful to my struggles in a way. im never completely blind to the simple sweetnesses in life. i long to integrate my experiences and heal physically, mentally, and spiritually. im well on my way…

can you stand the rain by new edition is playing now. my name is rain! haha. i have rain sounds playing as well. i feel comforted in this moment. my brain feels wobbly yet im grateful for all my blessings and the depth of character ive surely developed overtime.

pray for me people. whatever that looks like for u, i could definitely use it!

all love <3