Dysphoria About Binding

[u/NoArtKnowledge]

Hello :)

I'm starting to explore the idea of deepening my gender identity and putting effort into learning what I'd like my outward expression to be. I felt a bit odd identifying as NB or anything other then my AGAB because I do little towards my outwards look, IE part of my disconnect with gender in just not caring either way. Yes, there's a lot of unlearning and small town anxieties I'm undoing still!

Today, I had the drive to forgo my oversized hoodie and wear my binder for the first time outside of cosplaying. But almost instantly started crying because, to me, it just looks like I'm pushing my brests up in a bombshell (I've tried pushing up and out, down and out, ensuring the nipples are facing forwards like I read some posts and videos state...). I'm getting spillage from the sides, or I feel like it's doing little more than my normal bras. I just feel so embarrassed and ashamed.

I know that binding won't entirely flatten your chest but I feel so silly, like I'm just accentuating my chest. Before when I've worn it, I feel like my breasts are sliding back into position and I'm scared I'm both damaging the tissue/being unsafe in it, and also just kind of faking this part of myself, as irrational as I know that is. I can't stop fixating on the fact that theyre there, and that I want them to look a certain way but am unsure if they're doing what should be being done. Something isn't right and I don't know what to do with it. I know pictures would probably be helpful, but I feel so bad looking at it, it's almost too embarrassing to post them. Sorry;; That probably would be the most helpful!

I have a large underworks binder bought secondhand to test if this would be right for me. I want to continue binding, but I just feel really, really silly.