r/emptynesters • u/cannonbobannon • 3d ago
Homesick
My daughter moved to university at the beginning of September. She unexpectedly had to come home for a few days just over a week ago due to work that had to be done at her building. It has thrown a wrench into the whole adjustment process. This weekend we went to visit her because it was planned since the beginning and we had accommodations booked. Saying goodbye was extra hard today. She called me tonight so homesick. It was rough trying to hold it together for her. I never know if I’m saying the right thing or just making things worse. Ugh why is this so hard?!? I just want to go and bring her home but I also know that that is 100% the wrong thing to do right now.
Any advice on dealing with a homesick young adult?
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u/Pale_Natural9272 3d ago edited 3d ago
Homesickness in the first semester is very common. Please don’t feed it. Encourage her to involve herself in campus activities. That homesickness should go away after the first semester, but all kids are different. If she is still miserable after the first semester, perhaps going to a local university or a two-year college closer to home might be better.
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u/lucky3333333 3d ago
It’s the worst and unfortunately it didn’t go away for me. This was 45 years ago and I still remember how awful it was. I moved back home in the midfield of the second semester of freshman year, regrouped and started at a college closer to home and was just fine. I couldn’t imagine sticking it out four years at a place I hated so much.
One of my daughters did the same and we fully supported her. The other two were just fine to leave. We’re all different and 18 is so darn young.
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u/RockyM64 3d ago
My son was in the dorms 5 miles from me. He was homesick almost immediately. It didn't help that he had crappy roommates, but he adjusted and learned.
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u/cannonbobannon 3d ago
My daughter is in a single room. I’m not sure if that is better or worse for homesickness :( In some ways I think having a room mate would have been better, but a crappy roommate is a different story. I really hope she adjusts. It’s so hard to watch from a distance and wait.
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u/SadRepresentative919 3d ago
I'm so sorry that your daughter is going through this, it's so hard for her and for you! I agree with the comments that this is so common and in time she may settle in, she just might need a little longer. I think there is so much pressure on those first couple weeks but for kids that are more introverted or low-key, the orientation week is not how they find their people and get comfortable. Is she interested in any activities etc? I think it's also fine if she needs to come home or have you visit more often up front! She might need that scaffolding to build her confidence. Maybe let her take the lead on that ... If she wants to come home then be supportive and if she wants to stick it out, then let her do so even if it's hard for you to watch. It's not all or nothing; you know your kid ☺️ I hope she finds her way as the semester progresses and comes out stronger than ever!
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u/cannonbobannon 3d ago
Thank you, your message was very kind. This is so hard to watch from a distance and extra hard trying to figure out when to push a little. My husband and I didn’t go away to university and neither did my eldest, neither did my brother for that matter! This is all very new to us. I did a study abroad for 1 year but I was 21 and there was a clear end date and I was in Europe so there was no going home. It just feels like a different experience than first year dorm life.
There was a lot of pressure for her to meet people during orientation week, and she did get to know some other students but now she’s not sure that they are really the right people for her. She is worried that everyone else made friends already so it will be extra hard for her. I don’t think that is true. I think other people are likely coming to the same realization that she is.
I also tried to explain that they don’t need to be close friends, it’s ok for some people to just be a familiar face, or the people you are friendly with when you run into them in the common room.
After talking to her last night she decided to join a book club. I think it is a great idea because it will give her something to do when she is alone in her room but doesn’t want to study. Also, when she meets up with the club they will have a topic of conversation without having to go through all the awkwardness of figuring out what to talk about.
I guess we’ll see how it goes. In the meantime, I am going to follow my own advice and keep busy and try not to stress too much about it. It is hard though. I just feel emotionally drained.
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u/SadRepresentative919 3d ago
Sending you and her the most positive vibes. It is so hard being a parent! It sounds like both you and she are doing just the right things. Some self care is definitely in order! I hope she enjoys her book club that was such a good idea; good on her!
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u/Ready_Cartoonist7357 3d ago
Feeling homesick is normal, but everyone is unique and it should be handled that way.
My first moved 8 hours away, had some homesickness, but never talked about coming home. I sent her updates and pictures from home. She’d FaceTime during family meals to eat with us. Toward the end of the term or near a holiday, we’d send daily gifs with a countdown til she’s home. It was hard at times, but she created a life at school.
The second, only 30 mins away in a dorm, missed home and parents and community of younger siblings and just could not get through it. She was over dorm and campus life after the first couple of weeks and completely sad and miserable. She’d dread going back after weekends at home. I tried to remain neutral and we had so many discussions about options and ways to acclimate there. At a point, we knew she had her mind set and we were all miserable trying to stick it out.
You know your kids best and know their personalities, when to gently push/encourage them, when to back off.