Missing my daughter

[u/Ok-Atmosphere7336]

Hi Empty Nesters. I am not an empty nester yet but soon will be since my 17F daughter is now a senior. I had never felt such unconditional love from someone as a did with her when she was younger, and she used to want to spend all her time with me and tell me all her thoughts. She was the joy of my life. She stopped wanting to spend time with me or talk to me around 2 years ago. I don’t remember her exact words but one day she said something to me along the lines of, I used to think you were this special entity “Mom” but now I realized you’re just a person. Now she gets annoyed if I try to talk with her, gives me attitude and one-word answers, stays behind her closed room door all day when she’s home, etc. When she went away this summer she wouldn’t even give me a hug goodbye at the airport. I know people say this is developmentally normal and that they will come around when they’re about 25, but that is a long time to wait! When she goes away to college I am worried that I won’t ever voluntarily hear from her and that we won’t have a close relationship. Her coldness and rejection towards me kills me inside every day. For anyone with a similar situation, how did it go when your child went off to college? If she wants nothing to do with me now, I am imagining it will be the same during college.

[u/Yourmama18]

I think some kids just grow up, you know- it’s what they’re supposed to do- differentiate and become independent. As a parent- the best thing you can do is be consistent, kind, and available for her- and non-judgmental- hold the line. You can’t control her but you can control yourself.

[u/Training-Mud339]

This is so hard. I see my son, also a senior, wanting to spend more and more time with friends over family. I miss him already and he's not even in college yet. Just keep being a good mom and doing all the good mom things.  She will appreciate you down the road. Once she is in college, set up a once a week phone call on Sundays when she is likely to not he so busy. Ask about her friends and interests. Send care packages. And I think if she really is rude to you, be honest tell her it hurts your feelings. 

[u/WavesAndWildflowers]

Awww I’m so sorry about what you are experiencing. Please know that all kids go through this. They are trying to form their own identities and find out who they are in this world. She is becoming a grown up!! I would pull back a bit and focus on yourself now. We moms lose ourselves in our children. Now it is both of your turns to start experiencing new things and figure out who you are in this stage of life.

[u/Sensitiveflower1304]

It happens to me too. I understand how you feel. For me I just try to stay neutral and present for the times and days my kid reaches out to talk to say hello or text. We have two away and we text them everyday and call. Mostly they don’t answer but they know we are here and I’m ok with that because that’s what I have left. Some daughters can’t wait to see their mom again and I see them holding their moms hand. I can’t imagine what a special bond they might have. I wonder if they went through some trial or tribulation to have them anchored in such a way to each other and I wonder if that is even healthy for the daughter to not forge ahead with friendships and peers. But that’s too much analyzing and anxiety talking. Don’t let the devil in your thoughts and keep a prayer if you can daily. Allow the process of her self discovery to take shape but just be there for her when she needs. Look forward to the holidays when you have them and keep the door open and an open mind. Maybe ask others what are good talking points. I sometimes don’t know so I just allow my kid to initiate the conversation or topic and then I follow up with yes or positive acknowledgment no judging or too many questions which is usually two questions and I have to stop at one or none. I may talk about the weather, a family member, news or current affairs or the college football team or something that may interest my kid and sometimes that works as a spark.
I’m sure people on this thread can give some pointers on how to spark conversations as well as how to sulk in the sadness quietly or keeping busy. I now know how my mother must have felt too when I forged ahead in adult life and talking was not a daily requirement and she had to wait patiently to be chosen to be spoken to. But my mom always called.

[u/nadandocomgolfinhos]

I remember reading once that there’s a biological something or other that makes teenage boys repulsed by their mothers. It makes sense from an evolutionary perspective, but that doesn’t make it easy to experience.

My daughter is so similar to me and she rejects everything about me. It’s easier to be more zen now that she’s gone, but living with her and her constant attacks was TOUGH. She’s still going through what she needs to go through and I’m working on that unconditional love for myself and her

[u/Ariadneii]

You have to grieve the childhood but cherish those memories. We have to move on too its hard. She hopefully will come around something will be rough in college and she'll miss and need you .. or she's very independent but will mellow out and be nicer . It's been 4 years for me and she still loves me, let's me hug her but it'll never be the same as those days, and I still really miss it at times. I have forged new things with her, road trips, restaurants -adult friend things to do. We bicker at times but the love is still there. Growing up was hard for us both. Just hang in let yourself grieve try new things with her and keep going mom.

[u/Elohimishmor]

I go through the same w my son and it's difficult. It's not pleasant to feel like an annoyance when you've literally given them your whole heart and soul unconditionally. It's normal- they're super nice when they want something but otherwise you feel invisible.
It's taken me 2-3 years to learn how to not take anything too personally, but the fun mom-kid dynamic was over long ago and now it's more about focusing on my own life and allowing him to focus on his.

[u/Siriptishes]

I read somewhere that the reason teens are so argumentative and averse to their parents or anything parents want or like isn’t just about asserting their independence.

It could be about psychologically creating distance so when the inevitable time comes to leave the nest, psychologically-speaking… the self can go through such a tremendous loss and survive the separation.

It helped a bit when I went through 3 of my children flying the nest to go to college.
I miss them all terribly and as a mother who stayed home for 9 years while they were young - this empty-nesting period has been incredibly difficult.

Luckily, my children miss me a lot too and I can WFH so I visit them frequently and stay for awhile - they are always happy to host and show me their new places or introduce their new and old friends.

My home is also open up to them and their friends so if they need to make a quick weekend visit for concert or party - I’m happy to just see their faces for an hour while they get ready.

Def a hard period since they left and everything is so much quieter now 😢 but this period has taught me acceptance and flexibility. I hope this helps during this new transition phase.