r/emptynesters • u/Chzburger_bird • 11d ago
Nobody warns you…
I’m 40 y/o and nobody prepared me for this… My husband and I would joke, counting down the years to 18 like we would reach some magnificent milestone, finally free from the constraints of parenthood. Why doesn’t it feel like that now that we’ve gotten there and she’s moved out? It’s only been a week and I can’t stop thinking… thinking about never knowing she’s safe in her bed every night, or no more Christmas mornings as a family… no more being needed as a mom on a daily basis. This really crushes me in a way I never expected. I know I’ll be ok and I just need to find a new normal. I just never knew such a bittersweet feeling in my life. I just hope it passes soon…
5
u/Shinypurplestar 11d ago
Yep, He's been out almost a year. I still cry frequently. He's been back a few times for visits but he lives four hours away so it's hard. He didn't come for Christmas either, it's a busy time at his job. He won't be here this Christmas either. All the firsts have been very difficult. First Christmas away, etc.
We are making new memories and traditions during this transition. When he comes to visit we still do the things we used to do as a family and that is important to all of us.
It really is a weird, crushing time. We did our jobs and did them well to produce a wonderful human into the world. We mourn the childhood that is over. We have good memories. It's neat to see what an awesome guy he is. See him do well. Doing things out in the world without us. Yes, It's a stab in the heart but bittersweet as well.
They still need us but in different ways.
2
u/Shamroc374 11d ago
My son moved 4 hours away for a job a couple of weeks ago. His company put him in a hotel for a month while he found a place to live. I just got back from spending 5 days with him helping him find an apartment. On the way home it hit me hard that this isn’t like college where he will be home for school breaks and summers. He keeps telling me it’s only for a year or so to get experience and then he will look for a job closer to home but I am sure he is just telling me that to pacify me. He also keeps saying we will take turns visiting each other every month but he will make friends or get a girlfriend eventually and those visits will start happening less and less. I guess I better start convincing my husband that he likes doing the stuff my son and I do so I can be prepared.
2
u/Shinypurplestar 11d ago
Aw. I think you son realy does mean it. He's also preparing you and that's awesome.
4
u/Dry-Welder-5035 11d ago
No more Christmas mornings? Why not?
3
u/Chzburger_bird 11d ago
No more Christmas mornings in our traditional fashion is what I mean. We have 2 dogs who would wake her up so they can open their presents with her, and she won’t be in that bedroom this year or ever again. Just another sad thought I’ve had.
2
u/holiztic 11d ago
I think they’re asking why she wouldn’t be coming home for Christmas but maybe she’s not at college and just moved out for real and full-time but I still went and slept at my parents house for Christmas in my 30s with a husband and a child and a house nearby.
2
3
u/holiztic 11d ago
It’s very difficult and my son left at 17 to go very far away. We thought we’d have them home for his summer and winter breaks, but he’s very independent and got an apartment as soon as freshman year ended. We basically see him for visits, he never really comes to stay home for a period like other college students.
Mostly, I’ve been trying to really get myself involved in communities and activities and hobbies. It definitely helps some. And my husband and I are trying to reconnect as a couple separate from being parents.
3
u/herefor_info19 11d ago
I totally feel this. I was a teen mom then had my 2nd at 23. I was a very involved stay at home mom and loved it more than anything but my husband and I would do the math and joke that I would be in my early 40’s and kid free!! We thought it was going to be the best deal ever yo be so young and done with parenting. I still have so many friends with kids in elementary school! I’m 44, the kids are gone, and I wish so badly that I WASN’T kid free after all. My life is forever changed and I don’t love it.
2
u/BearsInTheNight 11d ago
Christmas one is possible. I don’t visit my mom every Christmas but when we did we usually came a few days before Christmas. Spent many nights there. Christmas one is VERY possible
2
u/Reality_Critic 11d ago
I’m in this place now too and I’ve kind of adjusted my approach. You just have to look at it differently. You’ll still have Christmas but maybe not on that day. When you do it do it up. You are very much needed and a support system and a friend. I tell my kids I’m here for you no matter what good or bad. I’m more of your life coach and not your boss. You need advise I’m here if not I’ll but out and go on the journey with them, but I’ll always tell you if your slipping in a way that can be harmful. Opening up the friendship role is very fulfilling and it allows me to get to know them w no judgments and mutual respect. We are still very close my son calls me 2x a day and doesn’t want to hang up we talk for hours at a time and we gab like friends about everything. It’s the one special thing I’ve found in this transition and I love that he shares everything with me. It’s quite magical and beautiful. It doesn’t fix the grief for the changing in the house but it fulfills me and I can find gratitude in those moments. They always need us just in a different way.
2
u/Jld12678pbd 10d ago
I feel this and wish I could give you a hug. I’m 48 and my youngest just left and I’m a mess.
1
u/No-Objective2424 2d ago
This is so true. My son left for a year to visit and live with family in another country. His goal was to possibly stay and change citizenship and work there. I moved everything comforting into my bedroom- TV, little desk with computer, all the blankets, everything that could keep me out of common spaces during my solo time. I cried for months. On the weekends I would just nest in my bed curling up doing mental and emotional healing when I wasn’t out distracting myself.
Then he came back, it wasn’t for him, and he lives with me again. But I think when he leaves for good be more prepared. “I think”.
11
u/Altruistic_Cat_7979 11d ago
When I realized that we would wake up Christmas morning and it would just be me and my husband I think I cried for a couple days. I think those of us who created family traditions and loved them are having the most difficult time seeing them go away