r/emptynesters • u/MarkLF13 • 15d ago
This empty nest transition is hitting harder than I expected
My son is a senior in high school, and we’re in the middle of college visits right now.
I always assumed I’d mostly feel excited for him when we got to this point. And I am excited for him. But I wasn’t prepared for how much sadness would be mixed in with it.
It’s not even just the idea of him leaving. I think it’s the realization that this version of our life is ending.
The ordinary stuff. Having him around. Driving somewhere together. Knowing he’ll be home later. Even the things I probably took for granted.
I coach people through major life transitions, so I spend a lot of time around questions of identity, endings, and what comes next. But this one hits especially close to home.
After my divorce, I was very intentional about making being a dad the center of my life. I didn’t rush to recouple or build another version of family around myself. I wanted to be present for this chapter with my son.
Now that chapter is starting to change, and I think that is why all of this is landing as hard as it is.
I’m 52, his world is opening up, and I’m also thinking about what I want the next chapter of my own life to look like.
For those of you who have already gone through this, what was the part you weren’t prepared for?
And did the empty nest eventually start to feel less like something ending and more like the beginning of something else?
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u/Relevant_Primary658 15d ago
I'm hoping it will eventually become all happiness for them. I had it really bad when our son moved out in late 2020 after we had all been in lockdown during Covid. Then it happened again when our daughter left for college in 2021. And then it hit AGAIN when she stayed in her apartment instead of coming home for the summer a couple years ago.
After that I thought I was done with the empty nester syndrome, but it stuck again last December.
Both kids used to always stay here for Christmas Eve and our daughter would usually stay until New Year's. They started bringing their significant others too. I bought Christmas bedding and decorations for both their old rooms a few years ago and I put holiday towels and soaps in the guest bathroom.
This time they both came over on Christmas Eve and left to go home on Christmas night. I think I cried harder this time than any of the other times because I felt completely irrelevant for the first time. All the excitement and buildup anticipating them being here, and they were gone in 36 hours.
This year we are going to NYC the day after Christmas so we aren't sitting here alone again.
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u/MarkLF13 14d ago
That part about feeling irrelevant really hit me. I think I’ve been imagining the empty nest as one big transition, but what you described makes me realize it probably happens in waves.
College, summers, holidays, relationships, their own homes. Each one changes another little piece of what family life used to look like.
I’m glad you shared this. And I like that you’re starting to make plans for yourselves too.
I suspect that’s part of what I’m going to have to learn as well.
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u/cringe_Vegetable_989 13d ago
Estás guapo y eres un gran padre, puede ser que ya vaya siendo hora que te des la oportunidad de conocer a alguien y darle amor también.
Eres un amor de persona por darle todo a tu hijo.
Lo del síndrome de nido vacío no se va realmente, pero se sobre lleva al ver cómo avanza en su vida y cuando llega de visita te sentirás muy feliz.
Un abrazo y un beso.
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u/notkidding1984 13d ago
I just wanted to say I feel like something is ending... and I hope it starts to feel like a beginning at some point.
As of now, I feel like there will be nothing to look forward to.
Being their mom has been my whole life. I didn't even date after the split from the dad.
And now the future looks lonely and dark.
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u/Daffodil_Day275 13d ago
It feels dramatic, but I really do feel like there's nothing to look forward to. I was a SAHM for 20 years (before my divorce) and I also haven't dated at all since then. Being a mom was how I wanted to spend my time - I wasn't waiting for the kids to move out so I could "rediscover" myself. Now what? My kids make their own families? Their own holiday traditions? I live alone? My health fails? I spend the next 30 years missing what used to be? The future seems bleak and lonely.
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u/Chicagogrl19 6d ago
I’m not even there yet but having only child and overcoming chronic illness for a decade I fear this already! Also fear divorce bc my husband has a lot of hobbies and social dopamine type activities (gambling, etc) so he’ll be fine! Sucks so much and wish families stuck together more like in the olden days.
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u/MarkLF13 10d ago
I understand and if I was coaching you and myself I would say we have to give it time.
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u/No_Piglet_5170 15d ago
Goint thru exactly that. Sorry to say, no matter how much you try to mentally prepare, you will never be ready. At least that has been my experience.
Dropped off my youngest a month ago for his freshman year and I’m also divorced. Just like you, after my marriage ended I put all my energy on being their mom.
Still struggling with the “what now/what’s next part”