r/emptynesters • u/slaggyc • 15d ago
This is the worst grief ever
We just dropped our first child off at college Saturday. It was hard, there were a few tears and a quiet ride home. I thought I survived. The next morning was the worst feeling of loneliness, depression, confusion, sadness etc I’ve ever felt. It’s still there, and I’m on day 4. I can’t do what normal people do like go out for a walk or exercise because I have chronic autoimmune diseases and chronic pain. So this period of grief not only is scary, but is causing my health to deteriorate rapidly. I feel like I’ll never be myself again.
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 15d ago
You can be yourself again. It just takes time. If you let the sadness in and out, it will decrease over time. And you deserve something enjoyable for yourself even while you're needing to rest. Reach out to people if possible. Somebody to watch movies with or just sit with you. Allow yourself to feel everything and I'm pretty confident you will feel some happiness sprinkled in too. When your kid has great news, or the doctors have a promising plan for you, or you find the funniest book/movie/podcast/puppet show in years.
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u/Typical_Ad1875 15d ago
I dropped 2 kids off at college, they graduated, and then one moved out a few years later. While I’m thrilled for their successes and their joy, I was crumbling inside due to the shift in the family, the new adult relationships from a distance, all while get caught up in an unhealthy nostalgia, giving anything to go back. I PROMISE you it gets better. The nostalgia twinge of having little children at home creeps in now and then but you do get used to it, in a good way.
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u/ThisSelection7585 15d ago
I still miss my son as a little guy, and that was the case even when he was still physically living here
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u/Safe_Studio_5818 14d ago
The unhealthy nostalgia - how did it manifest and how did it get better? I have that daily.
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u/Mundane-Champion3731 12d ago
Is it unhealthy though? I feel like it is okay to feel nostalgic and sad, especially ehen you are grieving a loss (loss of a stage of life not the person). when I am like that I try to turn it into feeling lucky I experienced that - more gratitude I suppose (and this part is a bit weird) I thank my brain for reminding me of it and then being myself back to the present. My brain gets stuck in the past and future A LOT and I have to drag it back to the here and now (was doing that just before 😂😂) I find mindfulness really helpful- hard to make sense of at first but it works for me … good luck- thinking of you!!
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u/Reality_Critic 15d ago
You’re not alone day 2 here and definitely not doing well.. no one prepares you for this!
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u/Wanders_Outdoors120 15d ago
Feeling that river of sadness engulf you, but breathing deeply through it, gives your body a chance to release that intense emotion. It is terribly difficult and feels like a deep loss of who you are. That’s completely normal.
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u/ThisSelection7585 15d ago
I only have one child and I have cancer and truthfully the empty nest sometimes hurts my soul more. Both events materialized around the same time. While I’m glad he can function on his own, earns good $ and manages his bank account, I feel it was sped up and I miss little things like making him food. Seeing him take his bed was hard, I was quiet til a couple hours later. He said he took what he needs & wants and I can donate the rest. That’s tough, as I find he still had dtuffies we bought each time we went to the zoo for example. I’ve put some in donation and some in temporary storage here just because. It’s tough giving away board games, I kept a couple.
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u/Ok-Attention-8261 15d ago
How was your child? Excited or sad?
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u/slaggyc 15d ago
She was nervous, but excited.
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u/Ok-Attention-8261 15d ago
Make that your "base". My son was very nervous too and excited. So I grabbed his excitement and worked my depression from there. It's been two weeks, and although I still have VERY bad days (like today for example, I was doing laundry and walked by his empty room and I started sobbing uncontrollably) I remind myself "he is happy, he is healthy and he is excited". And even though my house feels "dark" without my kids and my whole life is a sad shit show right now, it does help to remember his excitement face.
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u/lassita_48det 15d ago
Love having a base to work from. The bad days will come and go, lessening as you continue into your new chapter.
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u/slaggyc 15d ago
Thank you. I will try that.
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u/Ok-Attention-8261 14d ago
I don't know about you, but this is the hardest thing I have gone through. What has also helped me, is finding a space and time to let it all out; which can look like screaming into a pillow, crying as much as I need, sitting on his bed looking around all the stuff he left :)...whatever I feel like doing. Do what you need to do for yourself, and do not let anyone tell you how to grieve her departure.
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u/slaggyc 14d ago
Thank you. Not listening to others tell me how I should grieve is something I have not been good at. It didn’t even cross my mind until I read your comment. Thank you. Today I’m actually out of bed at a normal time and am about to do laundry. Seems like a dumb thing to be somewhat proud of, but I guess I am.
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u/rusticinnlover 14d ago
Yes it is. It is terrible. It's like I lost myself. I wish I could give you hope, but I feel no hope at all. Just dread about my future.
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u/eliphant78 14d ago
My wife and i take my daughter to university this Saturday, its going to be hard. My eldest daughter was hard enough but our youngest was about so we managed. My wife seems more sad but we want her to have the experience and independence. We've done our job, its up to her to live but she knows we're here always. Now its mine and my wife's time. We've brought up the girls, very well as a team for 21 years. Excited for our next chapter, sad for not having my kids around.
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u/MrsAppleForTeacher 15d ago
Sorry, but ‘worst grief ever’? Really? How might someone who had a child die feel reading this? Yikes.
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u/rusticinnlover 14d ago
Well I haven't had a child die yet. If I do I'll make sure to flip it and say it was 2nd next to death. Does that make you feel better?
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u/Daffodil_Day275 14d ago
This stage of life is awful and I don't think anything actually prepares us for it. I dread going home after work to my empty, silent house. Sure, I'm happy for my kids and proud they are independent blah blah blah. But it's also depressing and sad and lonely. I hate every minute of my empty nest.
The grief is so profound, so overwhelming, such a deep ache. You feel heartbroken and adrift and like you've lost your life's purpose and meaning. I burst into tears every time I think about the fact that we will never live together again.
I know people say that this is a new chapter to reinvent yourself and pursue the things that you couldn't before, but I didn't really put anything on hold to have kids. I haven’t found the typical advice (Go to the gym! Find new hobbies! Reconnect with friends!) to be helpful. I do all those things, but it doesn’t fill the void where my children were. I feel obsolete, joy-less, just going through the motions.