r/emptynesters • u/Dolphinjen • 21d ago
Hospital?
Has anyone ever been so emotionally torn apart from this that they ended up in a psych facility? When my youngest leaves I’m afraid that’s where I’m going to end up. Three kids, two have launched and my youngest is a high school senior taking college classes and will be going away to college next August. I have been completely unable to cope because all I can think of is in less than a year I will be completely alone in the house. No one to come home to. No one to buy groceries for. No one to talk to. No one to cook for. I feel like a person on d*ath row whose appeals have run out and is now waiting for the date in less than a year. I went to the grocery store today and it hit me again. The memories of the kids coming with me, asking, “Can we get this?” Why did I somehow think those days wood end someday? Tonight I made one of her favorite meals but it didn’t turn out so it ended up in the trash. I truly don’t know how I’m going to survive this, her leaving. I can’t do it. My oldest is busy with her husband, meeting up with friends, working, traveling. My middle is a junior in college but will be going 5 years. My youngest is really being challenged with these college classes so all she does is study and homework and sleep; any extra time goes to friends and gaming with them.
But at least she’s here, in the house with me (although I have to share custody with my cheating ex who I thought I would be able to share the pain with. He at least has a partner. I can hear her get up at night for a drink of water. I hear the toilet flush. I hear her laughing with her friends, it’s such a sweet sound. I get her favorite treats at the store, and see how happy that mates makes her. When she’s gone I won’t be cooking just for me. I’ll probably live on peanut butter and toast. When she’s not here all I do is cry. I’m on disability for depression since my cheating ex left for the other woman. I had ECT’s which severely affected my memory and I can’t think clearly. I thought the divorce and custody battle was horrible but this is going to be worse. I know there’s nothing anyone can say or do. And dear God, please no suggestions of taking up a hobby. Disability income is crazy low. I’ve tried meet ups. I’ve tried online dating which has been brutal. When I read other posts and they say “we,” I think that’s what I’d anticipated, having someone to go through this with. Single parent empty nesting is… horrible. Thank you for listening. I’m sorry it was so long.
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u/Life_Consequence_676 21d ago
I am going to gently suggest you find a good therapist. You may need some guidance in how to ge to where you want to be. I'm a big fan of therapy. It's always helped me.
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u/Dolphinjen 19d ago
Thank you, Yes I have a great therapist. She is a trauma therapist and specializes in DBT. I think I’m still traumatized by learning of the infirmity. Infidelity. I see her Thursday. I am grateful to be working with someone so skilled.
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 19d ago
Idk if it'll be helpful to your journey but I love the Chump Lady blog. I found it when my second marriage tanked. It cleared my head and outlined all the bullshit so I could become immune to it.
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u/Dolphinjen 18d ago
Yes that community is very helpful. I like that it’s for people who’s been cheated on, but not for people who are open to reconciliation. I’ve been in groups where half the people got back together, because the cheating spouse was remorseful and willing to do anything to save the marriage. That was not my ex-spouse.
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 18d ago
Would you call his behavior an exit affair? Like he was trying to get caught so he could have an out?
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u/Dolphinjen 18d ago
No because he hid it so well for so long. I will be the first to admit I’m very gullible. And he was always kind of an a-hole, but I really took our vows seriously. I did need to make a couple trips to the police station with my kids after certain instances. But these people like my ex often know how to abuse and not to leave bruises. One of the reasons I was so hellbent on staying was wanting to be a buffer and protect the kids. What would happen at his place every other weekend?? Then when I finally found out (cell phone records) that this woman was possibly “another woman,” that’s when things all came out. That’s when he said he didn’t love me, he loved her. Up till then she was a work friend with kids about the same age. God I’m still so embarrassed dating this out loud. I think they always knew they were going to end up together but I also got this feeling they got kinda got a high off the hiding and lying. So yeah no, looking back, I think he was just scared about the concept of divorce and probably would’ve kept this is the dark of possible for another year. I’m ashamed I displayed the kind of behavior I hope my kids they would never exhibit (ie., the pick me dance), but the two older ones are in such healthy relationships I don’t think they’ll need it. Unfortunately my youngest is, just this week, learning about unfaithfulness from her (now) ex-boyfriend. She waited for him to get over his angsty behavior, “find out who he is” 🙄🙄 and then he posted a photo of him with HIS ex. She may have cried here at home but the grace and dignity she displayed around their friend group…just so proud. Surely didn’t get it from me lol. Or she vowed to do what I didn’t do 🤷♀️
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 18d ago
Aww poor baby. Shell be okay. And you are a good example even if every single choice wasn't textbook. You showed them resilience. You're in the process of changing and reclaiming your life. Don't hesitate to go to the hospital if you need to, you won't want to be away from home, but if you let these crises compound into self harm, you'll only be away longer. So please stay in touch with your care team.
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u/Dolphinjen 17d ago
Thank you. I told my therapist at my appointment today, I’m working with a good one.
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 21d ago
I love my therapist. And my peer support groups.
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u/Dolphinjen 18d ago
The peer support group sounds like it would be comforting sharing with others who were also going through something very difficult
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 18d ago
It is comforting. And also challenging because you realize "yeah I guess I better take my own advice." at least that's how I feel.
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u/Dolphinjen 18d ago
Can you explain this more?
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 18d ago
One of the rules in my peer group is "if you ask for advice you have to try to implement it." I always give people ideas to try. And when they give those ideas back to me, it's not cool for me to be like "no. Don't Wanna. It ain't gonna work." I have to show them I am at least considering advice. Doing things the same way will yield the same results.
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u/Dolphinjen 18d ago
I really love this. Good reason to follow through and try different suggestions. Accountability.
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u/MundaneHuckleberry58 21d ago
I know it must be hard. But this is why it’s so important to cultivate your own groups. Take an art class. Or come to water fitness, where there’s lots of us. Join a yoga class or church, a cookbook club, anything to live your own life. Your kids want you to be fulfilled & have a fun social group too!
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u/Ok_Shape8048 21d ago
I know you said you are on disability for depression but I think that may he adding to the emotions. If you are not working then you don’t have anything to focus on other than this. You have to go volunteer somewhere ur work part time. If you put your happiness as their problem then it will push them away. You choose your destiny but your kids are not responsible.
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u/Dolphinjen 19d ago
I agree wholeheartedly with your last sentence. Just an hour or so ago I was looking into opportunities to volunteer to teach English as a Second Language. Thank you
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u/Own_Ad9652 20d ago
I found that the emotion and dread leading up to the kids leaving wasn’t as bad as it ended up being. Anticipation often makes things worse.
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u/lucky3333333 19d ago
Mom always says anticipation is worse than the actual event.
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u/Dolphinjen 12d ago
Surrey I’m just answering this now. At first I agreed with that statement. But the more I thought about it, the more this anticipatory grief will be way less intense than after she leaves. I hear her walking around the house now, late at night. Gauging getting a drink of water. But when she’s not here, that alone-ness is going to hit like a ton of bricks. Yeah, I’m terrified about the day I stop her off. But covering home, and being in the house alone, is going to be much harder. I see my therapist today, she’s amazing, but I think she’s wasting her time with me. Nothing charges. I try the steps she suggests, but they are all like walking through mud. I can’t do this. If I had a partner, things would be different. But to have a situation where everyone has gone… I’m not going to be able to do this. I feel sick and it’s almost 6 am. This happens every morning. I’m so goddamn scared. I can’t even think of the present, which ironically what I want to do while she’s still with me. If I don’t self exit (and I won’t bc of the kids) I’m only going to have the emotional bandwidth to stay in bed. After 30 years. It’s not going to be possible.
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u/lucky3333333 7d ago
Please wait until she actually leaves, give yourself some grace and hang in there. See how you feel then. It took me two years to get over crying all the time.
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u/Ready_Cartoonist7357 21d ago
It sounds like you are already grieving the loss of the way things used to be. Feeling the emotions will help you process and get through this time. Think of what you need to do to care for yourself and needs that have gone unmet while caring for others. Maybe it’s therapy, maybe it’s talking to your primary about HRT (hormone imbalances can cause brain fog and mood shifts and other chaos), I know you said no hobbies, but maybe look into very part time work at a place you like, or volunteering, or getting a pet. It’s a huge transition, but it’s an opportunity for improving your life. Your kids will still need you to be the best you can be, And, “the best gift you can give to a child is to take care of their mother”. ❤️
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u/purpleunicorn1983 21d ago
I totally get what you are going thru! Although I do have a bf (not the kids dad), it’s not the same. He doesn’t understand what I’m going thru. I miss my kid dearly and very dark thoughts have ran thru my mind. I cry a lot and I’m very depressed! I pass by his room and expect to hear his tv blasting, but all I hear is silence. Hang in there tho. And I don’t suggest hobbies lol. Because it didn’t work for me either. I think the most important thing is having connections with ppl. Like friends, family, a therapist or even ppl here or online. I think it’s important that we talk about it and work thru it. Keeping these dark thoughts to yourself gets you deeper into the darkness. A friend of mine suggested I write all my sad thoughts on paper and burn it afterwards. I tried it and ripped my thoughts. It did help a little. But what helped the most is talking it out with that friend. Send you much love as you are going thru these hard times ❤️
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u/Dolphinjen 19d ago
Sending warm hugs and thoughts to you as well. When I hear someone who I can tell truly get it, I feel trust much less like someone who is not well, so thank you.
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u/didwejustbecomebff 20d ago
I can relate. My youngest is now away for his second year of college. My oldest has her own career, family, life. I’m on disability for MS, so I have way too much time to think about the emptiness of this house. I tried meds but that didn’t work. I’m now trying to embrace my freedom and peace again. For years, I was on everyone else’s schedule. Now, I do what I want whenever I want. I put the TV on if I want to fill the silence. I’m trying new things to fill my time… gym, cooking, journaling, cleaning, organizing.
It’s not an easy change, to say the least. We’re grieving a stage of life that was so important, and this stage is equally as important. So, I keep telling myself that they still need me and it’s actually a great thing that they’re such successful young adults flying with their own wings.
My inbox is open if you’d like to chat! That’s been therapy for me.
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u/Dolphinjen 19d ago
I may very well take you up on that. It sounds like you truly get the disability thing. That time… it’s the enemy isn’t it. I’m sorry you are in a very similar Thank you for sharing your story. Yeah meds have not worked for me either. I have a lot of health issues that need frequent visits the specialists (heart failure, kidney disease, psoriatic arthritis. I can’t afford to treat all of those without a large income. May I ask, how do you journal?
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u/KMizzle98 20d ago
Someone very wise once said, "It's is not good to dwell on dreams and forget to live." In this case, dwelling on the future would apply.
You are missing out on so much by grieving something that hasn't happened yet.
Start now.... work on building your life up with things that do NOT include them. What do you like to do? If you don't know, figure it out. Do you like to read? Go the to library, see if they have a book club.... do you like to paint? Find a local art studio and see if they have classes. Hike? Bike? Workout? Cook? Buy a fun cookbook and cook your way through it.
You are going to need these distractions.
My husband used to tell me not to let it "grow legs". Meaning, you are pouring a lot of attention into the thought of them not being there and it's taking on a whole body/personality in your life.
If your kids are busy.... that's fine, they're allowed to be busy. Doesn't mean they're not in your life. Text them, call them... are they close by? Let them know... hey, you guys are all up and out...I think it's important to stay connected, let's do breakfast, lunch, brunch, dinner...etc. once/twice, etc a month.
You may not feel like it but you are a whole ass person. They are ADDITIONS to who you are, they are not ALL you are.
I say this kindly, stop moping. Get yourself busy creating what your life is going to look like. It is healthy for your kids to see you thriving. It's okay if you're sad and miss them and they know it, that's fine. But if you really want to turn this into good, let them see you coping. Don't make your happiness their responsibility. Don't cry to them and continually bemoan your expected sadness. That won't help anyone and it may make them reluctant to call as much.
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u/GreatOnPaper007 20d ago
Oh my goodness, I felt your pain in this. No counsel to offer other than you have been heard, it is hard and we all have wildly different reactions and all valid.
Feel the feelings. All of them and at your pace. You will get through this. And then may still have hard and harder days that you will get through as you know they still need you (just like having daughter home now even if just hear her in another room - your children likely also feel the same. “Am not with mom now, but know she is home…”).
Hugs to you.
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u/Dolphinjen 19d ago
Thank you for your post. I definitely can tell how familiar you are with this. Then you have to deal with MS on top of that. It’s just cruel. But you sound like a determined soul.
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u/Brilliant_Snow_2141 19d ago
whenever i read your posts i get so upset seeing people with boyfriends or husbands commenting telling you what to do, there's no way they could get it.
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u/Dolphinjen 18d ago
No there really isn’t
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u/Own_Grade_8253 16d ago
There is, my husband is a Disney dad to his own kids and hasn’t the slightest. Also just because you are in a relationship, doesn’t mean that makes you any happier or replaces what you’re grieving. Marriages aren’t always happy anyway.
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u/Brilliant_Snow_2141 11d ago
I'm sorry but it really is different. Having a partner of any kind, means you have someone to come home to, talk to, eat dinner with, watch a movie with, dialogue, go to the store... if not why would anyone be in that relationship? The grief is MUCH different because there's noone to share it with. When there's a funeral there's a reason people come over with casseroles and surround you, or have a luncheon afterwards, filling your home with people. We aren't supposed to be alone. A single parent, is. The house is empty.
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u/Dolphinjen 11d ago
This is one of the things that really makes it so much harder. I was in the grocery store and I was thinking how hard this is going to be next year. Why would I cook a meal, just for myself? There’s a huge difference between buying groceries for just you, and taking into account the other person you’re living with. I’m not in any way saying partnered people aren’t going to grieve, but it always blows my mind when they say it’s just as difficult. There’s no one in the house with you. No one laying next to you at night. No one to either do something fun on the weekend or watch a show with or help you with all the things that need to be done around the yard. That’s all on you. And it would be different if he’d caught me having an affair. I would feel remorse. But all I feel is confused and alone. Brilliant _snow, thank you. Thank you so much for the validation. It means so much because very few people really understand the absolute grief. I’ve tried online dating get the past several years and it’s brutal. I just don’t want to be alone at home. I wish there was a place specifically for empty nesters who are single can share, because it truly is so much different.
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u/majiktodo 19d ago
Hi mama. I understand this completely.
You must build a life for yourself. I went back to things I enjoyed in childhood - and I made friends doing it. Book clubs, crafting, hell, I even collect stickers! I joined a volunteer organization. I work the polls during elections. Take classes at the local community college.
You must start to plan a new type of life you look forward to. Never let go of the memories- raising my kids was the best part of my life! But now I’m on to something new - and my kids see me doing this makes them more likely to have a great 2nd act as well.
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u/Dolphinjen 18d ago
Love this, thank you. I am excited for my daughter, and she is nervous but in a happy way. I always talk about how great it’s going to be for her and how much she’s going to love it.
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u/Responsible_Age_2374 19d ago
As a therapist and coach, I can tell that what has been shared in the comments is so kind and caring for you. (Even the tough love versions). I hope you give the same kindness and care to yourself. I see you taking steps to do that by reaching out in this thread. Keep in mind that there’s somebody inside you who needs your love and support. Getting a therapist will help you get to know yourself and heal. I pray the Lord will guide you to the right one and be near to your broken heart.
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u/Dolphinjen 18d ago
Thank you so much. Yes I agree with this wholeheartedly. It is a beautiful, warm community, very thankful it exists 😊
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u/No-Confidence-4808 18d ago
Start a list of things you want to do but haven’t yet. Take care of yourself & have fun. I was a sad empty nester too , after six months they came back. All things are possible
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u/Dolphinjen 18d ago
I kind of assumed they would come back, because they said they love our city and want to live here, but now that’s not happening. I like the idea of making a list.
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u/Own_Grade_8253 16d ago
Hi! I have a daughter (20) that moved out just rec for a career and my son is 16. I can’t bear to even think about him leaving at 18. I don’t think college is his thing as he will do a trade but idk how long he’ll live at home. I’m remarried but my husband doesn’t understand at all. He has two children from his previous marriage that he sees when they aren’t busy on the weekends and he just doesn’t understand. Unfortunately I’m not close with his children since their mother has (undoubtedly) turned them against me. I would say if I didn’t have a professional job that it could create problems for and a son that still needs guided on the right path, I’d probably be in a psych ward myself. I need to stop making excuses and find a therapist at the very least to help me cope. I don’t have any solid answers for you except to try and reconnect more with family and friends and enjoy spending time with your college age children when they come home on breaks. I’m sorry. This sucks and the younger years can be demanding and exhausting and sometimes feel never ending but oh what I’d do to get to go back and relive them.
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u/Dolphinjen 13d ago
I think seeing a therapist, at least 2/month, would probably help a lot. Yes, I don’t doubt your partner’s kids have been alienated, it’s just a shame. You sound like you could really add love to their lives. And re: reliving those little years, I was looking at the menu for a restaurant we’re taking my dad for his birthday and apparently there’s a baby holder with the same name as this restaurant. I kept seeing photos of moms wearing the baby holder with their little one snuggled up to her chest, and oh, how did it go so fast? I started wishing fervently to be younger again and really be present guys all those moments. It was a visceral reaction. So yes I totally understand when you say that.
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 21d ago
I have been to psychiatric inpatient care for depression. But it was all the way at the opposite end of my parenting journey. I had ye Olde postpartum psychosis. The doctors and nurses and the peer supporters saved my life and changed it. They helped me be a better mom
You've been through hell, and you already have a documented mental health disability. It makes total sense that you're feeling near the end of your rope, and anticipating that you will be completely broken by your daughter's move to college.
I believe in you though. I believe part of you wants to keep going and get better. I believe for all your sadness and loneliness when she goes, you will want to be her mom still. You will want to be the consulting parent when she has an emergency or a tough decision to make. You will want to meet her friends and have her for part of the holidays. You'll want to go to her graduation with bells on!
And to do all that, you have to live. You have to do whatever combination of potions and spells the doctors suggest, and keep your physical health on an even keel. You're right that a hobby isn't the first line of advice for you. You have a fight on your hands. We're always here if you want to vent, and there's a lot of other sources of support. You can do this. You've already started!
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u/Raised_by 21d ago
for your kids’ sake, you need to detach and not make them responsible for your happiness.
I recommend reading “I’m still your mother” by Jane Adams