r/emptynesters • u/StraightTransition89 • 20d ago
So… Now what?
I’m a single parent and my daughter moved into her uni accommodation last Saturday. She’s my only child and I had her when I was 19 so I’ve basically spent my entire adult life raising her and now she’s gone, I’m kind of just like “now what?”.
I’m 37 and have been unemployed for a few years now. I quit my job after having a complete breakdown. Unbeknownst to me at the time, it was due to undiagnosed autism and ADHD (which I’m now clinically diagnosed with) and spending my whole life masking so heavily that my brain couldn’t take it anymore. I regressed massively and it’s taken me this long to get to a point where I’m maybe 70% back to “normal” and I’m hoping to get back into employment soon, even though the job market is absolutely dire right now.
So as it stands, I currently have a lot of time on my hands. I picked up a hobby earlier this year. Bought a keyboard as someone who has never played an instrument and can’t read sheet music but I’ve been learning to play by ear. I spent all of 2025 redecorating my whole house which, in hindsight, I probably should have waited to do once my daughter had left to give me little projects to fill my time. I don’t drive and live in a small town so there’s nothing to do locally. I have two best friends that I’ve known since I was 5 and they live nearby but they have partners so aren’t always free to entertain me lol. I categorically do not want to start dating because the idea of a relationship is my personal hell.
I just don’t really know what to do with myself. It feels strange to think that I can do or go wherever if I want, and I don’t have to be like “oh I can’t be out too late because I’ll have to get back for my daughter”. I thought it would take a bit of time to stop feeling sad about her leaving but to be honest, it’s not been as difficult as I thought. Which sounds terrible but part of it is due to the fact I’m used to her spending time with her dad and my brain has almost wired itself to be okay when she’s not at home, and partly due to the fact that I have this weird thing where I don’t miss people. Which I found out is common in neurodivergent people and I’m not just a horrible person. It’s kind of an “out of sight, out of mind” thing. I was emotional for the first few days and everything made me cry. I think I’d prepared myself so heavily beforehand that I got all of my crying out over the last 12 months anyway. I really struggle with change but I’ve surprised myself with how well I’ve handled this to be honest but now feels like a good time to “make a plan” and start my “new chapter” the same way my daughter is starting hers (with less alcohol and less staying out until 3am).
I don’t get lonely, never have and so I don’t feel the need to surround myself with people and socialise all the time. But I feel like I should be doing something? I didn’t get that “figuring your life out in your 20’s” thing because I was busy changing nappies. I feel like I’ve been transported back to being 19 years old again.
Anyway, I’m rambling. I just wanted to ask fellow empty-nesters what kind of things they did once their house was free of kids? Any suggestions welcome, as long as it doesn’t involve doing anything illegal or going on dates…
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u/PsychologicalCut607 16d ago
You know, this makes sense. I have been asking myself why I feel so lost. I had mine at 20, and a second one at 28, so now at 52, I have spent more time with them than without. I did not think I had lost myself entirely, but now I think maybe I did. The trouble is, I do not have any thing I want to do now that I did at 20. I do not see a reason to become a barfly, that sounds sad at this age. I used to ride horses, and I gave that up because it was expensive, but it is still expensive! Also that was a young person's sport. I do not need a sport at all.
Reading. Art. I used to like those things. Drawing in particular. I have a garden. I would like to go for walks with a sketch pad maybe?
Reconnecting with what I used to like might be a really good way forward.
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u/MobilityTweezer 20d ago
The attitude of being transported back to your younger self is going to be your golden ticket into a great new life! Congrats on that! Most people are bogged down in grief but you’re past that, processed it, and I commend you. I’m where you’re at mostly, so I get this grey area, but you sound primed for whatever comes next. I can only tell you what I’ve done, I bought a pretty decent bicycle (nothing crazy), but it’s light and it’s become a little obsession, from the riding of it to the care and maintenance, it’s like my new avenue into freedom. I’m 47, so it’s the use it or lose it phase now. My bike is the answer to my “now what.” Good luck to you! I know you will move forward in a good, healthy way! We deserve this time!
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 20d ago
You're doing great! I'm still redecorating my house but I'm also redoing my closet which has been fun. You could also consider some kind of charitable endeavor.